oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

 Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts 

Tom Coburn and MacGyver saved the nation from a Social Security Nighmare.  Afterwards, the studly duo vowed to take on North Korea.

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  WASHINGTON (OP) – Our nation’s chief executive breathed a little easier last night, as Senator Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma, and MacGyver, Troubleshooter Extraordinaire, defused America’s ticking time bomb, the Social Security System. “Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to Coburn and MacGyver,” said President George W. Bush. 

  As the president, vice-president, and several agency officials have repeatedly told the American press, Social Security was in danger of exploding unless private accounts were immediately installed. 

  However, while the danger was as clear and present as weapons of mass destruction, there was Congressional resistance to drastically overhauling the federal program. Shrieking, weak-kneed liberals were convincing some of the more cowardly Republicans to do nothing, and allow the bomb to keep ticking. 

  Nonetheless, conservative crusader Coburn was committed to the destruction of the system, and he knew just the person to call.

Angus MacGyver is a free-lance adventurer for the Phoenix Foundation, most active in southern California during the 1985-92 television seasons. He had worked with Coburn for a time while fighting against Homicide International Trust. 

  At a press conference last week, Coburn and MacGyver detailed how they discovered the problem while adventuring together in the Arbuckle Mountains.

  At the time, they had access to only a few common household objects: a paper clip, a rubber band and 24,601 ways to cut vital social services in order to fund private investment accounts.

  On the scene, Coburn used his skills as a politician and physician to brew up a smokescreen using workers compensation reform and hefty imitations on malpractice lawsuits. This shielded the duo from public oversight, giving MacGyver time to yank out the Social Security safety net and replace it with privatized accounts created out of a rubber band and a fistful of Wal-Mart coupons.

   On Monday, Coburn and MacGyver were presented with the Congressional Medal of Honor, but the maverick lawmaker declined the honor.

 “Just doing my job,” 

said Coburn, flashing the “thumbs up” sign.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – The Senate Health and Human Resources committee met last week to certify popular hip-hop group The Beastie Boys as Oklahoma’s “illest.” Michael Crutcher, head of the Oklahoma State Department of Health, asked for official recognition of the Boys’ illness. 

“As we have known for some time, they got the ill communication,” said Crutcher, 

“It is important to acknowledge that the group is, in fact, ‘licensed’ to ill.” 

Committee Chair Bernest Cain, D-Oklahoma City, questioned Crutcher as to the qualifications of the Boyz from Brooklyn. 

“While it is clear to me that the Beastie Boys rock the hizouse, would you also say that they got the skillz to pay the billz?”

 Cain asked. 

“Word up,” said Crutcher. The bill cleared the committee unanimously, following a brief pause to raise da roof.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

  Profiling patriotism on the roadways is an essential tool for increasing driver competence. We all know that God & Country haters are generally too incompetent to drive safely, so we feel totally justified by the otherwise virtue-signaling collection of oversized refrigerator magnets and vinyl clutter.

Other headlines we’re pursuing;

• – Stoned lawmaker votes to order pizza
• – Bill Graves checks watch, resumes waiting for Rapture 
• – RIP: Hunter S. Thompson 1937 - 2005 

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – An Oklahoma City-based restaurant chain is asking the state legislature to legalize marijuana, noting that habitual users of the drug find the company’s products “hella-tasty.” Sonic, which bills itself as “America’s Drive-In,” serves up hamburgers and hotdogs in hundreds of locations around the country. 

  Executives say the company’s products are especially popular among those with “the munchies,” a side effect of marijuana intoxication. In a presentation before the House Business and Economic Development Committee, Sonic executives said statewide legalization of the drug would boost sales throughout the industry, from McNuggets to Taco Mayo’s “bitchin’” potato locos.

  In a recent study, Sonic customers who did not use marijuana rated their food from “fair” to “excellent.” However, users with the munchies said the same products were “friggin’ awesome dude.” Habitual marijuana users, also known as “stoners,” are also less concerned with customer service. They also have little use for napkins, straws and correct change.

   According to Sonic estimates, stoners currently comprise only 10 percent of the company’s customers, yet account for 40 percent of sales. They also form 70 percent of the company’s workforce, primarily line cooks and night managers. Last year, Sonic was believed to donate millions in campaign contributions. An exact amount was unavailable, however, since much of the special interest money was covered in chili and cheese.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

The House Sergeant-at-Arms found this note crumpled up in the House Gallery, after a ‘Queer Nation’ group attended the House floor session on Valentine’s Day. 

It proved to be the ‘smoking gun’ that Sally Kern suspected all along.

Other stories in our  tipline:

– Seeking to lower drug costs, state stoners asking to re-import pot from Canada 

– Commissioners say new e-bribe system will speed up county operations 

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

By Henry Johnston, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  A Tulsa legislator burst into flames last week during debate on legislation that would nullify job protection for homosexuals. Roger Williams, a spokesman for the state fire marshal, said Rep. Daniel Sullivan, R-Tulsa, ignited following an accidental exposure to logic.

