U.S. — A special edition of the Amazon Echo was announced today featuring a brand new "Kamalexa" A.I. voice. Based on current Vice President Kamala Harris, the smart device responds to your questions in long, incoherent sentences, and is explicitly programmed to never actually give you any answers.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a last-ditch attempt to keep him occupied and out of trouble until after the election, White House aides have reportedly given Biden a tablet to watch "Cocomelon" and a carton of Goldfish.

If you're a regular American who heard President Joe Biden refer to a huge swathe of the population as "garbage" the other day, you may be wondering to yourself: "Am I a garbage?"

NEW YORK, NY — The 2024 Major League Baseball season ended in historic fashion, as the New York Yankees successfully defeated the New York Yankees in the World Series.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Out of an abundance of caution, the White House confirmed Thursday that President Joe Biden had been fitted with a muzzle to prevent him from biting any more babies. This comes one day after a bizarre incident in which the president bit several babies at a White House Halloween event.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A pair of local parents were in for a shock Halloween night after discovering a stray piece of candy in their child's bag of needles.

NASHVILLE, TN — Matt Walsh vehemently denied allegations of smiling earlier this week after several Daily Wire whistleblowers came forward.

ST. PAUL, MN — Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz disappointed trick-or-treaters at his door this year by handing them tampons instead of the traditional candy.

U.S. — In a huge boost for the Trump campaign coming into the final week, garbage bag company Hefty announced they will officially be endorsing former President Trump.

With the final push to the election underway, former President Trump has taken a slight lead in the polls -- but his fundraising trails Vice President Harris by $600 million. Yikes! To close the gap, Trump unveiled nine brilliant, foolproof fundraising ideas guaranteed to level the field: