oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Rural lawmakers have announced an agreement to sell their souls in exchange for farm subsidies. Under the terms of the deal, farm subsidies would be purchased from House leadership in exchange for the core principles of the Democratic Party.

  Rep. Wed Hilliard, D-Sulphur, said it made sense for the group to jettison excess baggage. “As Oklahoma Democrats grow more conservative, we find our liberal ideals aren’t being used,” Hilliard said. “Since they’re just gathering dust, we have no problem getting rid of them in exchange for sweet, sweet farm subsidies.” “Mmmm… Farm subsidies,” said Rep. R.C. Pruett, D-Antlers.

   Speaker of the House Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, said he is delighted with the deal.

 “Working with conservative Democrats, I was able to purchase several core values that had blocked meaningful workers comp reform for the state of Oklahoma. With these principles out of the way, it was much easier to push through tort reform as well.”

   While the process had widespread support in the House, several Senate Democrats have expressed concern. Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, is calling for a task force to investigate rural lawmakers addiction to farm subsidies. 

“Certainly, it appears that farm subsidy addiction is on the rise among Democrats,”

 said Monson. “We want to get these lawmakers into treatment, to break this vicious cycle. No one should have to sell their souls in exchange for government handouts.”

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

 OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – Sen. Kenneth Corn, D-Poteau, announced his resignation Wednesday in order to pursue a vacant seat in his high school’s student council. 

“I feel that my experience in state government has given me the skills necessary to accomplish meaningful change for the students of Howe High School.” 

Corn said that, if elected, he would work on getting a Coke machine in the senior cafeteria and maybe moving the prom to an off-campus location.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

That shocked and expressionless zombie apocalypse-look is getting quite fashionable in political circles.

While most of the geriatric peacocks claim not to even know what Botox is, we all can spot those with a needle addiction from all the way across the caucus rooms.

Other stories we’re working on for next press date (if the wild rumors are even close to ‘plausible’)..

– Senate fails SB 666 on general principle 

– Warning: In case of Rapture, House will be unmanned 

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – State lawmakers admitted Tuesday that they had no idea who amended HB 2355, regarding performance awards issued by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. 

The amendment added a new paragraph to the first section of the bill. As apparently approved, the paragraph reads “Metallica rules.” Rep. Lucky Lamons, D-Tulsa, author of the legislation, says he isn’t sure when the amendment was added. “It might have been in the Appropriations Subcommittee on Public Safety,” he said, “but I really don’t remember.” 

  Committee Chair Sen. Dick Wilkerson, D-Atwood, conceded that the amendment could have been approved during the meeting. “It was getting late, and I wanted to get home and watch ‘Survivor,’ so I think we pretty much approved everything on the table and went home.” House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville wasted no time attacking the legislation. 

“This is typical of the Democrats ‘bait-and-switch’ policies,” 

he said. “They did the same thing with tort reform and worker’s compensation.” Legislators have declined to repeal the amendment. “I don’t think it’s hurting anything,” said Lamons, “and besides, none of us are sure what a ‘Metallica’ is.” Under other provisions outlined in the bill, the ruling status of Metallica will be enforced by OSBI and the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics.

oklahomapartisan:

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

Balkman’s Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (FU) - Last week, House staffers admitted that they were disconcerted by Rep. Thad Balkman’s shrine to former president Ronald Reagan. 

  “It’s a little creepy,” conceded a committee staffer, speaking only on the condition of anonymity.

 "I mean, it takes up half of his office, and the incense gets a little strong sometimes.“

 Balkman has authored House Joint Resolution 1001, “recognizing and declaring Ronald Reagan Day… declaring an emergency.” The bill was a scaled-back version of his original bill, which would have made Reagan the official mascot of Oklahoma.

Rep. Thad Balkman 

  The bill has some opposition in the Democratic-controlled Senate, but Republicans are planning on screaming “Hillary Clinton-lovers!” until dissent is squelched.

