Golden Rule, Beatitudes among sections deemed incompatible with GOP agenda 

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter

  One week into the 50th Legislative Session, House Republicans have forced through a bill that would amend the New Testament of the Holy Bible. Rep. John Trebilcock, R-Broken Arrow, said the changes were necessary to remove certain contradictions with orthodox GOP ideology. 

  “Clearly, it’s embarrassing that so many aspects of our platform are opposed to key Christian principles. Saturated as we are in Social Darwinist special-interest money, we feel it would be easier and more efficient to simply amend the Bible” said Trebilcock. 

  Among the passages to be edited is Matthew 7:1, commonly referred to as “The Golden Rule.” Traditionally, this verse admonishes readers to treat others as they would like to be treated. However, under the Republican package, the line would be modified to specifically exclude homosexuals.

“This is America. (Homosexuals) can do whatever they want in their own homes,” said Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa, who will carry the bill in the Senate. “However, once they try to get me to treat them with the same dignity and respect that I would expect myself, then we have a problem.”

Williamson says another troublesome section is Matthew 5:1-12, also known as “The Beatitudes.” In these brief sayings, Jesus comforts people who would be omitted from Republican proposals, such as the poor, the sick and the meek. 

  Under the republican amendments, “Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill” has been changed to, “Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice, up until $300,000, for thine Legislative Leaders have not agreed to any ‘moratorium’ on tort reform, and plan to make the issue a major component of our platform in the upcoming session.“ 

  Trebilcock said that, in future legislation, Republicans would move to Old Testament revision, seeking to expand the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah to cover liberal voters

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

I’m Batman,’ says Senate President Pro Tempore

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) - Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson apologized to the Democratic caucus this week, saying that his frequent absences were due to his moonlighting as a caped crusader. “I don’t know how else to say this,” said Hobson, D-Lexington. “I’m Batman.”

  Democratic senators have been critical of Hobson’s performance this year, and some have asked the lawmaker to step aside. However, up until a recent caucus meeting, the Legislature was unaware of the Pro Tem’s secret identity.

  Democratic caucus chair Sen. Kenneth Corn, D-Howe, said the group would need time to process this new information. “With great power comes great responsibility,” said Corn. “We understand that (Hobson) knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men. However, the failure of Governor Henry’s tort reform proposal to win a hearing has led us to believe we need a leader with more time to dedicate to the legislative process.”

  Following the caucus meeting, Hobson said he would abide by the decision of his colleagues, before dropping a smoke bomb on the group and exiting the Capitol via grappling hook. 

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Citing the need “to get some work done around here,” Department of Finance Director Scott Meacham put Gov. Brad Henry in time-out Wednesday.

   “I’m just frustrated right now,” Meacham said of the action. “I’m trying to broker delicate deals between tobacco retailers, tribes, horse racers and others, and he’s jumping up and down bugging me to take him to Sonic. I didn’t want to bring him to work with me, but Susan (Meacham’s wife) had to go out of town and so now he’s following me around the Capitol.” Meachum put Henry in time-out for 20 minutes while he worked on gathering support for legislation that would raise the sales tax on tobacco.

  “I feel a little guilty about it,” Meacham said, “but I really needed to concentrate. I’ve got a job to do here and, if I let him run around this place, he’d just end up giving a press conference or something.”

 Meacham said that, to make it up to the governor, he would take him to Sonic after work.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Rural lawmakers have announced an agreement to sell their souls in exchange for farm subsidies. Under the terms of the deal, farm subsidies would be purchased from House leadership in exchange for the core principles of the Democratic Party.

  Rep. Wed Hilliard, D-Sulphur, said it made sense for the group to jettison excess baggage. “As Oklahoma Democrats grow more conservative, we find our liberal ideals aren’t being used,” Hilliard said. “Since they’re just gathering dust, we have no problem getting rid of them in exchange for sweet, sweet farm subsidies.” “Mmmm… Farm subsidies,” said Rep. R.C. Pruett, D-Antlers.

   Speaker of the House Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, said he is delighted with the deal.

 “Working with conservative Democrats, I was able to purchase several core values that had blocked meaningful workers comp reform for the state of Oklahoma. With these principles out of the way, it was much easier to push through tort reform as well.”

   While the process had widespread support in the House, several Senate Democrats have expressed concern. Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, is calling for a task force to investigate rural lawmakers addiction to farm subsidies. 

“Certainly, it appears that farm subsidy addiction is on the rise among Democrats,”

 said Monson. “We want to get these lawmakers into treatment, to break this vicious cycle. No one should have to sell their souls in exchange for government handouts.”

