The Partisan

Sen. Riley Busted For Passing Notes During Session

3/31/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Sen. Nancy Riley, R-Tulsa, was busted last week for passing notes to Sen. Kathleen Wilcoxson, R-Oklahoma City.

Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, observed Riley passing the note during debate for the governor’s cigarette tax proposal. Following acknowledgement of her action, Riley was asked to read the note before the entire Senate.

“Oh my God,” read Riley’s note, “Jim (Reynolds, R-Oklahoma City), is so hot. I think I’m going to ask him to go to the pro-family rally this weekend, or maybe to the mall.”

Following the praise of Reynolds, the note turned to inquiries about Wilcoxson’s weekend plans, specifically whether or not she was going to get her hair done. The message closed with a brief criticism of the dress worn by Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa. Riley said she was “totally embarrassed” by the public reading and vowed to criticize Hobson’s hair in future notes.

Nearly 90% of Democrat genda for the children

3/30/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to a recent study, fully 87 percent of the Democrats’ 2004 legislation has been filed ‘for the children.”

“Children are our most precious natural resource,”

said Sen. Bill Mitchell, D-Lindsay.

“I fully believe that children are our future and we must invest in them.”

Mitchell invoked the children to bolster support for HB 1201, which modified auditing requirements for the Department of Agriculture. Democrats also cited Oklahoma youth as the reason to deregulate SBC, modify the districts of the Oklahoma Peanut Commission and allow campaign fundraising in Oklahoma County.

Republican leadership has been skeptical of the Democrats’ tactics, noting that the children probably didn’t give a damn about how much the Commissioner of Agriculture was paid.

“I mean, I guess if you’re boosting pre-school funding, I can understand,” said Sen. Fred Morgan, R-Oklahoma City. “But how is redrawing the districts of the Peanut Commission ‘an investment in Oklahoma’s young people?’”

But Democratic lawmakers disagreed. “We must protect those who cannot protect themselves,” said Rep. Jari Askins, D-Duncan. Askins said a vote against HB 1805, regarding automated external defibrillators, would be “a vote against babies, puppy dogs, flowers and sunny days.”

“We have a duty to protect Oklahoma’s youngest, and I take that obligation seriously,” said Sen. Barbara Staggs, D-Muskogee, in defense of a bill that would exempt cellular towers from the definition of “telecommunications services” for tax purposes.

“Before voting for this bill, I would ask you to please, please think of the children.”

As of press time, the children were unavailable for comment.

Sen. Frank Shurden Revealed To Be Gamecock In Disguise!

3/29/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

“Holy cockboxing!” scream surprised lawmakers

“Bow before your chicken overlords!” warns longtime gamefowl advocate

By Robert Williams, Partisan Staff Writer

In a shocking twist on the Senate Floor, Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, tore off his mask to reveal he was really an Oklahoma gamecock in disguise. “And so the invasion begins!” shrieked Shurden. Shurden has been a vocal opponent of a recent state law banning cockfighting. Approved overwhelmingly in a statewide election, the vote pitted urban opponents of animal cruelty against rural economic development. Following the ban, Shurden lobbied in favor of lowering the penalties and reducing the crime to a misdemeanor. Following the failure of that legislation, he crusaded to legalize “cockboxing,” where the animals would fight using tiny boxing gloves. That legislation died in a Senate committee when members realized that chickens don’t have hands.

Some have wondered why the senator would work so hard on behalf of the industry, but the pieces began to follow into place when it was discovered that “Sen. Frank Shurden” is actually an unemployed gamecock named Rooster McGee. The outing of Shurden/McGee disrupted normal Senate operations and pandering, and several entourages were left unescorted to the floor.

Frank Shurden, D-Henrietta

“The gentleman from Henryetta is recognized to be a chicken,”

said Senate Floor Leader Jay Paul Gumm.

“I am the cockfight king!”

screamed McGee.

Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, was briefly endangered when McGee lashed out with his feet, each talon equipped with razor-sharp knives. The fowl lawmaker was wrestled to the ground through the bipartisan cooperation of Sen. Johnnie Crutchfield, D-Ardmore, and Senate Republican Leader Glenn Coffee, R-Oklahoma City.

In the days since the dramatic unveiling, Partisan researchers have begun to uncover the strange history of Francis Shurden Rooster McGee. McGee was born in 1971, the Sooner-born offspring of a South Carolina gamecock. A rising force in the local circuit, McGee’s star was just beginning to rise as the animal rights movement began to pick up speed.

Following a nearly fatal injury in the ring that ended a promising career, McGee retired and set his sights on the political stage. Teaching himself to speak English, he worked briefly as a lobbyist before deciding to take matters into his own wings. “Frank Shurden” was first elected to the state House in 1978, disguised as a human in order to run. (State campaign laws do not recognize poultry or third parties).

In a press conference following the session, McGee announced that the gamecock revolution was nigh, and soon hordes of angry chickens would surround the Capitol. State Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced he would sue McGee for illegal deposits of chicken litter, but the Oklahoma Farm Bureau is lobbying for him to dismiss the suit.

Republicans applaud installation of double standard in House chamber

3/28/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Rep. Mike O'neal, R-Enid

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republican leaders say they are “pleased” with the GOP’s installation of a double standard in the House chamber at the Capitol. Provided by the Oklahoma Republican Party, the standard allows GOP lawmakers to hurl criticism upon their Democratic counterparts without making themselves open to similar attacks.

For example, the standard allows Republicans to bemoan the legal problems of Oklahoma insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher while at the same time ignoring charges of sexual battery pending against Rep. Mike O’Neal, R-Enid.

Under the operation of the standard, Democrats who attempt to hide legislation under shell bills or floor substitutes are guilty of trying to deceive the people. Similar bait-and-switch tactics with Republicans, such as replacing a premarital testing bill with a gay marriage ban, are exempt from such accusations.

The standard also comes equipped with a “good old boy” attack mechanism, which allows House Republicans to whine about how the Democrats are slaves to wealthy special interests without a hint of irony. The standard is based off a similar program in place at the federal level, which allows Republican congressmen to denounce huge government deficits unless they are produced by a GOP administration.

OKC Legislator's Alter Ego

3/27/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

An office pool is being run in the Senate Lounge. Some say It’s actually former senator, Gene Stipe in the white furry get up.
Others say that David Walters or Steve Lewis was trying to get into the lobbying racket…

Other rumors we’re working on (sort of)..

– AARP backs legislation to get those damn kids off their lawn

– Debate over competing appropriations bills intensifies: ‘Yo mama’s unconstitutional’

Speaker Asks Darrell Gilbert To Take Off Starfleet Uniform

3/26/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, says
he prefers the “Next-Generation”
-era uniform to its “Voyager” and
“Deep Space Nine” counterparts.

By Charles Haskell, Partisan Staff Reporter

For the fifth time is as many days, Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, has been asked to refrain from wearing his Starfleet uniform while in session. House Speaker Larry Adair requested Gilbert take off the uniform, noting that it made the Tulsa representative “look like a dork.”

Gilbert has defended his choice of clothing. “This uniform means something to me,” Gilbert said.

“As the captain of the USS District 72, I feel it is my duty to fight for all of my Federation, whether they be human, Vulcan, Andorian or even Tellarite.”

This session, Gilbert has authored legislation to commend Ambassador Sarek for his service to the Federation and to memorializing Paramount to bring back the original “Star Trek” series in prime time. The House faced a similar showdown in 2000 when several representatives refused to take off their Josh Heupel and Rocky Calmus jerseys.

Legislator Asks Brad Edwards To 'Please Get Out of Our Corner'

3/25/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Brad Edwards, In Our Corner

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A metropolitan-area lawmaker has authored legislation to get KFOR newscaster Brad Edwards out of our corner, where he has been for over 10 years.

Sen. Cliff Branan, R-Oklahoma City, said it was time for Edwards to move on.

“People are coming come from work, flipping on the lights, and Brad is just standing there, It’s creepy.”

said Branan.

