CHARLOTTE, NC—Local mom Denise James was seen Monday morning dropping her kids off at Hathaway Middle School, which raised a few eyebrows in her community since school doesn’t start for another three weeks. James’s three children, ages 11, 9, and 7, reportedly spent the day sitting on the front steps of the school, backpacks on, […]

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MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has hired the fierce warrior Drax the Destroyer as its new Head of Satire Detection to help the company and users at large distinguish between satire and fake news, the social network announced at a press conference Friday. The notorious literalist will comb through viral stories rapidly spreading across Facebook and flag […]

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DALLAS, TX—Pastor Robert Jeffress, longtime supporter of  President Donald Trump, has publicly accused Jesus of Nazareth of having “Trump Derangement Syndrome” after reading that the Christ condemned adultery in the Sermon on the Mount. A baffled Jeffress read Jesus’s words condemning not only adultery but looking at a woman lustfully, and immediately concluded the Rabbi […]

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U.S.—In response to criticism of the alleged shadow ban of certain right-leaning accounts on the platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey apologized Friday for allowing conservatives on the platform in the first place. The visibly distraught CEO openly wept as he expressed his great remorse for ever having allowed conservatives to open accounts and let their […]

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U.S.—Reacting with disgust to the 4.1% second-quarter GDP growth figure released Friday, the nation’s Democrats united to slam President Donald Trump for America’s booming economy. “The U.S. economy is on fire. This is totally unacceptable and, wouldn’t you know, typical of Republican policy,” Nancy Pelosi said at a press conference. “What happened to the good […]

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BOSTON, MA—Local man Justin Fuller immediately fell dead after clicking “I have read and accept these terms and conditions” when installing a new piece of software Friday morning. The Lord and Sovereign Judge, from which nothing is hidden, could tell Fuller had not even glanced at the twelve pages of legalese, and thus his checking […]

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NEW YORK, NY—NYPD detectives assisted the FBI in capturing yet another Russian spy Friday morning, having tracked his movements through the city for several weeks. Finally seizing their opportunity, the law enforcement officers apprehended him in front of the apartment he’s been occupying on U.S. soil for the past six months. Law enforcement pulled up […]

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ANAHEIM, CA—According to sources present at Scioscia Ave Baptist Church last Sunday, the congregation was invited to stand when the pastor had gotten midway through his seventh sermon point, so they could participate in the traditional seventh-sermon-point stretch. The favorite Christian pastime allows churchgoers to stand up, stretch their legs a little, and sign a fun […]

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TUSTIN, CA—Local man Kyle Farkel was browsing Facebook at a coffee shop this morning when he came across something that very nearly made him laugh: a humorous article from a satire page he follows. Farkel was just about to click on the article and chuckle at the various jokes sprinkled throughout the piece when something […]

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U.S.—A new report published by Pew Research Center confirmed Thursday that more and more millennials are putting off important life milestones, such as moving out of their parents’ beds. The study looked at thousands of millennials across the country and found that while previous generations tended to stop sleeping with their parents at a very […]

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