Police shootings are a major problem in this country. We know this because everyone says so. Why can't police just stop using their guns? We'll tell you why: because they haven't heard about these 7 much better options, that's why!

The post 7 Non-Lethal Alternatives For Police To Use Instead Of Guns appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

US — Following Derek Chauvin’s guilty verdict on all 3 counts, riots have been called off across the country. Some freedom fighters have been frustrated by this as they had their eyes on some specific merchandise they wanted to liberate. 

The post Frustrated Looter Has To Wait Until The Next National Outrage To Liberate A TV appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—With the U.S. economy headed towards another recession and the government borrowing and spending money by the trillions, many Americans are concerned about their financial futures. In light of this, experts are saying the best way you can protect your family's future is to invent a time machine and buy Bitcoin.

The post Financial Experts Recommend Inventing Time Machine, Going Back To 2009 And Telling Yourself To Buy Bitcoin appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation's white fathers recently learned about the rampant issues of racial injustice facing people of color in this nation. When they heard that people were going to get free sneakers to help justice or whatever, the fathers immediately jumped on board to score their own pairs of sneakers.

The post In Name Of Social Justice, Nation's Fathers Loot New Balance Stores appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—CNN's Brian Stelter has introduced a brand new segment of his show where he will discuss all the horrible things Trump would have tweeted if he hadn't been kicked off of Twitter.

The post CNN Introduces Segment Where They Rant About What Trump Would Have Tweeted If He Hadn't Gotten Kicked Off Of Twitter appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—BLM organizers celebrated the verdict of the Chauvin trial this week. In a touching and healing gesture, they have offered to rebuild the wreckage of Minneapolis and return all looted items back to their owners.

The post After Chauvin Verdict, BLM Volunteers To Rebuild Minneapolis, Return All Looted Items appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a somber address on Tuesday, Nancy Pelosi thanked millions of aborted babies for sacrificing their lives for women's rights.  

The post Pelosi Thanks Millions Of Babies For Sacrificing Their Lives For Women's Rights appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—After Derek Chauvin was found guilty on all three counts, the crowds outside the courthouse breathed a sigh of relief and began to celebrate.

The post BLM Founder Reminds Everyone Justice Won't Fully Be Served Until She Can Buy A 5th House appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—After hours of sequestered deliberation, the jury in the Derek Chauvin trial has reached a decision. Before that, however, they will be each reading their last wills to ensure their affairs are in order before giving the verdict. 

The post Jurors To Read Their Final Wills Before Giving Verdict appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—As deliberations begin in the trial of Derek Chauvin, legal experts are saying there is a 50% chance he will be convicted and a 100% chance that Minneapolis will burn to the ground.

The post Legal Experts Predict 50% Chance Of Conviction, 100% Chance Of Minneapolis Burning To The Ground appeared first on The Babylon Bee.