The Partisan

Senate Health committee Certifies Beastie Boys Oklahomas Most Ill

5/31/2021

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – The Senate Health and Human Resources committee met last week to certify popular hip-hop group The Beastie Boys as Oklahoma’s “illest.” Michael Crutcher, head of the Oklahoma State Department of Health, asked for official recognition of the Boys’ illness.

“As we have known for some time, they got the ill communication,” said Crutcher,

“It is important to acknowledge that the group is, in fact, ‘licensed’ to ill.”

Committee Chair Bernest Cain, D-Oklahoma City, questioned Crutcher as to the qualifications of the Boyz from Brooklyn.

“While it is clear to me that the Beastie Boys rock the hizouse, would you also say that they got the skillz to pay the billz?”

Cain asked.

“Word up,” said Crutcher. The bill cleared the committee unanimously, following a brief pause to raise da roof.

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Coburn MacGyver Team Up To Defuse Social Security Time Bomb

5/30/2021

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Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts

Tom Coburn and MacGyver saved the
nation from a Social Security Nighmare.
Afterwards, the studly duo vowed to
take on North Korea.

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter

WASHINGTON (OP) – Our nation’s chief executive breathed a little easier last night, as Senator Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma, and MacGyver, Troubleshooter Extraordinaire, defused America’s ticking time bomb, the Social Security System. “Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to Coburn and MacGyver,” said President George W. Bush.

As the president, vice-president, and several agency officials have repeatedly told the American press, Social Security was in danger of exploding unless private accounts were immediately installed.

However, while the danger was as clear and present as weapons of mass destruction, there was Congressional resistance to drastically overhauling the federal program. Shrieking, weak-kneed liberals were convincing some of the more cowardly Republicans to do nothing, and allow the bomb to keep ticking.

Nonetheless, conservative crusader Coburn was committed to the destruction of the system, and he knew just the person to call.

Angus MacGyver is a free-lance adventurer for the Phoenix Foundation, most active in southern California during the 1985-92 television seasons. He had worked with Coburn for a time while fighting against Homicide International Trust.

At a press conference last week, Coburn and MacGyver detailed how they discovered the problem while adventuring together in the Arbuckle Mountains.

At the time, they had access to only a few common household objects: a paper clip, a rubber band and 24,601 ways to cut vital social services in order to fund private investment accounts.

On the scene, Coburn used his skills as a politician and physician to brew up a smokescreen using workers compensation reform and hefty imitations on malpractice lawsuits. This shielded the duo from public oversight, giving MacGyver time to yank out the Social Security safety net and replace it with privatized accounts created out of a rubber band and a fistful of Wal-Mart coupons.

On Monday, Coburn and MacGyver were presented with the Congressional Medal of Honor, but the maverick lawmaker declined the honor.

“Just doing my job,”

said Coburn, flashing the “thumbs up” sign.

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Developing: Kris Steele Is Not An 'Adult Film' Actor

5/29/2021

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Rep. Kris Steele

We’re still working on these breaking headlines:

– Jay Parmley booted for endorsing actual Democrat to lead national party
– Despite awesome name, Kris Steele isn’t a porn star

We’re sorry for the delays, but good journalism requires a commitment to the facts.

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Partisan NetWatch: www.BubbaWorld.com

5/28/2021

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Partisan NetWatch: www.bubbaworld.com

Cruise on over to

“Oklahoma: The Way it Really Is.”

Read about our state’s struggles with

cockfighting,
meth,
divorce,
teen pregnancy,
gay marriage
and more.

Them, in 500 words or less, explain how all of these problems could be solved by reforming Oklahoma’s workers compensation system.

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Hiett Irritated That Governor Has Apparently Grown a Pair

5/27/2021

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OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to sources within the House of Representatives, House Speaker Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, is dismayed that Gov. Brad Henry has grown a pair of brass round ones.

“I’m not pleased with it,” said Hiett.

