The Partisan

Hobson Explains Frequent Absences

1/31/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

I’m Batman,’ says Senate President Pro Tempore

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) - Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson apologized to the Democratic caucus this week, saying that his frequent absences were due to his moonlighting as a caped crusader. “I don’t know how else to say this,” said Hobson, D-Lexington. “I’m Batman.”

Democratic senators have been critical of Hobson’s performance this year, and some have asked the lawmaker to step aside. However, up until a recent caucus meeting, the Legislature was unaware of the Pro Tem’s secret identity.

Democratic caucus chair Sen. Kenneth Corn, D-Howe, said the group would need time to process this new information. “With great power comes great responsibility,” said Corn. “We understand that (Hobson) knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men. However, the failure of Governor Henry’s tort reform proposal to win a hearing has led us to believe we need a leader with more time to dedicate to the legislative process.”

Following the caucus meeting, Hobson said he would abide by the decision of his colleagues, before dropping a smoke bomb on the group and exiting the Capitol via grappling hook.

Legislator Confirmed To Be Marilyn Manson

1/30/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republicans were shocked to learn that one of their own, Rep. Tad Jones, R-Claremore, had previously fronted 90’s shock-rock band Marilyn Manson. In his rock-and-roll heyday, Manson was renown for his satanic imagery and explicit lyrics.

The star fell from prominence in the late 90s, the victim of post-Columbine fallout and overshadowed by the rise of such provocative acts as Eminem and Creed.

Changing his name to Tad Jones, “the most boyish, innocent-sounding name I could think of,” Manson was elected to the District 9 seat in 1998. As a performer, Manson was renown for his on-stage antics, including stunts featuring goats’ blood, blow-up dolls and strap-on dildos.

As the House minority whip, Jones has authored legislation regarding school district elections and the use of golf carts on city streets. He says his day as the quasi-satanic musician are behind him, though he may still cover himself in blood during House debate.

The 'Smaligo vs Toure' Cage Match

1/29/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Fight'n words can get very caustic and provoking. Such is the nature of interactions with some coffee-binging radicals at the capitol.

Our crack reporting team is working feverishly to get the scoop on these stories…

– Smaligo, Toure to settle differences in steel cage match
– Liberal activist judges rule ‘Right to Party’ inalienable

Local Student Honestly Thinks Hes First To Make Peacepipe/Marijuana Connection

1/28/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

The Native American calumet adorns the state flag, a
symbol of goodwill and peace. A similar pipe designed
for smoking marijuana. For generations, Oklahoma high-
school students have snickered about the possible connection
between “peace,” “goodwill” and being totally stoned, dude.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) –

According to classmates, an Oklahoma City 9th-grader honestly believes he is the first person to notice that a state symbol could be connected with the use of recreational drugs.

Witnesses say that Karl Andrews, 15, first made the observation during his Oklahoma history class.

“Dude, I bet they totally smoked pot in that,”

said Andrews. The peace pipe, or calumet, is a traditional Native American sign. Along with the olive branch, it is a key component of the state flag.

For years, Oklahoma teenagers have made the connection between “peace” and the euphoria resulting from the use of marijuana. In every case, students believe they are the first person in the history of the state to notice this. However, local historians suspect that the connection has been made hundreds of times since statehood.

“Okay yeah, I guess you could smoke pot out of it,”

said frustrated high school history teacher Burke Warner. “We said the same thing when I was a kid, and it was funny for about ten minutes. Can we move on please?” Education officials estimate that 30 minutes of class time is lost per year due to students’ snickering over the possible connection between state history and marijuana.

Lawmaker Bursts Into Flames Following Exposure To Logic

1/27/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

By Henry Johnston, Partisan Staff Reporter

A Tulsa legislator burst into flames last week during debate on legislation that would nullify job protection for homosexuals. Roger Williams, a spokesman for the state fire marshal, said Rep. Daniel Sullivan, R-Tulsa, ignited following an accidental exposure to logic.

