WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to President Biden claim the elderly politician was initially nervous and worried upon hearing a president was going to be indicted for shady deals and suspect business transactions, but was "relieved" upon learning that it was just a possible misdemeanor allegedly committed by Trump years ago.

NEW YORK, NY — Mike Lindell lashed out wildly with a sword, even cutting off the ear of a New York police officer after authorities arrived at Trump Tower to take the current sitting president of the United States into custody. Trump reportedly admonished Lindell and miraculously healed the officer's ear before willingly surrendering himself to District Attorney Alvin Bragg.

SAN DIEGO, CA — As a part of Major League Baseball's new push to both speed up the pace of games and make them more exciting for spectators, it was announced that pitchers who violate the new pitch clock will then be dropped into a pit of hungry alligators as punishment.

These days, it seems you aren't able to swing a dead cat without hitting a failing bank. We'll ignore the concerns raised by the fact that you're swinging a dead cat in the first place and instead focus on safer places to put your money. Economic uncertainty, combined with the instability of financial institutions, makes it a necessity to have options.

These days, it seems you aren't able to swing a dead cat without hitting a failing bank. We'll ignore the concerns raised by the fact that you're swinging a dead cat in the first place and instead focus on safer places to put your money. Economic uncertainty, combined with the instability of financial institutions, makes it a necessity to have options.

U.S. — A new study from Stanford University has revealed the number one cause of depression in males aged 18-65 is not being allowed to dress as a ship's captain from the time of the Napoleonic Wars.

JERUSALEM — New discoveries from archeological digs and ancient texts have led biblical scholars to believe that, in addition to all of the other catastrophes and maladies that plagued Job in his life, he was also a huge Chicago Cubs fan.

ORLANDO, FL — Amid an escalating feud with Ron DeSantis, Disney dealt a devastating blow to the Governor by changing the requirements on all their attractions so that only people over 6 feet tall may enter.

U.S. — A new study from Stanford University has revealed the number one cause of depression in males aged 18-65 is not being allowed to dress as a ship's captain from the time of the Napoleonic Wars.

JERUSALEM — New discoveries from archeological digs and ancient texts have led biblical scholars to believe that, in addition to all of the other catastrophes and maladies that plagued Job in his life, he was also a huge Chicago Cubs fan.