Did you know that almost everything bad that ever happened in the Bible was likely caused by DEI? That's right. The wonton destruction of forced diversity goes back millennia.

U.S. — Before settling in to spend a couple more hours writing another angry social media screed, users across the country were encouraged to consider a recent report that nobody would care about their 17-paragraph political rant on Facebook.

FORT WAYNE, IN — A crack team of theological scholars finally laid an age-old debate within Christendom to rest last week by concluding that the trumpets at Christ's return mean that Jesus will come back with a ska band.

EDEN — According to reports, tensions escalated in the Garden this week after Adam, the world's only man, was seen wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the message "There is only one gender."

LOS GATOS, CA — As part of its ongoing push to create updated versions of classic and beloved stories while maintaining its commitment to promoting sensitivity to modern social norms, Netflix announced that it would be producing a new series titled Little House on the Prarie that We Acknowledge is the Ancestral Land of the Brave and Honorable Lower-West Non-Lakota Sioux Community.

SAINT PAUL, MN — The community expressed disdain after one local loser was found to still have one of those cars that starts with a key.

U.S. — With investigators still looking into the cause of the latest deadly catastrophe, a preliminary report confirmed that the tragedy was the fault of whichever political party you don't like.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump's nominee for HHS Secretary came under instant criticism from members of the Senate Judiciary Committee after RFK was accused of rudely interrupting important political grandstanding.

Editor's note: We apologize for the delay in new content, we'll be back with you just as soon as Tulsi Gabbard is no longer on TV.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — FBI Director nominee Kash Patel surprised and shocked Congress today by showing up for his confirmation hearing wearing a "Female Body Inspector" t-shirt.