“It appears that Sullivan’s temperature rose rapidly during debate of HB 1756. We suspect that the heat may be have been released due to a sudden collapse in the integrity of the lawmaker’s reasoning,”

Williams said. At the time of the ignition, Williams had just explained that the bill “was not discrimination, from my point of view.” He said that the bill actually supported equal rights, by denying “special rights” for homosexuals.

At this point, authorities suspect the argument collapsed from within. The invocation of “special rights” jargon collided head-on with the numerous rights that are “special” to heterosexuals, most notably the right to marry in a civil ceremony.
“For the lawmaker to argue in favor of equality, he would have had to support gay marriage. Unfortunately, empirical evidence suggests that Sullivan does not support any recognition of homosexual unions, and therefore believes in ‘special rights’ for heterosexuals,” said Williams. “This damaged the credibility of the source, making it especially easy for logic to enter the argument.”

Normally, Williams said, such bills are encased in a layer of homophobia, which protects them from exposure to common sense. Williams said that, in his haste to pander, Sullivan had forgotten to stress how homosexuals were the single greatest threat to Oklahomans’ way of life. “Had Sullivan couched his arguments in more hysterical, reactionary terms, it would have been impossible for logic to enter the room,” said Williams. “Unfortunately, outside observers were able to see that HB 1746 didn’t create any jobs, lower any taxes, or in any way raise anyone’s quality of life.”

In addition, Williams said Sullivan’s arguments were weakened by their inability to be reconciled with Republican political theory. This left his reasoning especially flammable.

“The Republican platform favors smaller centralized government and more local control. By denying county and municipal governments the ability to determine their own policies, (Sullivan) was in complete contradiction with the foundation of his party.”

Had the lawmaker put forth a position consistent with this platform, he might have been able to survive an analytical assault, Williams explained. Some have theorized that Sullivan’s reasoning was so self-contradictory that the inherent paradoxes actually ripped a hole in the fabric of space. “Traditionally, it was the Oklahoma Democrats that favored these types of policies,” said Jim Wiley, associate professor of history and quantum physics at the University of Oklahoma.

“Seeing an Oklahoma Republican propose the bill might have been more than the time-space continuum could bear.” In any case, authorities are urging caution as the bill advances to the Senate. Williams and Wiley both suggested that lawmakers place the bill aside until it can be supported with something more than paranoid ranting.

EXCLUSIVE!! PARTISAN UNCOVERS HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA

1/26/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

The House Sergeant-at-Arms found this note crumpled up in the House Gallery, after a ‘Queer Nation’ group attended the House floor session on Valentine’s Day.

It proved to be the ‘smoking gun’ that Sally Kern suspected all along.

Other stories in our tipline:

– Seeking to lower drug costs, state stoners asking to re-import pot from Canada

– Commissioners say new e-bribe system will speed up county operations

Sonic Exectives Say legalizing Marijuana Would Boost Sales

1/25/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – An Oklahoma City-based restaurant chain is asking the state legislature to legalize marijuana, noting that habitual users of the drug find the company’s products “hella-tasty.” Sonic, which bills itself as “America’s Drive-In,” serves up hamburgers and hotdogs in hundreds of locations around the country.

Executives say the company’s products are especially popular among those with “the munchies,” a side effect of marijuana intoxication. In a presentation before the House Business and Economic Development Committee, Sonic executives said statewide legalization of the drug would boost sales throughout the industry, from McNuggets to Taco Mayo’s “bitchin’” potato locos.

In a recent study, Sonic customers who did not use marijuana rated their food from “fair” to “excellent.” However, users with the munchies said the same products were “friggin’ awesome dude.” Habitual marijuana users, also known as “stoners,” are also less concerned with customer service. They also have little use for napkins, straws and correct change.

According to Sonic estimates, stoners currently comprise only 10 percent of the company’s customers, yet account for 40 percent of sales. They also form 70 percent of the company’s workforce, primarily line cooks and night managers. Last year, Sonic was believed to donate millions in campaign contributions. An exact amount was unavailable, however, since much of the special interest money was covered in chili and cheese.