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

 OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Sen. Kenneth Corn, D-Poteau, announced his resignation Wednesday in order to pursue a vacant seat in his high school’s student council. 

“I feel that my experience in state government has given me the skills necessary to accomplish meaningful change for the students of Howe High School.” 

Corn said that, if elected, he would work on getting a Coke machine in the senior cafeteria and maybe moving the prom to an off-campus location.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

That shocked and expressionless zombie apocalypse-look is getting quite fashionable in political circles.

While most of the geriatric peacocks claim not to even know what Botox is, we all can spot those with a needle addiction from all the way across the caucus rooms.

Other stories we’re working on for next press date (if the wild rumors are even close to ‘plausible’)..

– Senate fails SB 666 on general principle 

– Warning: In case of Rapture, House will be unmanned 

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – State lawmakers admitted Tuesday that they had no idea who amended HB 2355, regarding performance awards issued by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. 

The amendment added a new paragraph to the first section of the bill. As apparently approved, the paragraph reads “Metallica rules.” Rep. Lucky Lamons, D-Tulsa, author of the legislation, says he isn’t sure when the amendment was added. “It might have been in the Appropriations Subcommittee on Public Safety,” he said, “but I really don’t remember.” 

  Committee Chair Sen. Dick Wilkerson, D-Atwood, conceded that the amendment could have been approved during the meeting. “It was getting late, and I wanted to get home and watch ‘Survivor,’ so I think we pretty much approved everything on the table and went home.” House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville wasted no time attacking the legislation. 

“This is typical of the Democrats ‘bait-and-switch’ policies,” 

he said. “They did the same thing with tort reform and worker’s compensation.” Legislators have declined to repeal the amendment. “I don’t think it’s hurting anything,” said Lamons, “and besides, none of us are sure what a ‘Metallica’ is.” Under other provisions outlined in the bill, the ruling status of Metallica will be enforced by OSBI and the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics.

oklahomapartisan:

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (FU) - Last week, House staffers admitted that they were disconcerted by Rep. Thad Balkman’s shrine to former president Ronald Reagan. 

  “It’s a little creepy,” conceded a committee staffer, speaking only on the condition of anonymity.

 "I mean, it takes up half of his office, and the incense gets a little strong sometimes.“

 Balkman has authored House Joint Resolution 1001, “recognizing and declaring Ronald Reagan Day… declaring an emergency.” The bill was a scaled-back version of his original bill, which would have made Reagan the official mascot of Oklahoma.

Rep. Thad Balkman 

  The bill has some opposition in the Democratic-controlled Senate, but Republicans are planning on screaming “Hillary Clinton-lovers!” until dissent is squelched.

   Having fixed all of the state’s other socioeconomic problems, Balkman said it was crucial to recognize that Reagan was the only U.S. President who never made a mistake… ever. He also plans on authorizing companion legislation later this year, declaring former president Bill Clinton an enemy of the state.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

– Robert’s Rules of Order to be replaced by Wu-Tang style
– Legislation involving beer, horses isn’t as cool as you’d think
– Legislature considers razing Capitol Dome, building another damn Walgreens
– OSU Final Four loss somehow blamed on Carroll Fisher
– To speed up legislative process, governor issued two hands, flashlight
– Term-limited lawmakers no longer bothering to put on pants
– Guthrie mobilizing National Guard in bid to retake state capitol
– Yep, House Staffer has done it there too
– The gay marriage ban: Could it destroy the Mathis Brothers? 

We’ll continue publishing when we get our halloween costumes figured out.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Brad Edwards, In Our Corner

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A metropolitan-area lawmaker has authored legislation to get KFOR newscaster Brad Edwards out of our corner, where he has been for over 10 years. 

Sen. Cliff Branan, R-Oklahoma City, said it was time for Edwards to move on. 

“People are coming come from work, flipping on the lights, and Brad is just standing there, It’s creepy.” 

said Branan.

   KFOR producer David Bennent defended Edwards’ history of being in our corner. “Brad Edwards has always defended the people of Oklahoma, everything from poor hygiene at fast food restaurants or home remodeling gone wrong,” said Bennent.

 “He needs to be in your corner to do that, and he promises he won’t disturb your ficus plant.” Branan said he acknowledges Edwards’ work on behalf of Oklahoma consumers. However, he questioned why the newscaster felt compelled to stand in the corner. 

“People have reported him rocking back and forth, mumbling that he’s been a very naughty boy,”

 said Branan. “What’s up with that?” Under Branan’s legislation, Edwards would be forced out of our corner. He would be to stand along our wall, or within our closet.