SEGUIN, TX—According to sources, Carl Sullivan recently attended a Catholic mass with his friend Carlos Garcia. Since the people at the church were native Spanish speakers, the priest prayed first in English, then in Spanish. After the Spanish prayer, Sullivan reflexively said, “Amen,” but quickly realized he had no idea what he’d signed on to.

The post Man Who Said “Amen” To Prayer Said In Spanish Not Sure What He Signed On To appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WEST POINT, NY—Army's football program has been winning games this year, but that record may be in danger as General Milley keeps sending copies of their playbook to their opponents. 

The post Army Football's Winning Record In Jeopardy As General Milley Keeps Giving Opponents Their Playbook appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

BROOKLYN, NY—After a weeks-long trial, R&B Singer R. Kelly has been found to be an evil abuser, guilty of the crimes of racketeering and sex trafficking while failing to be the son of the President.

The post R. Kelly Found Guilty Of Not Being President's Son appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—Local wife and mother Josefina Quedando made a bold claim Monday: that her $3.5 trillion shopping spree at Target would actually cost the family just $0. 

The post Wife Claims $3.5 Trillion Spending Spree At Target Actually Cost $0 appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SANTA MONICA, CA—Beloved Hollywood superstar and method actor Chris Pratt is preparing for the role of a lifetime, having recently been confirmed to voice Mario in the upcoming Super Mario Bros. movie. To do this, he is spending every morning jumping on turtles and eating entire handfuls of mushrooms. 

The post Method Acting: Chris Pratt Prepares For Mario Role By Jumping On Turtles, Eating Mushrooms appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PALM BEACH, FL—At a press conference held at the Mar-a-Lago Club today, former President Donald Trump finally acknowledged that he didn't win 2020 election by a massive landslide, and that he only won it by a normal, narrow margin.

The post Trump Finally Concedes He Only Won 2020 Election By A Small Margin appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

SYDNEY—Australian hospitals are bursting at the seams, having reached their breaking point after being flooded with patients during the pandemic. The Australians streaming into the hospitals don't have COVID, though, but instead are just bloodied and bruised from cops beating them up for not wearing masks, going outside for fresh air, and talking to other people.

The post Australian Hospitals Over Capacity With People Beaten By Police For Not Wearing Masks appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PALO ALTO, CA—According to sources, Tito Gourdwhack, CEO of WeebyHQ Software Solutions, is a very socially conscious business leader who prides himself on using his wealth and influence to make the world a better place, just like Google and Facebook.

The post Boss Warns All New Employees He Will Fire Them Immediately If People On Twitter Tell Him To appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden promoted his record-breaking $3.5 trillion spending bill today, telling Americans it will basically cost us nothing since China was kind enough to give him a brand new VISA card with a $3.5 trillion credit limit and a very low introductory rate.

The post Biden Says We Can Afford $3.5T Bill Because China Just Gave Him This Cool New Visa Card With A Low Introductory Rate appeared first on The Babylon Bee.