PRINCETON, NJ — According to a new study, researchers have confirmed that approximately 98% of all parenting is just deciding if what they're hearing is "good screaming" or "bad screaming."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It was a difficult day for Volodymyr Zelenskyy, as he had been summoned to the White House for important talks on how to negotiate the end of the war that wrecked his country but was reportedly left kicking himself for not wearing his more formal olive green t-shirt for the meeting.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump extended an olive branch to the United Kingdom on Thursday, telling Prime Minister Keir Starmer that England was still his favorite out of all the Muslim countries.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a thorough 3-minute investigation, the FBI announced that the highly anticipated Epstein list had shredded itself.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A boisterous and jubilant throng gathered on the front lawn of the presidential residence today to celebrate the release of declassified files, as the White House cheerleading squad loaded copies of the Epstein Files into a t-shirt cannon and launched them out into the crowd.

DALLAS, TX — The age-old tradition of people spending their free time engaging in activities that are far less relaxing than their work and responsibilities was carried on this week, as a man with a very stressful life decided to unwind by watching a very stressful basketball game.

NEWARK, NJ — Churchgoers at New Wine Community Church were reportedly dismayed when they were led in singing a sorry excuse for a worship song that didn't even have a guitar solo.

FORT DODGE, IA — A spiritual sigh could briefly be heard breaking through the veil separating worlds as local man Edgar Russell settled down for an evening of watching Netflix and eating Pringles as his guardian angel stood dutifully over him to make sure he didn't choke.

JERUSALEM — After much research, scholars have officially concluded that the "thorn in the flesh," which the apostle Paul laments in his second letter to the Corinthians, was very likely a leaf blower.

U.S. — Patriotic Americans coast to coast raised a collective cheer today after hearing news that conservatism itself had been saved as a Muslim sex trafficker had been safely and triumphantly brought back to the U.S.