WORLD—After a century of hard-fought battles for equal rights, the feminist movement has finally achieved its ultimate goal of obliterating women's sports, relabeling mothers "birthing persons," and getting women drafted into the military. 

The post Feminists Declare Victory After Obliterating Women's Sports, Relabeling Mothers 'Birthing Persons', Getting Women Drafted appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an unprecedented attack on democracy, former President Donald Trump has managed to sneak back into the White House hidden within a gigantic Trojan ice cream cone. 

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CENTERVILLE, OH—According to sources, local Conservative Trump supporter Dale Bugger can't wait to die and go to Heaven, as he is really looking forward to asking God who truly won the 2020 election.

The post Man Can’t Wait To Get To Heaven To Ask God Who Truly Won 2020 Election appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Experts are warning of yet another new problem facing the nation: They’ve spotted a new, more dangerous freedom variant spreading among the populace. This freedom is so virulent that people infected by it feel they can ignore government edicts about masks and lockdowns.

The post Dangerous New Freedom Variant Causing People To Ignore Government And Live Their Lives appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The new unemployment numbers are out, and they're pretty discouraging: among ethnic mascots of baseball teams and corporate brands, unemployment has skyrocketed 800% in the past year.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Federal Bureau of Investigations has announced that it has uncovered a group planning to hatch terror plots all across the country. In a shocking twist, the organization is headquartered right in Washington, D.C., at the J. Edgar Hoover FBI building.

The post FBI Discovers Building Full Of Dangerous Extremists Organizing Acts Of Terror Across Country appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

TITAN—Some surprising information has come out about Thanos’s scheme to obtain the six Infinity Stones and kill half of all life in the universe: The FBI initiated the plot.

The post Report: FBI Helped Thanos Get Six Infinity Stones In Attempt To Bust Him On Plot To Kill Half The Universe appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CINCINNATI, OH—As part of a campaign to raise awareness and improve public knowledge on treatment options, CNN aired an hour-long public service announcement on the warning signs of dementia Wednesday night.

The post CNN Airs Hour-Long PSA On Warning Signs Of Dementia appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After the earth-shattering success of Olivia Rodrigo's White House vaccine promotion, Biden has announced he will be inviting teen pop sensation and performer of "MMMBop", Hanson.

The post To Get Kids Interested In The Vaccine, Biden Holds Photo Op With Teen Pop Sensation Hanson appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

TOKYO—After the U.S. women's team's embarrassing loss to Sweden in this year's Olympics, America is hoping to come back and regain the gold in the tournament by replacing all the women with a high-school boys team.

The post To Improve Olympic Chances, US Women's Soccer Team Replaced By 15-Year-Old Boys Team In Wigs appeared first on The Babylon Bee.