   Having fixed all of the state’s other socioeconomic problems, Balkman said it was crucial to recognize that Reagan was the only U.S. President who never made a mistake… ever. He also plans on authorizing companion legislation later this year, declaring former president Bill Clinton an enemy of the state.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

– Robert’s Rules of Order to be replaced by Wu-Tang style
– Legislation involving beer, horses isn’t as cool as you’d think
– Legislature considers razing Capitol Dome, building another damn Walgreens
– OSU Final Four loss somehow blamed on Carroll Fisher
– To speed up legislative process, governor issued two hands, flashlight
– Term-limited lawmakers no longer bothering to put on pants
– Guthrie mobilizing National Guard in bid to retake state capitol
– Yep, House Staffer has done it there too
– The gay marriage ban: Could it destroy the Mathis Brothers? 

We’ll continue publishing when we get our halloween costumes figured out.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Brad Edwards, In Our Corner

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A metropolitan-area lawmaker has authored legislation to get KFOR newscaster Brad Edwards out of our corner, where he has been for over 10 years. 

Sen. Cliff Branan, R-Oklahoma City, said it was time for Edwards to move on. 

“People are coming come from work, flipping on the lights, and Brad is just standing there, It’s creepy.” 

said Branan.

   KFOR producer David Bennent defended Edwards’ history of being in our corner. “Brad Edwards has always defended the people of Oklahoma, everything from poor hygiene at fast food restaurants or home remodeling gone wrong,” said Bennent.

 “He needs to be in your corner to do that, and he promises he won’t disturb your ficus plant.” Branan said he acknowledges Edwards’ work on behalf of Oklahoma consumers. However, he questioned why the newscaster felt compelled to stand in the corner. 

“People have reported him rocking back and forth, mumbling that he’s been a very naughty boy,”

 said Branan. “What’s up with that?” Under Branan’s legislation, Edwards would be forced out of our corner. He would be to stand along our wall, or within our closet.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, says
he prefers the “Next-Generation”
-era uniform to its “Voyager” and
“Deep Space Nine” counterparts. 

By Charles Haskell, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  For the fifth time is as many days, Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, has been asked to refrain from wearing his Starfleet uniform while in session. House Speaker Larry Adair requested Gilbert take off the uniform, noting that it made the Tulsa representative “look like a dork.”

   Gilbert has defended his choice of clothing. “This uniform means something to me,” Gilbert said.

 “As the captain of the USS District 72, I feel it is my duty to fight for all of my Federation, whether they be human, Vulcan, Andorian or even Tellarite.”

 This session, Gilbert has authored legislation to commend Ambassador Sarek for his service to the Federation and to memorializing Paramount to bring back the original “Star Trek” series in prime time. The House faced a similar showdown in 2000 when several representatives refused to take off their Josh Heupel and Rocky Calmus jerseys.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

An office pool is being run in the Senate Lounge. Some say It’s actually former senator, Gene Stipe in the white furry get up. 
 Others say that David Walters or Steve Lewis was trying to get into the lobbying racket…

Other rumors we’re working on (sort of)..

– AARP backs legislation to get those damn kids off their lawn 

– Debate over competing appropriations bills intensifies: ‘Yo mama’s unconstitutional’ 

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Rep. Mike O'neal, R-Enid

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republican leaders say they are “pleased” with the GOP’s installation of a double standard in the House chamber at the Capitol. Provided by the Oklahoma Republican Party, the standard allows GOP lawmakers to hurl criticism upon their Democratic counterparts without making themselves open to similar attacks. 

  For example, the standard allows Republicans to bemoan the legal problems of Oklahoma insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher while at the same time ignoring charges of sexual battery pending against Rep. Mike O’Neal, R-Enid.

  Under the operation of the standard, Democrats who attempt to hide legislation under shell bills or floor substitutes are guilty of trying to deceive the people. Similar bait-and-switch tactics with Republicans, such as replacing a premarital testing bill with a gay marriage ban, are exempt from such accusations.

  The standard also comes equipped with a “good old boy” attack mechanism, which allows House Republicans to whine about how the Democrats are slaves to wealthy special interests without a hint of irony. The standard is based off a similar program in place at the federal level, which allows Republican congressmen to denounce huge government deficits unless they are produced by a GOP administration.