I cannot believe democracy is about to die in America, again.

LANSING, MI — Mr. Charles Reginald celebrated his 40th birthday in style today, cracking open a finely aged, single malt bottle of Advil.

NORTH KOREA — Through diplomatic channels, America has offered for Kim Jong-Un to test out his nuclear arsenal at the next Astros-Phillies World Series game.

SAN JOSE, CA — Roku has become a popular software platform, with more and more smart TVs incorporating its streaming services. But the Silicon Valley tech company recently recognized a major problem: only 62% of users reported losing a Roku remote immediately after setting it down on the couch or bed. To increase these "rookie numbers," engineers began researching ways to make their remotes even more impossible to find.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Elon Musk acquiring Twitter, many heartbroken Leftists expressed concern they may soon have to resort to just not reading tweets they don't like.

TUSCALOOSA, AL — According to sources close to local man Greg Bernard, the construction sales representative, husband, and father of five often makes cracks about how emotional and moody his wife is, despite the fact that he himself is only happy if his favorite sportsball team scores more points than the other sportsball team on that particular weekend.

LOS ANGELES, CA — After being dropped by Adidas and several other lucrative sponsors for controversial comments about the Jews, Kanye West has desperately been looking for other companies who might be willing to sponsor him. This morning he announced he has struck a deal with Crocs footwear.

U.S. — Babylon Bee writers are scrambling to come up with a last-minute new joke worth the $44 billion Elon Musk spent to bring the satirists back on Twitter.

Despite the fact that Americans view at least 327 prescription drug ads per day, we don't seem to be very healthy! We at The Babylon Bee consulted our trusted panel of medical experts and Reddit to come up with some of the best home remedies for whatever ails you!

Greetings, Babylon Bee readers. You may or may not be aware of the case of Novak v. City of Parma, Ohio. A quick rundown for the layperson: Mr. Anthony Novak was temporarily jailed for creating a parody Facebook page of his local police department. He has thus far been unsuccessful in suing for damages, as the courts have ruled the police have qualified immunity, and so is asking SCOTUS to review the case.