DAYTON, OH — A grown, adult male generally regarded as mentally sound pinned his entire emotional well-being for the next three days on a teenager who lives a thousand miles away kicking an oblong ball between sticks.

NORFOLK, VA — Local man Jason Thompson pondered heavily this morning whether to burn his eyeballs with an old car cigarette lighter or to watch Love, Actually.

CHICAGO, IL — Consumers across America were shocked and elated to land huge deals after finding out Dyson vacuums would be briefly on sale for the low, low price of just $7000 this Black Friday.

LOS ANGELES, CA — It's official, the 2025 Major League Baseball season is over and the Los Angeles Dodgers have been preemptively declared World Series Champions for the foreseeable future after all other teams were forced to forfeit due to the Dodgers signing every baseball player currently in existence to a collective 30-year, $400 trillion contract.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to join in on low Black Friday prices, excited lobbyists were seen lining up outside the U.S. Capitol to get early bird deals on all congressmen.

CHICAGO, IL — Consumers across America were shocked and elated to land huge deals after finding out Dyson vacuums would be briefly on sale for the low, low price of just $7000 this Black Friday.

LOS ANGELES, CA — It's official, the 2025 Major League Baseball season is over and the Los Angeles Dodgers have been preemptively declared World Series Champions for the foreseeable future after all other teams were forced to forfeit due to the Dodgers signing every baseball player currently in existence to a collective 30-year, $400 trillion contract.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to join in on low Black Friday prices, excited lobbyists were seen lining up outside the U.S. Capitol to get early bird deals on all congressmen.

Alcoholism is a dangerous condition affecting millions across the United States each and every year, from the poorest among us to even very powerful government officials. It's important to know when you have a problem so you can seek the help you need. Here are nine signs to look for when determining if you are an alcoholic:

GREEN VALLEY LAKE, CA — Local man Landon Collings, 45, heroically volunteered to do the most important part of Thanksgiving meal preparations this year: staying out of the kitchen so his wife, Carla, could actually get things done.