Tort Reform To Be Decided By Wizzing Contest

1/24/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – In a rare display of bipartisan cooperation, House Majority Leader Larry Adair, D-Stilwell and House Minority Floor Leader Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, announced that Oklahoma lawsuit reforms would be settled through a legislative pissing contest. Tort reform has been a hot-button issue since a Wall Street Journal editorial accused Oklahoma of offering “jackpot justice.”

The debate has deeply divided the legislature, with Republicans claiming reform is necessary to promote economic development and Democrats saying the legislation would curb the rights of the injured. “Oklahoma wants lawsuit reform, but the Democrats are blocking the process to protect their trial lawyer cohorts,” Hiett said. “We’ve offered plan after plan, only to see our proposals gutted in conference committees.” “We just hope this will shut them up,” Adair said.

The pissing contest is a legislative procedure outlined in Article 28, Section 10 of the state constitution, in between the part that defines the ignition point of kerosene and the provisions that cover how many hours a child can work underground. It states, in part, that, “in the case of a breakdown in the political process, issues may be decided by a urinary confrontation.”

The next 40 pages of the state constitution govern the rules of the contest, including regulations for distance, duration, and “the crossing of streams.” The contest is scheduled to take place next week between Adair and Hiett. Oklahoma Supreme Court Chief Justice Hardy Summers will serve as the official judge. In preparation for the showdown, Adair and Hiett say they have raised their fluid intake from 12 to 24 beers per day

Bill Makes Democratic Party Oklahomas Official Dinosaur

1/23/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Rep. Jeff Rabon D-Hugo, with Sen. Gene Stipe D-McAlester

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) –

Last week, the Senate voted to make the Democratic Party, politicus obsoletum, Oklahoma’s official dinosaur. Senate Concurrent Resolution 3, by Sen. Jeff Rabon, D-Hugo, is designed to give the beast its proper place in state history.

“Like the dinosaurs, the Oklahoma Democratic Party ruled for generations, yet ultimately became extinct when it failed to evolve,”

said Rabon. “It was also notable for having a huge, lumbering body and a brain the size of a walnut.”

The resolution passed unanimously, but not before Republicans added a small amendment on the Senate floor, correcting a scrivener’s error which had implied Earth was more than 6,000 years old. Sen. Jeff Rabon D-Hugo B

Teachers Union Reports Little Success From Kick Your Lawmaker in the Crotch Day

1/22/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Rep. Mark Liotta, R-Tulsa, collects a crotchful of foot
from a state teacher outside the Capitol.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) –

Officials for the Oklahoma Education Association are concerned that “Kick Your Lawmaker in the Crotch” Day is not producing the results they desire. At the annual event, teachers from across the state rally at the Capitol.

They then proceed to assault lawmakers, striking them between the legs and below the waistline as a way of drawing attention to educational issues facing the state.

“In the past, a swift kick to the groin has been good way to get someone’s attention,”

said Daisy Perosco, an official for the organization. “Once (lawmakers) are rolling and screaming on the ground, we can make our case for the importance of hiking teacher benefits.” However, some are concerned that the event has yielded diminishing returns.

Rep. Tad Jones, R-Claremore, is the chair of the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Education. He has generally avoided teachers following a “meeting” that left him walking funny for a week. Perosco said the organization is looking into more effective lobbying efforts, and plans to sponsor “Go Medieval on Their Ass” day next year.

The Oklahoma Partisan

In 2004 & 2005, an anonymous group of journalist/artists compiled a library of what then was contemporary humor surrounding Oklahoma state government. Sadly the venture only lasted a couple years. But the Oklahoma Partisan was a gem of political comedy.
Today most of these characters of focus are no longer in the public arena. But the levity provided at their expense served to help the closely divided legislature to laugh at their colleagues. The truly humble among them even laughed when the joke was on them.

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