GREELEY, CO—According to sources from within Lucerne Baptist Church, the entire congregation saw Pastor Jim’s C.S. Lewis quote coming from a mile away during his sermon Sunday morning. “Here it comes,” one woman in the back row whispered to her husband, according to witnesses. “Any second now, he’s gonna quote the thing about making mud pies […]

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February 28, 2017 at 03:17PM from The Babylon Bee via The Babylon Bee http://ift.tt/2mBRPuu

US—A recent LifeWay Research Center study found an “undeniable” connection between the strength of a church’s foyer coffee and the soundness of its theology, a report by the organization revealed Tuesday. “Those churches that had coffee rated as ‘weak’ or ‘very weak’ suffered from much more watered-down, biblically feeble sermons than those that had bold […]

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February 28, 2017 at 01:59PM from The Babylon Bee via The Babylon Bee http://ift.tt/2ma7DXN

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Stating he was shocked at the Lord’s “ignorant” approach to attractional church growth, self-described church growth expert Mark A. Sloniker was reportedly cringing the entire time he read through several of Christ’s popular sermons in the gospels Tuesday. “‘The flesh counts for nothing?’ ‘No one can come to me unless the Father has enabled […]

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February 28, 2017 at 11:11AM from The Babylon Bee via The Babylon Bee http://ift.tt/2lvhW5i

RUNNING PINES, CO—Leaders at First Baptist Church announced Monday the church has completed work on its maximum security nursery, which is designed to contain even the most unruly toddlers and babies. The uptick in security came after the Benson children tried to escape last fall, prompting church leaders to begin construction on what is being […]

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February 27, 2017 at 03:36PM from The Babylon Bee via The Babylon Bee http://ift.tt/2lhEntF

LOS ANGELES, CA—Inspired by a recent sermon in which his pastor had challenged the congregation to “dare to be a Daniel,” local man Philip Bracey jumped into the lion exhibit at the Los Angeles Zoo and was immediately mauled by the ferocious beasts, sources confirmed Monday. “I dare to be a Daniel!” the man cried […]

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February 27, 2017 at 01:24PM from The Babylon Bee via The Babylon Bee http://ift.tt/2lhv9xr

WILLISTON, ND—Friendship Church Williston hit a remarkable milestone Sunday, singing Matt Redman’s contemporary Christian hit “10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)” for the 10,000th time, church sources confirmed. “It took singing it an average of just over 38 times each Sunday since the song’s 2012 release to accomplish this wonderful feat,” worship leader Zack Edwards told reporters. […]

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February 27, 2017 at 10:56AM from The Babylon Bee via The Babylon Bee http://ift.tt/2lOzD0J

Everybody’s talking about it. Here’s what you need to know. 1.) President Trump on Wednesday rescinded an Obama administration order to all public schools which stated that, in order to comply with federal law, all school policies must be based on “gender identity” and not biological sex. 2.) The overturned Obama order directed schools to […]

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February 25, 2017 at 11:46AM from The Babylon Bee via The Babylon Bee http://ift.tt/2lVlDEK

HOLLYWOOD, CA—At the upcoming 89th Academy Awards ceremony Sunday night, the Oscar award for “Most Tolerable Christian Movie” will be handed out for the first time, sources confirmed. Academy members reportedly sat through hours of grueling Christian films in an effort to select the one that was the least offensive in terms of quality, production […]

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February 25, 2017 at 09:46AM from The Babylon Bee via The Babylon Bee http://ift.tt/2lGPVIZ

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—After 85 years in business, Family Christian Stores is closing all 240 stores nationwide, citing a lack of roundtrips to heaven in recent years. “Those were the moneymakers, there’s no doubt about it,” spokesman Cliff Sickelman told reporters, referring to bestsellers like Heaven Is for Real (2014). “Our readers just loved learning about […]

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February 24, 2017 at 02:40PM from The Babylon Bee via The Babylon Bee http://ift.tt/2lOcwp4

SEATTLE, WA—A tragic accident saw local woman Bridget Boudreau rushed to the hospital after he was hit “right in the feels” while watching an episode of hit NBC drama This Is Us, sources confirmed Friday. The woman reportedly began watching the show and within moments was struck with a powerful, sharp blow directly to her feels, […]

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February 24, 2017 at 01:53PM from The Babylon Bee via The Babylon Bee http://ift.tt/2liALbH