KFOR producer David Bennent defended Edwards’ history of being in our corner. “Brad Edwards has always defended the people of Oklahoma, everything from poor hygiene at fast food restaurants or home remodeling gone wrong,” said Bennent.

“He needs to be in your corner to do that, and he promises he won’t disturb your ficus plant.” Branan said he acknowledges Edwards’ work on behalf of Oklahoma consumers. However, he questioned why the newscaster felt compelled to stand in the corner.

“People have reported him rocking back and forth, mumbling that he’s been a very naughty boy,”

said Branan. “What’s up with that?” Under Branan’s legislation, Edwards would be forced out of our corner. He would be to stand along our wall, or within our closet.

Stories We're Still Working On..

3/24/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

– Robert’s Rules of Order to be replaced by Wu-Tang style
– Legislation involving beer, horses isn’t as cool as you’d think
– Legislature considers razing Capitol Dome, building another damn Walgreens
– OSU Final Four loss somehow blamed on Carroll Fisher
– To speed up legislative process, governor issued two hands, flashlight
– Term-limited lawmakers no longer bothering to put on pants
– Guthrie mobilizing National Guard in bid to retake state capitol
– Yep, House Staffer has done it there too
– The gay marriage ban: Could it destroy the Mathis Brothers?

We’ll continue publishing when we get our halloween costumes figured out.

Balkmans Reagan Shrine A Little Creepy

3/23/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (FU) - Last week, House staffers admitted that they were disconcerted by Rep. Thad Balkman’s shrine to former president Ronald Reagan.

“It’s a little creepy,” conceded a committee staffer, speaking only on the condition of anonymity.

"I mean, it takes up half of his office, and the incense gets a little strong sometimes.“

Balkman has authored House Joint Resolution 1001, “recognizing and declaring Ronald Reagan Day… declaring an emergency.” The bill was a scaled-back version of his original bill, which would have made Reagan the official mascot of Oklahoma.

Rep. Thad Balkman

The bill has some opposition in the Democratic-controlled Senate, but Republicans are planning on screaming “Hillary Clinton-lovers!” until dissent is squelched.

Having fixed all of the state’s other socioeconomic problems, Balkman said it was crucial to recognize that Reagan was the only U.S. President who never made a mistake… ever. He also plans on authorizing companion legislation later this year, declaring former president Bill Clinton an enemy of the state.

Nobody Really Knows Who Amended HB 2355

3/22/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – State lawmakers admitted Tuesday that they had no idea who amended HB 2355, regarding performance awards issued by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation.

The amendment added a new paragraph to the first section of the bill. As apparently approved, the paragraph reads “Metallica rules.” Rep. Lucky Lamons, D-Tulsa, author of the legislation, says he isn’t sure when the amendment was added. “It might have been in the Appropriations Subcommittee on Public Safety,” he said, “but I really don’t remember.”

Committee Chair Sen. Dick Wilkerson, D-Atwood, conceded that the amendment could have been approved during the meeting. “It was getting late, and I wanted to get home and watch ‘Survivor,’ so I think we pretty much approved everything on the table and went home.” House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville wasted no time attacking the legislation.

“This is typical of the Democrats ‘bait-and-switch’ policies,”

he said. “They did the same thing with tort reform and worker’s compensation.” Legislators have declined to repeal the amendment. “I don’t think it’s hurting anything,” said Lamons, “and besides, none of us are sure what a ‘Metallica’ is.” Under other provisions outlined in the bill, the ruling status of Metallica will be enforced by OSBI and the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics.

The Oklahoma Partisan

In 2004 & 2005, an anonymous group of journalist/artists compiled a library of what then was contemporary humor surrounding Oklahoma state government. Sadly the venture only lasted a couple years. But the Oklahoma Partisan was a gem of political comedy.
Today most of these characters of focus are no longer in the public arena. But the levity provided at their expense served to help the closely divided legislature to laugh at their colleagues. The truly humble among them even laughed when the joke was on them.

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