WASHINGTON, D.C.—The United States Supreme Court announced their decision Monday to strike down laws requiring Louisiana abortion clinics to have better access to hospitals in case of medical emergencies. The Court expressed concern that the laws could limit abortion providers' access to massive profits.

The post Supreme Court Rules States Cannot Place Undue Burden On Abortion Providers' Right To Make Tons Of Money Off Killing Babies appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LOS ANGELES, CA—In an effort to avoid problematic situations where a character is voiced by an actor who does not look like them, The Simpsons will now only use voice actors who agree to dye their skin yellow permanently.

The post The Simpsons Will Now Only Use Voice Actors Who Permanently Dye Their Skin Yellow appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NASHVILLE, TN—In a move to distance itself from the racist South, the Southern Baptist Convention announced today it would be removing the word "Southern" from its name.

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U.S.—A survey of leading physicians unanimously agreed that the best response to COVID-19 is for the government to lock everything down, then reopen, then lock down again, then reopen again and to just keep doing that until everyone completely loses their minds. "Humanity's will to live is not infinite," said Dr. Fostein of Columbia Medical University. "I'm confident we can crush the collective human spirit into a fine powder with just a few more lockdowns and reopenings."

The post Doctors Recommend Locking Down And Reopening Repeatedly Until Everyone Has Nervous Breakdown appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

CINCINNATI, OH—Procter & Gamble unveiled today its new more socially conscious toothpaste: 3D Black, a toothpaste that promises to take your white teeth and make them as black as possible.

The post Crest Introduces New More Socially Conscious Tooth Blackening Paste appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

The post Dixie Chicks Change Name To 'Three Persons Of Non-Specific Gender And Regional Background' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SODOM AND GOMORRAH—Mistaking her for a racist statue, an angry mob has torn down Lot's wife, who is a pillar of salt. His wife was thought to be a hateful symbol of white privilege and patriarchy and probably some other bad stuff.

The post Protesters Near Sodom And Gomorrah Tear Down Lot's Wife appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast special episode for 6/26/2020.

The post Podcast: Cops, Kanye, And Candace With Kira Davis appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PURCHASE, NY—Popular multinational financial services company, Mastercard Incorporated, which is known for its extensive line of credit, debit, and prepaid cards to process payments between card-issuing banks and merchants, has released a statement that they will now be known as Equalitycard. This shift in branding follows other companies who have made major branding changes due to their negligence in propagating racial stereotypes in America like Aunt Jemima syrup, Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice, and Land O’Lakes Butter.  

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CHICAGO, IL—For students at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, the end of the spring semester means a mad dash for unmarried pastoral seniors to find a wife before graduation. While not technically a prerequisite for ministry, the school has an unwritten expectation that pastors will find a wife who will support them in ministry, and when possible write their sermons for them. However, with social distancing guidelines, students have been learning online and single pastoral majors have been unable to fulfill the “ring by spring” expectation.

The post Bible College To Provide Complimentary Wives To Unmarried Pastoral Graduates appeared first on The Babylon Bee.