Upon the GOP takeover of the Oklahoma Legislature in the November elections, Republicans were expected to whip out their legislation in the face of astonished Democrats. At the time, Henry was expected to offer feeble counter proposals, including “EDGEpalooza 2005: Reaching for Excellence and Rubbing It all over our Bodies.”

However, the passage of lottery and cigarette tax measures has prompted a swelling in Henry’s package, and he has mobilized his mass of confidence to pre-empt Republican legislation. Last week, Henry was seen whipping out his massive prescription drug plan at a press conference.

“You think you can roll with the big boy? Bring it on!”

said Henry.

No sooner has Republicans debuted their tort reform plans then Henry slapped them upside the head with a “Tax Rebate, OCAST investment” package. School consolidation and workers comp reforms were blocked by a higher education bond issue and a sweet slice of worker’s safety measures.

Despite early opposition by Henry’s developing spine, Hiett says Republicans will chip away at the governor over the course of the session. “Clearly, the governor’s sizable package has presented an unexpected obstacle to our legislation” said Hiett. However, the Speaker said that he is no stranger to ball breaking. Hiett most recently broke the traditional Speaker’s Ball by banning alcohol from the event.

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Republicans Amend Bible To Remove Inconvenient Passages

5/27/2021

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Golden Rule, Beatitudes among sections deemed incompatible with GOP agenda

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter

One week into the 50th Legislative Session, House Republicans have forced through a bill that would amend the New Testament of the Holy Bible. Rep. John Trebilcock, R-Broken Arrow, said the changes were necessary to remove certain contradictions with orthodox GOP ideology.

“Clearly, it’s embarrassing that so many aspects of our platform are opposed to key Christian principles. Saturated as we are in Social Darwinist special-interest money, we feel it would be easier and more efficient to simply amend the Bible” said Trebilcock.

Among the passages to be edited is Matthew 7:1, commonly referred to as “The Golden Rule.” Traditionally, this verse admonishes readers to treat others as they would like to be treated. However, under the Republican package, the line would be modified to specifically exclude homosexuals.

“This is America. (Homosexuals) can do whatever they want in their own homes,” said Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa, who will carry the bill in the Senate. “However, once they try to get me to treat them with the same dignity and respect that I would expect myself, then we have a problem.”

Williamson says another troublesome section is Matthew 5:1-12, also known as “The Beatitudes.” In these brief sayings, Jesus comforts people who would be omitted from Republican proposals, such as the poor, the sick and the meek.

Under the republican amendments, “Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill” has been changed to, “Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice, up until $300,000, for thine Legislative Leaders have not agreed to any ‘moratorium’ on tort reform, and plan to make the issue a major component of our platform in the upcoming session."

Trebilcock said that, in future legislation, Republicans would move to Old Testament revision, seeking to expand the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah to cover liberal voters

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The Oklahoma Partisan

In 2004 & 2005, an anonymous group of journalist/artists compiled a library of what then was contemporary humor surrounding Oklahoma state government. Sadly the venture only lasted a couple years. But the Oklahoma Partisan was a gem of political comedy.
Today most of these characters of focus are no longer in the public arena. But the levity provided at their expense served to help the closely divided legislature to laugh at their colleagues. The truly humble among them even laughed when the joke was on them.

Senate Health committee Certifies Beastie Boys Oklahomas Most Ill

“It is important to acknowledge that the group is, in fact, ‘licensed’ to ill.”

“While it is clear to me that the Beastie Boys rock the hizouse, would you also say that they got the skillz to pay the billz?”

Coburn MacGyver Team Up To Defuse Social Security Time Bomb

Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts

Developing: Kris Steele Is Not An 'Adult Film' Actor

Partisan NetWatch: www.BubbaWorld.com

“Oklahoma: The Way it Really Is.”

Hiett Irritated That Governor Has Apparently Grown a Pair

“I’m not pleased with it,” said Hiett.

“You think you can roll with the big boy? Bring it on!”

Republicans Amend Bible To Remove Inconvenient Passages

Golden Rule, Beatitudes among sections deemed incompatible with GOP agenda

The Oklahoma Partisan

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