U.S.—VeggieTales is finally being rebooted without all the sacrilegious elements of the Netflix version, such as eyebrows and irises.

The post VeggieTales Reboot To Include Sanctimonious, Elitist Lemon Named Don appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—There's been a major shakeup in the Democratic primaries, as the 2019-nCoV strain of coronavirus is now polling higher than all candidates for president in national polls.

The post Coronavirus Polling Higher Than All Presidential Candidates appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic leaders in the House called on their Republican colleagues in the Senate to run a fair and thorough impeachment trial instead of a farce as they did when they held impeachment hearings.

The post Dems Who Ran Sham Impeachment Hearings Shocked As Republicans Run Sham Impeachment Trial appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Presidential candidate Senator Elizabeth Warren has announced a plan to fight disinformation online. She has also announced the main target of this effort: “satire” site The Babylon Bee, one of the main perpetrators of fake news.

The post Elizabeth Warren Vows National Manhunt To Find All The Writers Of The Babylon Bee appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WINDSOR'S MILL, OR—"I just want to make a small difference in the world," says Lindsey Harper as she carefully packs small bottles of essential oils into a care package. In just a few days, the package will arrive in China, where its contents will solve Coronavirus for good.

The post Nation's Christian Women Send Essential Oils To China To Combat Coronavirus appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ISRAEL—Scholars studying ancient texts from the first century now believe Jesus actually spent time with prostitutes and tax collectors just to avoid hanging out with despicable journalists.

The post Scholars Now Believe Jesus Spent Time With Prostitutes, Tax Collectors Just To Avoid Hanging Out With Loathsome Journalists appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WILLOW FALLS, NY—Pastor Chuck Nielsen of Foundations Church prides himself on his powerful, moving sermons.

The post Congregation Gently Informs Pastor The Babylon Bee Is Satire appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Farmers have long been looked down upon by coastal elites, and now the farmers are finally getting their revenge: the "redneck hicks" all around the country have announced they will not be shipping the ingredients needed to make avocado toast to major liberal cities like New York and Los Angeles.

The post Hick Farmers Retaliate Against Coastal Elites By Withholding Ingredients Needed To Make Avocado Toast appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 1/29/2020.

The post Weekly News Podcast: Corporate Media And Political Theater appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

BATTLEGROUND, WA—Progressive parents, eager to expose their children to new ideas that will in no way mentally or emotionally scar them for life, showed up by the dozens for this weekend’s “Pennywise The Clown Story Hour” at their local public library. Throughout the hour, the harmless killer clown dazzled the audience with charming songs and dances, several short stories, and occasionally transforming into the physical manifestation of the children’s deepest, darkest fears.

The post Open-Minded Parents Bring Kids To Local Library's 'Pennywise The Clown Story Hour' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.