U.S —As the nation plunges headlong into another fall season, the FDA has officially recommended pouring all pumpkin spice flavored beverages down the nearest drain immediately. Stressing that they are “all just completely abhorrent and disgusting,” a spokesman for the agency confirmed Wednesday that only safe and honorable course of action when confronted with a […]

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STEPHENVILLE, TX—Global leader in the production of Christian trinkets FaithWayz has launched what is sure to be the must-have Christian trinket of the year. A new bracelet emblazoned with the letters “WWJF” proudly proclaims to the world encouragement for Christian people to lean into their feelings when discerning what is true, “just like Jesus did.” […]

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BROOKLYN, NY—On Monday, New York University acting student Liam Roberts became engaged in a political argument with his conservative Christian roommate, Jake Martinez. During the heated exchange, which was reportedly about Medicare, Roberts claimed that Jesus Christ was a socialist. When Martinez asked him to back up his claim, Roberts cited “the Bible” and “the […]

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DEARBORN, MI—According to reports from Plainview Baptist Church, local parishioner Matthew Daniels makes it a habit to open his wallet and generously give to the church a portion of whatever money is left over in his budget at the end of the month. Daniels, who has attended Plainview Baptist for more than ten years, told […]

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MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to combat hate on its platform, Facebook has unveiled its new Pre-Crime Division, a department of the social media company that will identify and neutralize people likely to commit hate crimes, violate the company’s terms of service, or engage in any other activity the company disapproves of. Using advanced algorithms […]

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RICHMOND, VA—When Lucas Wilson, 38, heard President Trump’s recent assertion that Google searches are rigged, he was understandably concerned, as the man uses Google for dozens of queries each and every day. So Wilson did the only reasonable thing: he searched Google to see whether or not Google is rigged, biased, or otherwise compromised. Thankfully, […]

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U.S.—Overnight, the nation’s population of renowned experts on complex international trade agreements ballooned, with current estimates suggesting that every single person in the country is now highly educated on the subject. The sudden increase in the number of people who know the ins and outs about how international trade agreements work coincides with Trump’s recent […]

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VATICAN CITY—In a private moment of reflection after watching one of his cardinals state that the head of the Roman Catholic Church was too busy speaking about the environment, addressing migrant issues, and “carrying on the work of the church” to address victims of the Church’s horrific sex abuse scandal, the Pontiff suddenly realized he […]

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U.S.—Some lady you barely know at church was going in for the hug Sunday during your congregation’s customary greeting time, sources close to you confirmed. The tragic event occurred just after the worship leader asked everyone to “walk around and shake hands with 5 people you don’t know.” You reportedly stood there smiling tightly at […]

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U.S.—According to sources close to a local reader of this article, the regular user of this site thought that this article was supposed to be satire. Since the satirical content of this piece was simply a slight exaggeration from reality, the user humorously pointed out that it could, in fact, be mistaken for real news, […]

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