 “It appears that Sullivan’s temperature rose rapidly during debate of HB 1756. We suspect that the heat may be have been released due to a sudden collapse in the integrity of the lawmaker’s reasoning,” 

  Williams said. At the time of the ignition, Williams had just explained that the bill “was not discrimination, from my point of view.” He said that the bill actually supported equal rights, by denying “special rights” for homosexuals. 

  At this point, authorities suspect the argument collapsed from within. The invocation of “special rights” jargon collided head-on with the numerous rights that are “special” to heterosexuals, most notably the right to marry in a civil ceremony.
“For the lawmaker to argue in favor of equality, he would have had to support gay marriage. Unfortunately, empirical evidence suggests that Sullivan does not support any recognition of homosexual unions, and therefore believes in ‘special rights’ for heterosexuals,” said Williams. “This damaged the credibility of the source, making it especially easy for logic to enter the argument.”

   Normally, Williams said, such bills are encased in a layer of homophobia, which protects them from exposure to common sense. Williams said that, in his haste to pander, Sullivan had forgotten to stress how homosexuals were the single greatest threat to Oklahomans’ way of life. “Had Sullivan couched his arguments in more hysterical, reactionary terms, it would have been impossible for logic to enter the room,” said Williams. “Unfortunately, outside observers were able to see that HB 1746 didn’t create any jobs, lower any taxes, or in any way raise anyone’s quality of life.”

  In addition, Williams said Sullivan’s arguments were weakened by their inability to be reconciled with Republican political theory. This left his reasoning especially flammable.

 “The Republican platform favors smaller centralized government and more local control. By denying county and municipal governments the ability to determine their own policies, (Sullivan) was in complete contradiction with the foundation of his party.” 

  Had the lawmaker put forth a position consistent with this platform, he might have been able to survive an analytical assault, Williams explained. Some have theorized that Sullivan’s reasoning was so self-contradictory that the inherent paradoxes actually ripped a hole in the fabric of space. “Traditionally, it was the Oklahoma Democrats that favored these types of policies,” said Jim Wiley, associate professor of history and quantum physics at the University of Oklahoma.

 “Seeing an Oklahoma Republican propose the bill might have been more than the time-space continuum could bear.” In any case, authorities are urging caution as the bill advances to the Senate. Williams and Wiley both suggested that lawmakers place the bill aside until it can be supported with something more than paranoid ranting.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

The Native American calumet adorns the state flag, a symbol of goodwill and peace.  A similar pipe designed for smoking marijuana. For generations, Oklahoma high- school students have snickered about the possible connection between “peace,” “goodwill” and being totally stoned, dude.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 

According to classmates, an Oklahoma City 9th-grader honestly believes he is the first person to notice that a state symbol could be connected with the use of recreational drugs.

   Witnesses say that Karl Andrews, 15, first made the observation during his Oklahoma history class. 

“Dude, I bet they totally smoked pot in that,”

 said Andrews. The peace pipe, or calumet, is a traditional Native American sign. Along with the olive branch, it is a key component of the state flag.

   For years, Oklahoma teenagers have made the connection between “peace” and the euphoria resulting from the use of marijuana. In every case, students believe they are the first person in the history of the state to notice this. However, local historians suspect that the connection has been made hundreds of times since statehood.

 “Okay yeah, I guess you could smoke pot out of it,”

 said frustrated high school history teacher Burke Warner. “We said the same thing when I was a kid, and it was funny for about ten minutes. Can we move on please?” Education officials estimate that 30 minutes of class time is lost per year due to students’ snickering over the possible connection between state history and marijuana.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Fight'n words can get very caustic and provoking. Such is the nature of interactions with some coffee-binging radicals at the capitol.

  Our crack reporting team is working feverishly to get the scoop on these stories…

• – Smaligo, Toure to settle differences in steel cage match
• – Liberal activist judges rule ‘Right to Party’ inalienable

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republicans were shocked to learn that one of their own, Rep. Tad Jones, R-Claremore, had previously fronted 90’s shock-rock band Marilyn Manson. In his rock-and-roll heyday, Manson was renown for his satanic imagery and explicit lyrics.

  The star fell from prominence in the late 90s, the victim of post-Columbine fallout and overshadowed by the rise of such provocative acts as Eminem and Creed.

 Changing his name to Tad Jones, “the most boyish, innocent-sounding name I could think of,” Manson was elected to the District 9 seat in 1998. As a performer, Manson was renown for his on-stage antics, including stunts featuring goats’ blood, blow-up dolls and strap-on dildos.

  As the House minority whip, Jones has authored legislation regarding school district elections and the use of golf carts on city streets. He says his day as the quasi-satanic musician are behind him, though he may still cover himself in blood during House debate.