WASHINGTON, D.C.—Legendary quarterback Tom Brady has announced his plan to retire from the NFL to spend more time carving little wooden toys for his grandkids. In response to the earth-shattering news, President Joe Biden has announced his commitment to replace the outgoing football star with a woman of color. 

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U.S.—A new Gallup Poll shows President Biden beating out the infamous Brussels Sprout for America's least favorite vegetable. The poll, partially conducted as a survey for TV's Family Feud, has been criticized by the Biden administration as "unfair."

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PITTSBURGH, PA—Fern Hollow Bridge in Pittsburgh collapsed Friday morning, injuring ten people. Luckily no one was killed, although the bridge itself died violently. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg arrived at the scene hours later where he cracked open a bottle of champaign and laughed boisterously at the destruction of the racist bridge.

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OTTAWA—A "freedom convoy" of Canadian truckers is on its way to Ottawa in protest of vaccine mandates. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is pushing back at accusations of tyrannical government overreach by claiming the truckers just hate him because he's black.

The post Trudeau Claims Truckers Only Hate Him Because He's Black appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a last-ditch effort to address the mounting immigration crisis on the U.S. southern border, President Biden has named Willow—the newest White House cat—as America's border czar.

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BEIJING—After successfully changing the ending of 'Fight Club' to one where the state authorities win, China's Ministry of Culture has released a new version of Disney's 1977 film, 'The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.' In the new ending, Pooh conquers the world and enslaves ethnic minorities.

The post China Changes Ending Of 'Winnie The Pooh' So Pooh Conquers The World And Enslaves Ethnic Minorities appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CHICAGO O'HARE—Local businessman Garth Puttysmite had no idea his trip to the Central Division Homemade Soaps & Lotions Convention would include an hours-long search for his luggage due to the scores of illegal immigrants accumulating on the baggage claim carousel.

The post Traveler Having Trouble Finding Luggage Among Scores Of Illegal Immigrants On Baggage Claim Carousel appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—AFT President Randi Weingarten spoke out today to clarify that the teachers union official “pro-choice” stance only applies to killing babies, not to parents being able to decide where their children attend school.

The post Democrats Clarify They're Only Pro-Choice About Killing Kids, Not About Where They Attend School appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, President Biden was spotted at Home Depot using color swatches to help him choose the next Supreme Court justice.

The post Biden Seen Looking At Paint Color Swatches To Choose Next Supreme Court Justice appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

HOUSTON, TX—Televangelist Joel Osteen grew frustrated Thursday morning when he was unable to complete the day's Wordle puzzle because the answer was "BIBLE," a term with which he is not familiar.

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