BERUIT — Following the death of their leader Hassan Nasrallah, members of the militant group Hezbollah asked the U.S. for advice on how to govern with a dead leader.

SAN BERNARDINO, CA — A McDonald's spokesman has gleefully confirmed that the burger giant's turnover rate is now no longer the highest in the world, as the recent, explosive spike in turnover at Hezbollah has officially put the terrorist organization well past McDonald's notorious 250%.

Christians, it's time for us to throw our full support behind Kamala Harris for president.

MESOPOTAMIA — Onlookers erupted in shouts of ridicule for a prominent local man, as apparent idiot Noah decided to build an ark when he could have just paid more taxes to stop climate change.

U.S. — What has been a rollercoaster of a season continued to generate controversy, as WNBA players accused fans across the country of yelling ugly racial slurs at them such as "Go Caitlin!" and other horrifying epithets showing support for rookie phenom Caitlin Clark.

U.S. — A source close to presidential running mate reveals Tim Walz is "very excited" for this week's Vice Presidential Debate after learning he might get spanked by JD Vance.

PORTLAND, OR — Sources close to Warming Hearts Therapy confirmed that Marc Vistus, a chronic narcissist who has been attending therapy sessions for the last 24 years, just asked his analyst how he managed to get so wrapped up in himself even though he spends multiple hours a week talking about himself.

JUWAFAT AL-KAFRAYN, JORDAN — Researchers in the Jordan River Valley say they've uncovered the first extra-Biblical evidence of John the Baptist with a completely intact pair of tighty whities.

RALEIGH, NC — As disaster response efforts ramped up following the devastation of Hurricane Helene, North Carolina announced it had agreed to purchase several Hunter Biden paintings in return for U.S. aid.

BERUIT — Following the death of their leader Hassan Nasrallah, members of the militant group Hezbollah asked the U.S. for advice on how to govern with a dead leader.