LILY CREEK, MI — Local man Frank Quincy is 33 years old but still pictures every character in the Bible as a talking vegetable, sources close to the man confirmed earlier this week.

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SACRAMENTO, CA — California made headlines this week when the World Trade Organization confirmed that the state has a new chief export: residents moving to other states to seek a better life.

BALTIMORE, MD — Local PC Technician Todd Manfroy was singled out as a chump by his local community Wednesday after it was discovered he worked his way through college to avoid taking on student loan debt. As a result, the 32-year-old fool was unable to take advantage of President Biden's recent student loan forgiveness plan.

NEW YORK, NY — New York Governor Kathy Hochul recently informed New York Republicans that they're not welcome in her state. But lo, a chosen one of burnt papaya hue, Donald Trump, approached her and demanded that she let his people go. The Republicans' punishments then worsened, with Hochul ordering that they have to make bricks without any straw and severely increasing their tax burdens.

LOS ANGELES — Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee Ozzy Osbourne says he is sick and tired of "freggle cong mazzer lo" and plans to exchange his fast-paced L.A. lifestyle for the peaceful green pastures of "Ghrizzah Hurgle Kroocy Breedle Boop."

JERUSALEM — A group of young men who had just finished burying Ananias, a man stricken dead for lying to the Holy Spirit, became frustrated when they discovered they also had to bury his wife Sapphira. The men had reportedly just gotten out of the shower and put on clean clothes when they saw her drop dead on the floor before the apostle Peter.

ROANOKE, VA — After local grandmother "Granny Mabel" liked a "Make America Great Again" minion meme on Facebook, she noticed an immediate increase in traffic on her rural one-way street. Sources confirm that her suspicion grew when a flower delivery van, plumbing van, and cable company van all parked across the street from her residence, despite her not having called any of them.

NEWARK, NJ — Critically acclaimed, larger-than-life star Lizzo, recently accepted her music video award at MTV's VMAs. While doing so, the artist took the time to speak out about the systemic oppression of having to walk all the way down to this stage to accept an award she can't even eat.

JERUSALEM — A popular YouTuber died suddenly on Monday while filming an unboxing video of the famed Ark of the Covenant. The sacred Jewish artifact, which had recently been discovered by archeologists in a cave outside Jerusalem, had been turned over to the Israel Antiquities Authority who recruited a Gen Z influencer to document the find.