Brought to you by  HEAVEN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Savior of the world, was recently surprised to learn that Christianity is not a religion, heavenly sources reported Friday. “The Lord noticed a viral YouTube video claiming ‘Jesus hates religion,’ and then a popular blog post declaring ‘Christianity is NOT a religion,’ and His […]

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U.S.—Sources across the United States confirmed Friday that the cross-section of citizenry which has been comparing President Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler for two years has begun to demand that he take guns away from all citizens at once. Passionate protests and rallies recently all demanded the “dangerous madman” confiscate everybody’s firearms. “Trump is a […]

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CASTLE ROCK, CO—According to sources close to Bedrock Church sound guy Ryan Wendler, the longtime church volunteer actually doesn’t care about audio engineering in the slightest, but rather serves in the sound booth so he can avoid shaking hands during the church’s mandatory greeting time. Wendler discovered the perk of the tech ministry by sheer […]

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MOSCOW—After years of meddling by Russian agents and Russia-funded bots and hacking attempts, the Kremlin announced Thursday it would be withdrawing from all activity in the U.S., and would instead be allowing the country to tear itself apart without any help from them. “Our spies and bots simply couldn’t keep up with the rapid pace […]

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U.S.—Sensitive Kremlin documents leaked early Thursday exposed popular American news channel CNN as a nefarious front operation run top-to-bottom by Russian bots for the purpose of sowing discord among the government and populace of the United States. U.S. Federal agents raided the organization’s properties around the world in a series of coordinated operations shortly after […]

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U.S.—An exciting new exercise bike, sold under the brand “Christ Fit,” will force the rider to watch Christian movies until he or she hits a chosen fitness goal for a given exercise session, sources confirmed Thursday. Once the user hits a pre-selected goal of riding minutes, distance traveled, or burned calories, the exercise bike will […]

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DALLAS, TX—Upon the news of Billy Graham’s passing at age 99 Wednesday morning, local man John Everly took the opportunity to criticize the man’s preaching, theology, and methodology. Everly has not shared the good news of Jesus Christ with a single person in his entire life, multiple sources confirmed. In a lengthy blog post “hot […]

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HEAVEN—After taking a number and finding his place in the long line to enter the pearly gates, evangelist Billy Graham reportedly converted thousands of unsaved people who were awaiting eternal judgement to Christ Wednesday morning. Graham passed the time waiting for his turn to enter paradise by giving a passionate plea to those waiting to […]

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U.S.—Jubilant citizens from sea to shining sea have begun preparing for an unprecedented Golden Age after Hollywood superstar Jennifer Lawrence revealed in an interview that she will be taking a year off of acting to “fix our democracy.” “Finally, after all this strife, J. Law is going to save us all!” ecstatic Americans exclaimed Wednesday […]

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TAMPA, FL—While visiting his parents’ church over the weekend, local Calvinist Maurice Johnson reportedly came forward for the altar call in order to bluntly confront the pastor for his “obviously Arminian” stance on salvation. As the organist played “Softly and Tenderly” one last time, Johnson solemnly rose from his seat near the back, walked to […]

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