If you're part of the administration of a major university, what you've seen on the news may have you feeling rather frightened. Say, for the sake of discussion, a large group of unruly students sets up an autonomous zone on campus and refuses to vacate. What can you do?

NEW YORK, NY — The world watched in horror last night as a large group of indoctrinated woke extremists destroyed a woke extremist indoctrination center.

LONDON — In an attempt to lay a solid biblical foundation following his recent baptism, church leaders worked to get Russell Brand up to speed on Christian theology by sitting him down for a VeggieTales marathon.

CHANDLER, AZ — After the Biden campaign announced their latest rally in the increasingly purple swing state of Arizona, a family of tumbleweeds excitedly made the journey to attend.

MIAMI, FL — In a move designed to unite the Republican party and their camps of supporters who may still have hard feelings toward each other in the wake of a contentious primary, former President Donald Trump announced that he had made amends with a bitter rival.

NEW YORK, NY — The world watched in horror last night as a large group of indoctrinated woke extremists destroyed a woke extremist indoctrination center.

CHINO, CA — Residents of a local neighborhood grew more closely knit this week, as a man introduced himself to his next door neighbors who had just recently moved in nine years ago.

Ivy Leagues have been making the headlines lately, but what can students actually learn at a prestigious university these days? The answers may surprise you.

U.S. — According to sources, you have now gone several weeks without that delightful jingle from the 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS commercial stuck in your head on repeat.

LONDON — Amid the fervor surrounding his profession of faith and recent baptism, comedian/actor Russell Brand's Christianity was called into question after it was revealed that he has not yet memorized the lyrics of DC Talk's "Jesus Freak."