U.S.—A new, more grounded HGTV program called Real Home Improvement Projects of America will feature a more realistic take on home repairs and upgrades, as the couples featured on the program will excitedly start an “easy DIY” home upgrade project, eventually get frustrated, and finally just give up. Couples on the program will be inspired by […]

The post New, More Realistic HGTV Show To Feature Couples Starting Home Improvement Projects, Getting Frustrated, Giving Up appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—After Justice Kennedy announced his retirement Wednesday, the nation took a brief moment to thank the Lord that Hillary Clinton lost the 2016 election, and thus would not be able to select his replacement for the Supreme Court. The nation acknowledged that it didn’t deserve God’s blessings but thanked Him anyway for sparing them a […]

The post As Justice Kennedy Retires, Nation Takes Moment To Thank God Hillary Clinton Not President appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NEW ORLEANS, LA—According to sources close to Pastor Grant Watson, the 58-year-old Baptist minister who goes on an impassioned aside about “all these darned millennials” and “the kids these days” during every sermon can’t figure out why his church loses millennial members each and every year. The pastor who manages to turn nearly every Bible […]

The post Pastor Who Bashes Millennials Every Sermon Can’t Figure Out Why Millennials Leaving The Church appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

RUSSIA—In a bid to reach more Americans and the few other countries with relatively low interest in the World Cup, FIFA officials announced today that all future matches will include Mario Kart-style power-ups scattered about the pitch. Players will not only have to attempt to score an actual goal at some point during the full 90 […]

The post World Cup Officials To Spice Up Matches With Mario Kart Power-Ups appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Alright, brave soldiers of the Resistance, buckle up. This one’s so repulsive it needs a trigger warning: news just broke that President Trump had so much hate for Muslims, he actually went back in time and forced President Obama to choose the countries Trump was able to target with his travel ban after taking office. […]

The post DISGUSTING: Fueled By His Hate For Muslims, Trump Went Back In Time And Made Obama Pick The Countries Targeted By His Travel Ban appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

BREMERTON, WA—Graduating high school senior Sarah Henson was invited to stand in front of her church on Sunday while other members surrounded her, laid hands on her, and prayed that she would miraculously stand firm in her beliefs when hit with basic secular arguments the church had never once attempted to prepare her to face. […]

The post Congregation Prays Graduating Senior Be Protected From Basic Secular Arguments They Never Bothered To Prepare Her For appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

VAN NUYS, CA—Local conservative man Bill Walder woke up this morning, made a cup of coffee, and immediately turned on his computer so he could check political pundit Ben Shapiro’s social media pages in order to learn what news items should be outraging him today. “I always start my morning off right, by checking with […]

The post Conservative Man Checks Ben Shapiro’s Page To Find Out What Should Outrage Him Today appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Setting a dangerous precedent for the nation, the radical, far-right Supreme Court upheld the First Amendment rights of pro-life centers in its NIFLA v. Becerra decision earlier today. Five obviously fascist members of the court voted not to force pro-life centers to advertise abortions, narrowly beating out the four brave resistance justices who attempted to […]

The post Radical, Far-Right Supreme Court Recognizes Pro-Life Movement’s First Amendment Rights appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LOS ANGELES, CA—At a rally in support of immigrant families separated by Trump administration enforcement policies, Representative Maxine Waters quoted former first lady Michelle Obama by declaring, “When they go low, we go high!” just before calling for ruthless mobs to harass members of the Trump administration in public. “As Michelle Obama said, ‘When they […]

The post ‘When They Go Low, We Go High,’ Says Maxine Waters Before Calling For Mobs To Harass All Trump Officials appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CHICAGO, IL—Gary Chapman found huge success with his popular book The 5 Love Languages and its approximately four thousand spin-offs and study guides. Now, Chapman is bringing his principles of connection and communication into the 21st century, with The 5 Love Languages for Millennials, available today from Northfield Publishing. The author spent years studying 20-30 somethings in order […]

The post Gary Chapman Releases ‘The 5 Love Languages For Millennials’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.