By Ernie W. Marland, Partisan Staff Reporter
If Oklahoma votes in favor of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, God will stop pelting the state with tornadoes. “If I look down and see that homosexuals are behind denied the same civil rights and privileges that heterosexuals enjoy, then we’ll be okay,” the Judeo-Christian deity said in a joint press conference with Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa.

“But if I see a separation of church and state, something’s getting wiped out.”

Republican leadership has been in talks with God throughout the session, working to broker a deal wherein the often-unpredictable supernatural entity would stop pelting the state with tornadoes, drought and other so-called “acts of God.” Federal law requires the state to enter into compacts with divine beings regarding Class III natural disasters, such as tornadoes, earthquakes and famine. God’s Class II disasters, such as a 1200% increase in meth use and the hemorrhaging of high-paying jobs, remain unregulated. However, God said he may reward the state if the Bible’s 612 other amendments are enshrined in state law.

“Yeah, I said homosexual love was an abomination, but I didn’t say it was any worse than any other abomination,”

he said. “What’s with all the hetero-textile clothing? In Leviticus 19:19, I specifically said ‘Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.’ Yet I look around and I see all sorts of hybrid cattle and a lot of people wearing linen-cotton blends. What’s up with that?”
In response to the voice of God, Rep. Bill Graves, R-Oklahoma City, is crafting legislation to enshrine the entire book of Leviticus in the Oklahoma Constitution. A reprieve from tornadoes backs up Williamson’s claim that a gay marriage ban would help economic development in Oklahoma.
Democrats had previously disputed that argument based on the fact that it made no friggin’ sense. Williamson said the lack of God’s wrath would drive down insurance prices which, along with right-to-work and tort-reform, will function as a panacea for the troubled state.
“If Oklahomans don’t take a stand against civil rights, we’ll soon end up like the God-forsaken hellhole that is Massachusetts,”
Williamson said. So far this year, God has punished Massachusetts with a standard-of-living and per-capita income far above Oklahoma’s, as well as much lower rates of crime, teenage pregnancy, obesity and suicide.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, the Senate celebrated “Penny Williams Awareness Day,” a new state holiday designed to raise awareness of Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa, who often appears to have no idea what is going on in the world around her.
“We had noticed that, at the Capitol and in the chamber, Penny often appeared both lost and confused. We hope that this holiday will greatly raise her awareness, informing her of where she is and what is going on,” said Sen. Daisy Lawler, D-Comanche.
Lawler authored SB 24601, which created the state holiday. She said she was inspired to raise the awareness of Williams after watching the Tulsa senator vote to order tacos by unanimous consent. “I think we were discussing provisions of the Volunteer Firefighter Incentive Act and, during her debate, Sen. Williams attempted to ‘super-size’ the legislation for an additional 39 cents,” said Lawler.

“We’re hoping that Penny Williams Awareness Day will bring attention to Penny, or at least get her to stop yelling ‘Bingo!’ whenever she votes for a bill.“

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the 2003 legislative session winds down, Oklahoma’s trial lawyers are breathing a sigh of relief. At the beginning of the session, Gov. Brad Henry had promised tort reforms that would be “stronger than Texas.” With two weeks left in the session, Henry has backed off of this statement, and now promises reforms that are “stronger than Texas football.”
After mounting an intense lobbying effort against lawsuit reform, trial lawyers have now resumed fulltime mustache twirling, as well as kidnapping damsels and tying them to railroad tracks. “Finally, I can relax again,” said part-time trial lawyer Sen. Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City.
With the threat to jackpot justice nearly behind him, Taylor has resumed wearing a the black top hat and monocle that is the uniform of the American Trial Lawyer Association. “With tort reform essentially emasculated, the people of Oklahoma are the winners,” said Taylor. “Lawyers can finally get back to eating babies and kicking puppy dogs.”
Trial lawyers are not the only party to benefit from Henry’s flaccid reform promises. The state’s workers compensation providers are eagerly awaiting the governor’s limp-wristed and toothless reform proposals.

At press time, some had even resumed covering themselves in goat’s blood and sacrificing chickens to Baal.
“Thank goodness we have a governor who fights for the people, not millionaire special interests,”
said Taylor, himself a millionaire trial lawyer who was especially interested in the legislation. “I haven’t had time to kill a kitten in months.”

