U.S. — VeggieTales creator Phil Vischer has announced a new episode that will feature superhero LarryBoy taking on his most dangerous foe yet: anthropomorphic fruits and vegetables who want to live in a Christian nation.

LOS ANGELES — Baseball superstar Shohei Ohtani signed a record-shattering $700 million contract today with the Los Angeles Dodgers, which will net him about 58 bucks after taxes.

U.S. — VeggieTales creator Phil Vischer has announced a new episode that will feature superhero LarryBoy taking on his most dangerous foe yet: anthropomorphic fruits and vegetables who want to live in a Christian nation.

LOS ANGELES — Baseball superstar Shohei Ohtani signed a record-shattering $700 million contract today with the Los Angeles Dodgers, which will net him about 58 bucks after taxes.

BENTONVILLE, AR — Executives from mega-retailer Walmart announced today they will replace their iconic smiley face that rolls back prices with a frowny face that travels around the store rolling prices forward.

LITTLE ROCK, AR — A local conservative man was struck by a sudden feeling of dread while checking out his annual "Year in Review" notification from Spotify, believing he would be horribly embarrassed if the knowledge of how prominently Taylor Swift featured in the list were to be obtained by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

BENTONVILLE, AR — Executives from mega-retailer Walmart announced today they will replace their iconic smiley face that rolls back prices with a frowny face that travels around the store rolling prices forward.

SCHENECTADY, NY — Members of the Pendleton family are reported to have been in a state of emergency since 8:37 this morning, the moment Grandma learned how to "like" text messages. Since then, every member of the entire extended family has been receiving notifications that Grandma "liked" their text message.

SCHENECTADY, NY — Members of the Pendleton family are reported to have been in a state of emergency since 8:37 this morning, the moment Grandma learned how to "like" text messages. Since then, every member of the entire extended family has been receiving notifications that Grandma "liked" their text message.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — To quiet controversy surrounding statements made about Jewish students facing antisemitism on campus, UPenn President Liz Magill announced the start of a new school tradition where she will hold a ceremony to light the "Please Don't Pull That $100 Million Donation" Menorah.