WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Washington Post drew some criticism from nutty right-wingers today after calling Joe Biden "a very Catholic president who worships Satan."

The post Washington Post Calls Biden A 'Very Catholic President Who Worships Satan' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

AMES, IA—After six years leading worship at Redeemer On The Rock, Joe Miller has been asked to step down after church leadership confirmed the rumor that Joe had turned thirty years old.

The post Worship Leader Forced Into Retirement After Turning 30 appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A spokesman for the FDA announced Friday that it was lifting the pause on the Johnson and Johnson COVID vaccine after the company reformulated the product into a trademarked No More Clots™ formula. Shares of the company jumped 5% after the announcement. 

“We are pleased to announce that Johnson and Johnson’s new vaccine formula has passed all of the rigorous safety testing we could do in three days,” an FDA spokesman said. “Plus, it says ‘no more clots’ right there in the name! What could possibly go wrong?” 

A spokeswoman for Johnson and Johnson said the company worked extensively with scientists in their baby shampoo division to make sure the new COVID vaccine was safe. “Our new No More Clots™ formula is as gentle to your platelets as pure water,” she said.

“It’s also 100% soap-free, dermatologist-tested, and hypoallergenic.” 

The spokeswoman noted that the vaccine was tested extensively by the company’s herd of koala bears, which confirmed that the vaccine not only eliminates the risk of deadly blood clots, but also made their hair softer, shiner, and more manageable, all while maintaining a fresh smell.  
 

The post Johnson And Johnson Rolls Out New 'No More Clots' Vaccine appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Senator Tim Scott said America is no longer a racist country, Democrats scrambled to prove him wrong. They quickly devastated his argument by going into storage and dusting off their old KKK hoods, which they then donned to show him just how racist America actually is.

The post Dems: 'If America Isn't Racist, How Do You Explain These White Hoods We're Wearing?' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON D.C.—“Who are you? Where are my pills?” These are powerful words from President Joe Biden’s joint address to Congress that echoed the concern of many Americans.

The post 'Who Are You? Where Are My Pills?' Says Biden In Dynamic Speech Echoing All Of America's Concerns appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

EVANSVILLE, IN—According to sources, a local family has been forced to buy a second freezer to hold all the nasty brown bananas they've been saving to make banana bread. 

The post Local Family Buys Second Freezer To Hold All The Mushy Bananas They're Saving For Banana Bread appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Everyone loves a good game of Uno -- everyone, that is, except nonbinary folk, who are offended by the apparently gendered "o" at the end of its name.

The post Inclusivity Win: 'Uno' To Be Renamed 'Unx' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After successfully plundering the dreams and futures of your great-grandchildren to pay off unions and poorly run blue states, the Democrat Party has announced they are moving on to plundering your great-great-grandchildren.

The post Having Stolen Everything From Your Great-Grandchildren, Democrats Move On To Your Great-Great-Grandchildren appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

What are women thinking? What are they feeling? What do they WANT FROM US!? 

The post A Handy Guide To Translating Your Wife's Facial Expressions appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

JERUSALEM—John Kerry recently made a trip to Israel for climate talks but was delayed at the border. According to sources, Israeli forces asked him to remove his explosive vest before entering the country.

The post Israel Asks John Kerry To Remove Explosive Vest Before Entering Country appeared first on The Babylon Bee.