VALHALLA — Mighty viking warriors looked down from their eternal resting place with embarrassment as their progeny floundered with basic issues like immigration, national security, and being total pansies.

Viking Ancestors Looking Down From Valhalla Really Embarrassed By Their Descendents,
March 03, 2025 at 01:45PM from Babylon Bee, at Babylon Bee

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U.S.A — The FDA released updated health advice this week, including guidance regarding what kind of potato chips are the healthiest; they advise always choosing the bag with the photo of the farm or a little kid picking veggies in a field in the matte-colored bag over choosing the shiny bag with no campy imagery on it.

Health Tip: Instead Of A Glossy Bag Of Potato Chips, Go For The Matte Bag With A Picture Of A Farmhouse,
March 03, 2025 at 12:52PM from Babylon Bee, at Babylon Bee

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WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump announced this week he will be instituting a mandatory military draft for any American who puts a little yellow and blue Ukrainian flag in their Facebook bio.

Trump Institutes Military Draft For Everyone With Ukraine Flag In Their Facebook Profile,
March 03, 2025 at 11:27AM from Babylon Bee, at Babylon Bee

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HOLLYWOOD, CA — For the tenth year in a row, a movie you've never heard of won the award for Best Picture at the Academy Awards.

Movie You've Never Heard Of Wins Best Picture,
March 03, 2025 at 10:24AM from Babylon Bee, at Babylon Bee

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another embarrassing scolding from U.S. leadership to Ukraine, President Donald Trump ordered President Volodymyr Zelenskyy to be sent to bed without his supper to think about what he's done.

Trump Orders Zelenskyy Be Sent To Bed Without His Supper To Think About What He’s Done,
March 04, 2025 at 10:43AM from Babylon Bee, at Babylon Bee

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U.S. — Alternative rock band Weezer has been dubbed the "Most Just OK" band of all time following a vote by fans who describe the band's music as "just OK."

Weezer Voted ‘Most Just OK’ Band Of All Time,
March 03, 2025 at 04:03PM from Babylon Bee, at Babylon Bee

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Trump announced his intention to pardon the late Pete Rose, a ball player who was disqualified from the Baseball Hall of Fame for betting on the game. But this is only the beginning.

Trump Wants To Pardon Pete Rose: Here Are 10 Other Sports Pardons Trump Is Considering,
March 03, 2025 at 03:59PM from Babylon Bee, at Babylon Bee

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HELL — Infernal sources have just confirmed that Satan has decided to join the communion of the Episcopal Church.

Satan Joins Episcopal Church,
March 03, 2025 at 03:42PM from Babylon Bee, at Babylon Bee

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LONDON — The European members of NATO have rushed to the defense of Ukraine following criticism by the Trump administration, promising to support its ongoing war with Russia. As a show of support, Europe has pledged its collective military might of three panzer tanks and one of those Nazi motorcycles with a sidecar.

Europe Pledges To Send Ukraine Their Entire Military Might Of 3 Panzer Tanks And A Nazi Motorcycle With A Sidecar,
March 03, 2025 at 02:25PM from Babylon Bee, at Babylon Bee

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VALHALLA — Mighty viking warriors looked down from their eternal resting place with embarrassment as their progeny floundered with basic issues like immigration, national security, and being total pansies.

Viking Ancestors Looking Down From Valhalla Really Embarrassed By Their Descendents,
March 03, 2025 at 01:45PM from Babylon Bee, at Babylon Bee

Click on the headline to read the full article at Babylon Bee