As Will Rogers once said; “My jokes don’t harm anyone, but when congress writes a joke, it becomes a law!”
Stay tune for our upcoming reports on these stories…
– Thanks to scrivener’s error, public breast-feeding now required by law
– Inhofe signs lucrative sponsorship deal with douchebag manufacturer

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the Legislature enters its last week of the regular session, hookers along the “Capitol Corridor” are shoring up for the lean summer months. However, with term limits carrying off many repeat customers, the president of the Prostitutes Local 24601 says the union may lobby for a longer legislative session.
“The Legislature is constitutionally mandated to adjourn in May,” said Gertie Cummings, part-time lobbyist and full-time whore.

“This hasn’t been a problem in the past, because we had some big spenders. However, a 12-year term limit can create big problems within the industry, since it can take up to a year to convince some of the younger lawmakers that their wives will never find out.”

Cummings said the union is pushing for a constitutional amendment to extend the legislative session through the end of July.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, legislators were told of the rising sexual tension between Rep. Thad Balkman, R-Norman, and Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah. The two representatives are frequent collaborators, often issuing joint press releases and addressing the media together.
Most recently, the dynamic duo issued a press release calling on the Oklahoma Democratic Party to cancel a gay marriage event and “endorse efforts to amend the state constitution to prohibit gay marriage.” “They’re always together, talking about Oklahoma values and capital gains tax cuts,” said House staffer Gordon MacRae,

“It’s so obvious, everyone in the Capitol knows it.”

Former House page Gloria Grahame was more direct, “I wish they’d just kiss already.” While most at the Capitol agree that Balkman and Cargill would make a good couple, the rising tension is not without danger, said Oklahoma fire marshal Robert Doke.

“Whenever Balkman and Cargill get together, the sparks start flying. And when you’ve got a Capitol surrounded by oil wells, flying sparks is not something you want to deal with,”

said Doke. To ease some of the tension between the two, Doke suggested having a House staffer hose them down between particularly intense caucus sessions. Sen. Scott Pruitt, R-Broken Arrow, has also offered to chaperone the two to ensure that everything remains copacetic.

Police urge caution;
Former senator last seen making illegal campaign contributions south of McAlester
By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter:
Former senator and convicted felon Gene Stipe escaped from house arrest on Monday, slipping out the back door while his wife was watching daytime TV. Stipe’s checkbook was also missing, which concerns authorities.

“As of right now, we believe the fugitive to be hiding somewhere in the McAlester area,”

said Pittsburg County sheriff Jerome Amaranto. “We’re concerned that he might try to funnel illegal donations into a city council race, or possibly contribute to the campaign coffers of Mike Mass.”
In January, Stipe was sentenced for perjury, conspiracy to obstruct a Federal Election Commission investigation and conspiracy to violate the Federal Election Campaign Act. During the sentencing process, which was delayed six times, many sought jail time for the 77-year-old lawmaker. An exception was Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, who recommended castration.

Valentine’s Day took more commitment this year, so we missed a copy deadline.

Here are the stories we should have had ready for print, but didn’t

• Even Nashoba lawmaker doesn’t know where the hell Nashoba is
• Obese kids, hungry cows: State crisis solves itself
• Senator calls for special session to finish farewell speech
• Governor ‘doing well’ following spine-removal surgery
• Cain collapses from bleeding heart

Citing the need to protect Oklahoma’s children from improved health care and broader educational opportunities, House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, D-Kellyville, called for the resignation of Oklahoma’s Democratic Party.

“For too long, the Democratic Party has clogged the legislature with plans to extend health care to the poor, boost teacher salaries and provide drug rehabilitation programs for addicts. The resignation of the party is necessary to proceed with important business such as reforming workers compensation and absolving corporations of responsibility to consumers,”

Hiett said in a Wednesday press conference. So far, Hiett has sought the resignations of:

• Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington,
• Senate President Pro Tempore Emeritus Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City and
• Rep. Mike Mass, D-Hartshorne.

He also seeks the resignation of:

• Oklahoma Insurance Commissioner Carroll Fisher,
• Gov. Brad Henry,
• two dogs and
• fifteen cats thought to be opposed to tort reform.

Hiett is expected to present the call for resignation to House Speak Larry Adair, D-Stillwell, who is expected to flip him the bird.

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of
State Finance, says his magical pimp hat
keeps his bitches in line during the
lengthy process of negotiation.

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of State Finance, says his magical pimp hat keeps his bitches in line during the lengthy process of negotiation.
By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Writer
From tobacco compacts to gambling and Medicaid expansion, state finance director Scott Meacham was one of the most effective forces in Oklahoma government. However, the Elk City banker is quick to give credit where credit is due, acknowledging the magical powers of his purple pimp hat.
“The hat keeps my (prostitutes) in line,” said Meacham.
“Tobacco retailers are all like, ‘We can’t compete with the tribes’ and I’m like, ