WASHINGTON, D.C.—Work on the bipartisan infrastructure bill in Congress has ground to a halt as nobody there is sure what number comes after trillion.

The post Infrastructure Bill Stalled Until Someone Can Look Up What Number Comes After Trillion appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SAN DIEGO, CA—According to sources, Democrats in Washington really want people to get vaccinated. When it comes to undocumented immigrants, however, Democrats don't really seem to care as much. This led local man Damien Cooper to pose as an illegal immigrant so politicians won't bother him about getting vaccinated all the time. 

The post Man Disguises Self As Illegal Immigrant So Democrats Won't Care That He's Unvaccinated appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a harrowing testimony before the January 6th Committee, Capitol Police Officer Lenny Burbo revealed his paralyzing fear as MAGA terrorist insurrectionist racists stormed the Capitol. 

The post 'I Thought I Was Going To Die', Says Capitol Police Officer Who Held Door Open For Protestors On Jan. 6 appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—In a groundbreaking study of over 328 million statements given by experts over the last 10 years, researchers discovered that 97% of those statements were totally made up.

The post Study Finds 97% Of Statements Following 'Experts Say' Are Completely Made Up appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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ATLANTA, GA—The CDC is once again recommending face masks indoors—even for vaccinated individuals. While the exact effectiveness of face masks in preventing the spread of COVID-19 isn’t known, a new study has shown that face masks are highly ineffective in protecting you from looking like some giant dummy who doesn’t know how viruses or vaccines work.

The post Face Masks Found To Be Effective At Making You Look Like A Giant Dummy Who Doesn’t Know How Vaccines Work appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—As the new Delta variant continues to wreak havoc in the U.S., a spokesman for drugmaker Pfizer admitted today that the true COVID vaccine isn’t what was injected into our bodies, but rather the friends we made along the way. 

“The key to defeating COVID was inside of us this whole time,” the spokesman said. "I’m not talking about our immune systems. I’m talking about our friends, families, and neighbors who helped us through this difficult ordeal. They are the TRUE cure for the pandemic.” 

“Over the last 17 months, we’ve laughed together virtually, cried together virtually, and even burned down several city blocks in the name of peaceful protests,” he said. “If we keep working together while wearing masks and staying six feet apart, there’s no end to what we can accomplish.” 

“Though we’ve made great progress, we’re not out of the woods just yet,” the spokesman then warned. “So please, continue to harass your friends and neighbors about wearing masks, report improper behavior to government authorities, and out strangers on social media whenever possible. That’s what good friends do.”  

The spokesman concluded the press conference by urging everyone to get a third Pfizer shot, preferably prior to the end of the company’s fiscal third quarter on September 30. He said the firm is also testing the need for a fourth booster shot, the need for which will depend highly on how the rest of their fiscal year goes. 

The post Pfizer Admits The True Vaccine Is The Friends We Made Along The Way appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Sony Pictures has released a trailer for Ghostbusters: Afterlife, a new Ghostbusters movie that follows the story of the original two. Response to the trailer has been cautious after the disastrous previous attempt to reboot the franchise in 2016. Sony Pictures vows this movie will be different, though, primarily because they’re not letting any women act in it.

The post Sony Pictures Announces New Ghostbusters Movie Will Have No Women In It Just To Be On The Safe Side appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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The post Here Are 8 Indisputable Reasons Kids MUST Wear Masks At School appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Zondervan, purveyor of many fine study Bibles, has released an exciting new study Bible just for women. This special edition of the Bible has over 30,000 notes, all of which just say "Go ask your husband to explain this to you."

The post New Study Bible For Women Has 30,000 Notes That All Say 'Go Ask Your Husband To Explain This To You' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.