SAN FERNANDO, CA—A lifeguard at the San Fernando Community Pool reportedly refused to jump in and save a drowning child who was fighting for his life in 6 feet of water because it would constitute risking his life. The lifeguard in question, Peter Stroll, claimed to be following standard lifeguarding procedure.

The post For His Safety, Lifeguard Waits An Hour For Backup Before Jumping In To Save Struggling Swimmer appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A senile old man in Washington who has a deadly nuclear arsenal at his fingertips is calling for dangerous weapons to be taken out of the hands of the mentally unstable.

The post ‘Guns Should Not Be In The Hands Of The Mentally Unstable,’ Says Senile Man With Nukes appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA—From his coastal estate that will probably be underwater in ten years, former President Barack Obama issued a statement today encouraging Americans to honor Memorial Day by remembering the sacrifice of George Floyd.

The post Obama Encourages Americans To Pause This Memorial Day To Remember The Sacrifice Of George Floyd appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Are You A Racist? Take The Quiz!,
May 27, 2022 at 12:22PM from The Babylon Bee, at The Babylon Bee

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OXFORD, MS—Physicists have pulled back the curtain on one of life's greatest mysteries, discovering the existence of miniature black holes between a car's driver seat and the middle console. 

The post NASA Scientists Discover Tiny Black Hole Between Driver's Seat And Middle Console appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LOS ANGELES, CA—With nothing to do during basketball playoffs, LeBron James turned on a hockey game and was shocked to see players somehow getting back to their feet after being knocked over.

The post LeBron Confused By Hockey Players Who Get Back Up After Getting Knocked Down appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Parents across the nation have begun disguising their kids' elementary schools as the Capitol Building in D.C. so the government will approve funding to keep them secure.

The post Parents Begin Disguising School Buildings As The Capitol So Congress Will Spend Billions To Protect Them appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

The post Report: You Should Hug Your Kids Right This Instant appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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AUSTIN, TX—As leadership in Texas held a press conference to give updates on the tragic school shooting in Uvalde, candidate for governor Beto O'Rourke took the time to drop by and remind everyone he's a giant turd. 

The post Beto Interrupts Press Conference To Remind Everyone He's A Giant Turd appeared first on The Babylon Bee.