MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Mayor Jacob Frey of Minneapolis has announced that all crime and racial tension have been miraculously washed away in his city after a stunning decision to replace his entire police force with Chick-Fil-A workers. Chick-Fil-A workers have selflessly offered to volunteer their time, working for free to spread love and hope to a city in pain. 

The post Utopia Breaks Out In Minneapolis After Police Replaced With Chick-Fil-A Workers appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

BILLINGS, MT—The Association of Nihilists released a statement in support of the Black Lives Matter protests while maintaining their stance that everything is meaningless and nothing really matters in the end. TAON president Marty Hamer says that his organization feels that all races, genders, and ethnicities matter equally—that is to say not at all. 

The post Association Of Nihilists Releases Statement Supporting Black Lives Matter While Maintaining Nothing Really Matters In The End appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast for 6/5/2020.

The post Podcast: The Cheesecake Of Justice appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LAFAYETTE, IN—In a powerful statement of solidarity on Facebook, local husband Ryan Flenderson has announced he will be refraining from all household chores until racism in America is gone forever. Witnesses are reporting that leaky pipes, lawn work, painting, diaper changes, and oil changes will all be put off indefinitely to support the noble cause of ending all injustice for all of eternity. 

The post Husband To Boycott Household Chores Until Racism Is Defeated appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

USA—A new study reveals that most Christians are getting their theology regarding Hell not from the Bible, but from a popular comic strip created by Gary Larson.

The post Study Shows Most Christian Theology About Hell Is Based On Far Side Cartoons appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Jesus told his disciples that if they had faith the size of a tiny mustard seed, they’d be able to move mountains. Well, look out, because President Trump claims he now has faith as large as a peach pit—potentially enough to destroy the entire planet.

The post Trump Claims He’s Developed Faith The Size Of A Peach Pit — Enough To Destroy The Entire Planet appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

BELL CANYON, CA—According to sources, Hollywood celebrities have courageously united under an inspiring new movement to show respect for black lives. Entitled the #BurnYourHouseDown movement, celebrities such as Alyssa Milano, Jimmy Kimmel, and John Legend have volunteered to relinquish their power and privilege by burning their houses and everything they have to the ground. 

The post Celebrities Show Solidarity With Protesters By Burning Their Own Homes To The Ground appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation's white women announced they would be joining the violent riots across the country after they learned that they could get free stuff at Target.

The post Nation's White Women Immediately Join Riots After Learning They Can Get Free Stuff At Target appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SANTA MONICA, CA—Activision has banned all firearms from all current Call of Duty games, calling firearms a symbol of oppressive imperialism. Call of Duty Warzone and Call of Duty Mobile have also been merged into one new, rebranded product called Call of Duty Woke Ops.

The post Call Of Duty Bans All Firearms appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ROCKLIN, CA—The nationally syndicated radio network K-Love shattered a long-standing record on its airwaves this week. The California-based praise and worship programming service went a record-setting twelve minutes without airing the song “Way Maker.” The previous record was seven minutes.

The post K-Love Goes Record 12 Minutes Without Playing ‘Way Maker’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.