The post God Puts Rainbow In Sky Promising Never To Punish The Earth With 'Friends' Reunion Again appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Newsom has announced a lottery sweepstakes where five lucky vaccinated Californians will be allowed to leave California for a better state.

The post Newsom Announces Sweepstakes Where 5 Lucky Winners Get To Move Out Of California appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congressional Republicans are speaking out today about the “wasteful and reckless spending” proposed as part of President Biden’s $6 trillion budget plan. As an alternative, the GOP has set forth their own fiscally conservative proposal totaling only $5.99 trillion.

The post Republicans Counter $6 Trillion Budget Proposal With Fiscally Responsible $5.9 Trillion Budget Proposal appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has updated its community standards today, declaring that anyone who says the COVID-19 virus wasn't developed in the lab in Wuhan will be banned for sharing fake news.

The post Facebook Now Banning Anyone Who Says Virus Wasn't Created In Wuhan Lab appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Local progressive activists planned a protest to call for defunding of the police today, but it was quickly canceled after some local criminals stole all their signs. 

The post Defund Police Protest Canceled After Someone Steals All Their Signs appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CUPERTINO, CA—As Apple CEO Tim Cook was hanging out in his office this morning, a red phone rang on his desk: the phone for which only President Xi Jinping has the number. Cook jumped up, dropped his guitar, and answered.

The post At China's Instruction, Apple Removes Taiwan From Maps appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—In order to bring back the viewers it's lost since the 2020 election ended, CNN is rehiring the biggest draw for its audience: former President Trump, who will host all the news segments every night on prime time.

The post CNN Hires Trump As News Anchor To Recover Lost Viewers appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

AUBURN, NY—It was straight out of a horror movie. Richard Maxwell was in the lecture hall for a college class, and something felt wrong. That’s when he realized he was indoors without a mask.

The post Man Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Recurring Nightmare Of Going To School Maskless appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WUHAN—After President Biden instructed U.S. intelligence to increase their efforts in discovering the origins of COVID-19, city officials of Wuhan gathered together to try to understand the sudden interest in their wonderful city again. 

The post Wuhan Beginning To Rethink Newly Installed Sign Reading 'Birthplace Of Covid' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LOS ANGELES, CA—Actor and WWE wrestler John Cena announced that he will soon be undergoing a controversial new spine implant surgery after being diagnosed with a tragic case of having no spine.

The post John Cena To Undergo Experimental Spine Implant Surgery appeared first on The Babylon Bee.