ATLANTA, GA — With both of his arms and legs cut clean off by the end of the debate, President Biden has continued to insist that the defeat was "merely a flesh wound".

WASHINGTON, DC — Following the disastrous Presidential debate, First Lady Jill Biden announced she will not drop out of the race despite growing calls from within the party to do so.

NEW YORK, NY — Journalists from media outlets around the country are reeling from shock after Biden's performance in the presidential debate, caught completely off guard by the President's steep mental decline.

SUCRE — A church missions trip to Bolivia struggled with a low conversion rate thanks in part to the boring testimony of a missionary named Aiden Miller, 17, who stood up before a group of South American families to share his incredibly boring testimony about how he grew up in a Christian home and then just, sort of, became Christian by default.

Democrats were reportedly brainstorming late into the night, scrambling to find a viable candidate — or any candidate — to run against Donald Trump following Joe Biden's disastrous performance in last night's presidential debate.

ATLANTA, GA — Following Biden's debate performance, First Lady Jill Biden offered her husband a treat for his efforts at a rally following the event.

TUSCALOOSA, AL — Congregants at First Baptist Church of Tuscaloosa confirmed that the church has committed to offering free PTSD counseling and treatment to all volunteers who were involved in this summer's Vacation Bible School.

U.S. — Kristi Noem's penchant for putting down untrainable animals made her popular with Democrats following last night's Presidential Debate, with her phone reportedly ringing off the hook ever since.

ORLANDO, FL — Sources close to the Thompson family recently confirmed that Lisa Thompson has, in fact, borrowed her husband Henry's wireless earbuds "just for a moment" to listen to a true crime podcast because she's just misplaced hers and she's still looking for them.

U.S. — As summer ramped up heading into the important home stretch to the November presidential election, an alarming new study found that 33% of Americans are dumber than a bag of hammers.