HEAVEN—A report from the throne room of the Most High God issued Monday indicated that the Lord is unsure how He's going to accomplish His eternal purposes if Republicans lose control of Congress in the upcoming US midterm elections.

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U.S.—Despite the countless examples of censorship and flagrant misuse of users’ personal data, along with the adverse intrapersonal and social effects, sources close to you confirmed Monday that you are still using Facebook, for some reason.

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U.S.—In a surprising study on the content of modern parenting, results show that on average, sixty percent of the job of a parent is taken up with locating kids' shoes.

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U.S.—After the heart-wrenchingly tragic and evil events Saturday in which a deranged anti-Semite opened fire in a busy synagogue during Shabbat services, murdering 11 and injuring more, multiple sources confirmed that citizens of the United States of America almost had a brief moment of solidarity and goodwill.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a special Republican convention convened over the weekend, the GOP named Hillary Clinton their official choice to run against Donald Trump in 2020.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump is under heavy criticism after announcing the deployment of thousands of troops to the United States-Mexico border, with critics slamming him for using the military for the bizarre purpose of defending the country.

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REINER, SD—Many evangelical churches put on "hell house" attractions, attempting to use the imagery of Halloween to scare children into the Kingdom, just like the Bible tells us to. But one local church may have taken things too far: First Baptist Church put on a spooky haunted house that was just two hours of church small talk.

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RADCLIFF, KY—Baptist couple Ken and Elizabeth Baker had a beautiful wedding ceremony over the weekend, complete with the cutting of the cake, moving speeches and toasts, and the couple's first awkward sway on the dance floor.

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U.S.—It is a contentious time in this country, with a sharp partisan divide and extremists committing acts of violence, but a number of people have stumbled upon what they think could be the answer: lots of yelling at each other.

The post Report: Lots Of Yelling At Each Other Expected To Fix Things Any Day Now appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—In a recent report by the federal government released Friday, the increasingly divided nation was found to have only one thing left in common: enjoying videos in which people fall off things, get hit with a ball or errant baseball bat, or attempt dangerous stunts that end in injury.

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