NEW YORK, NY—Ghislaine Maxwell has been convicted on 5 counts related to sex crimes committed against minors for over a decade. A few minutes after her conviction, she announced she has landed a brand-new job at CNN.

The post After Conviction For Sex Crimes, Ghislaine Maxwell Announces New Job At CNN appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—After a jury found Ghislaine Maxwell guilty on five counts in her sex trafficking trial, Maxwell's sentence was quickly handed down: ten minutes unsupervised in a room with Hillary Clinton.

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U.S.—Following news reports that another 2,800 flights had been canceled on Tuesday—after more than 6,000 were canceled on Christmas Eve and thousands more over the weekend—spokespersons for numerous airlines came forward to protest that flights are not being canceled at all.
 
“When a flight doesn’t take off due to problematic crew shortages, that is not cancellation,” Delta said in a statement. “It is merely the airline holding that flight accountable.”
 
A United spokesperson stated, “Flight cancellation simply isn’t real. The whole concept is a smokescreen to distract from actual systemic forces of flight suppression.” When asked what, exactly, that means, the spokesperson explained that none of these flights are banned from flying again. "These flights will have plenty of work in the future, as long as they get hired by The Daily Wire."
 
Passengers who had been stranded at San Francisco International Airport for over twelve hours are now being urged to "build their own" aircraft. 

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U.S.—According to a poll conducted by the Pew Research Center, Americans' attitudes toward Dr. Fauci are changing. In a sample of 50,000 respondents, 5% of Americans believe Fauci to be a hero of science, 3% see him as an essential voice for COVID preparedness, and 90% support loading him into a medieval-style catapult and tossing him into an active volcano.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources, Biden is just kicking himself after looking at his to-do list for 2021 and realizing he forgot to shut down the virus. 

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WORLD—In a genius marketing move, the common cold has rebranded itself as ‘Omicron’ to garner some of that sweet coronavirus attention.

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SEATTLE—Edmina Romanov fasted all day so she wouldn’t have to worry about calories at her friend’s Communist-themed party, but it was all for naught because no food was offered at the authentic commie get-together.

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