July 31, 2017 at 02:01PM from The Babylon Bee
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—As staffers and cabinet members fled the White House while spontaneous fires broke out all over the crumbling building Monday, President Donald Trump reportedly reclined at the Oval Office desk and took to Twitter to confirm that “everything is fine.” “This is fine. Everything is fine here. MSM pretending my administration is imploding. Wrong!” […]

. . . finish reading “Everything Is Fine,” Reports Trump From Flaming Ruins Of White House.

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July 31, 2017 at 12:13PM from The Babylon Bee
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NOVI, MI—In a candid interview, church sound guy William Brooks admitted to local news reporters Sunday that he has absolutely no idea what any of the little knobs, dials, buttons, or switches on the church’s soundboard actually do. “Not a clue,” the man said, stating that he just pretends to know what he is doing […]

. . . finish reading Church Sound Guy Admits He Has No Idea What Any Of These Little Dials Do.

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July 31, 2017 at 09:49AM from The Babylon Bee
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DURHAM, NC—After enduring a sincere, thoughtful, and completely heretical response to an open question about the passage the group was studying, the man leading a home Bible study affiliated with Gracewinds Church reportedly asked if anyone else had any blatant heresy they’d like to share. “That’s a really interesting, thoughtful take on this passage, Heather. […]

. . . finish reading Home Bible Study Leader Asks If Anyone Else Has Any Blatant Heresy They’d Like To Share.

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July 28, 2017 at 03:35PM from The Babylon Bee
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CHORA, PATMOS—In a groundbreaking discovery sure to change the future of eschatological studies, scholars revealed Monday that the autograph of the book of Revelation originally included a detailed end times and rapture chart to help readers make sense of the apocalyptic literature. Archaeologists working on the island of Patmos recently uncovered the original autograph of […]

. . . finish reading Revelation Originally Included Detailed End Times Chart, Scholars Confirm.

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July 28, 2017 at 11:40AM from The Babylon Bee
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PAMPA, TX—Visibly frustrated local man Peter Elliott lamented about the Trump administration to his wife Friday, comparing the drama unfolding daily in the nation’s capital to “some kind of crazy reality show,” sources reported. “Seriously, it’s like Survivor or Hell’s Kitchen in our government these days. How did this happen? What’s going on in there?” […]

. . . finish reading ‘The White House Is Like A Reality Show!’ Laments Man Who Voted For Reality Star For President.

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July 28, 2017 at 10:04AM from The Babylon Bee
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CHARLOTTE, NC—In a stunning move that is making waves throughout evangelicalism, Pastor Steven Furtick has announced he has come to an agreement with Lakewood Church to preach alongside Joel Osteen, forming the core of a “superstar preaching team.” The contract is worth $110 million over the next six years, Lakewood confirmed, making it the largest […]

. . . finish reading Steven Furtick Signs 6-Year, $110 Million Contract With Lakewood Church.

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July 28, 2017 at 08:33AM from The Babylon Bee
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Rising from slumber Friday morning, Attorney General Jeff Sessions noticed blood drenching his bed sheets, and peeled back his bed covers to reveal a freshly severed horse head resting near his feet, inside sources confirmed. “Scaramucci did this!” Sessions reportedly called out in between screams after discovering the ghastly sight. “The Mooch wants me […]

. . . finish reading Jeff Sessions Wakes Up Next To Severed Horse Head.

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July 27, 2017 at 12:12PM from The Babylon Bee
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RALEIGH, NC—According to sources, a local motivational speaker is still confusedly referring to himself as a “pastor,” despite refusing to proclaim the gospel as elders and evangelists in the New Testament are called to do. The sharply dressed, well-groomed man gets up in front of thousands of people each Sunday morning and merely encourages them […]

. . . finish reading Man Who Gives Motivational Speech Each Sunday Still Referring To Self As Pastor.

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July 27, 2017 at 10:45AM from The Babylon Bee
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COLLEGE STATION, TX—Students and faculty at Texas A&M University have been working for years to create a better hedge of protection for Christians to pray over each other. Now it seems their hard work is finally paying off. According to Dr. Hal Barton, leader of the research team, “There are three main criteria the ideal […]

. . . finish reading Genetic Engineers Develop Highly Effective New Species of Protection Hedge.

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July 27, 2017 at 08:52AM from The Babylon Bee
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—An emotional President Trump unveiled a new memorial in the nation’s capital Thursday, commemorating the efforts of those who have fought in the Great Meme War which has raged since the beginning of his campaign. The memorial features a stone imprint of Pepe the Frog, with dozens of commemorative plaques displaying the heroic efforts […]

. . . finish reading President Trump Unveils Meme War Memorial.

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