KENTON, MA—Local baker Harold Mackerelli has updated his menu to sell only cakes that beg customers not to sue the crud out of him and his family. On the shop counter there is a binder of options presenting a wide variety of new cakes such as the "Please, I have a family" strawberry cake and "There's another shop across the street if you don't like Christians" coconut crumbles cake.

The post Christian Baker Now Just Sells Cakes Begging Customers Not To Sue Him appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WORLD—A potentially deadly conflict appears to be looming between an unstable, rogue, warmongering nation and Iran.

The post Conflict Looms Between Unstable, Warmongering, Rogue Nation And Iran appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—On a talk show Monday evening, Joe Biden promised his followers he would eradicate all disease, pain, suffering, and that he would even vanquish death itself.

The post Joe Biden Promises His Followers Eternal Life appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

COSTA MESA, CA—A local church family that has never once volunteered to help out in any capacity is constantly complaining about their church's lack of programs, an exasperated pastor confirmed Tuesday.

The post 'Why Doesn't Our Church Have More Programs?' Asks Family That Never Volunteers For Anything appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—Greg Klein was walking home when he saw an injured man on the side of the road. Much like the good Samaritan in Jesus’s parable, Klein acted swiftly. He immediately took out his phone and let his rival political party have it on Twitter.

The post Modern-Day Good Samaritan Sees Injured Man On Side Of Road, Angrily Tweets About Republicans appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The 347 Democratic presidential candidates currently running announced Monday their new plan to attract voters to their platforms: simply to dangle stacks of cash over their heads on a fishing line.

The post Democratic Candidates Announce Plan To Simply Dangle Stacks Of Cash In Front Of Potential Voters appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

COLFAX, CA—A local Calvary Chapel congregation is being accused of false advertising after failing to live up to their website’s slogan, “Teaching Verse by Verse through the Bible.” During a recent Bible series, “Counting on God through Numbers,” several attendees noticed the pastor kind of skimming through large chunks of the Book of Numbers. 

The post Calvary Chapel Pastor Claims To Teach The Bible Verse By Verse But Kinda Skips Through The Book Of Numbers appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bernie Sanders announced he would pay off all $1.6 trillion in student debt if elected president "so that we can stay true to our liberal values of not taking personal responsibility for anything."

The post Bernie Sanders: 'We Must Pay Off Student Debt To Stay True To Our Liberal Values Of Not Taking Personal Responsibility For Anything' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA —After a slew of controversies surrounding Google's desire to censor videos on YouTube and impact election results, IT director Floyd Parker was tasked with figuring out what had gone wrong at the multi-jillion dollar company. 

The post Google Employee Discovers Someone Accidentally Switched The Computers To 'evil' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources in the White House, President Trump has been looking for a way to serve as president indefinitely since he first took office. He's tried everything: miracle pills he ordered off Infowars, constitutional loopholes, seeking out the Holy Grail. But nothing worked.

The post Red Alert: Trump Just Punched The Konami Code Into His Phone To Grant Himself Infinite Terms appeared first on The Babylon Bee.