ALPINE HILLS, CA—Christ United Reformed Church is currently under investigation, authorities confirmed, after it was discovered that church nursery workers were instructed to baptize all visitors’ babies in secret, without informing or notifying the infants’ parents. After parents had dropped off their children with nursery personnel, an elder would emerge from a secret adjacent room […]

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You’ve heard it said not to be discouraged when evangelistic efforts don’t bear immediate fruit, because you never know what effect they might have down the road, in the future, long after you’ve “planted the seed of truth” in the listener’s heart. It’s been more than five years since Tim Tebow played in an NFL […]

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BALDWIN PARK, CA—According to shocked witnesses at a local In-N-Out Burger location, first-time patron Kyle Dedson was immediately translated into heaven upon his first bite of a Double-Double burger Monday. Dedson was reportedly visiting Southern California from his home state of Michigan for the first time, and was unprepared for the rapture that awaited his […]

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ALBANY, NY—If you’re going to make a bold move like attempting to shake your megachurch pastor’s hand as he makes a beeline for the green room after service, make sure your church’s security team isn’t armed. That’s the lesson learned by local man Troy Brogan this past Sunday, as the visitor darted toward Pastor Dave […]

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SLOVINGTON, TX—In a move to be more transparent about what time the church service actually starts, Grace Baptist Church has changed officially changed its listed service time from 10:30 a.m. to “Whenever You Feel Like Showing Up.” The change was made on the church’s website and street sign Sunday morning. “We’ll get started just as […]

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. . . finish reading BIG NEWS: A Babylon Bee book is coming.

NASHVILLE, TN—Saying they expect it to be one of their “most popular” items, LifeWay Christian Stores announced Monday they will release a new Bible with a special cover designed to resist the collection of dust. According to the company’s website, the cover’s patented DustAway technology will actively prevent dust from collecting on Bibles which have […]

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EMMETT, ID—According to sources close to self-described prophecy expert and King James Only pastor Pete Roland, it’s obvious that the man who claims he knows when Jesus is going to come back has clearly never once opened his Bible. The man recently set the date of the rapture as September 23, based on astronomical observations […]

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ROME, IT—A boutique coffee bar was discovered in ancient Roman catacombs where Christian groups would occasionally be forced to gather under threat of persecution in the first century, scholars working at a site in Rome confirmed Friday. While some scholars have cast doubt on whether worship services were regularly held in the labyrinthine underground network […]

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SEATTLE, WA—Miners working for Starbucks have confirmed an exciting discovery: vast swathes of pumpkin spice buried deep beneath the earth, just under the coffee company’s Seattle headquarters. The spice is thought to be deposited by giant, killer earthworms known to roam the rocks and dirt throughout the Pacific Northwest. The rare, mesmerizing substance reportedly glows […]

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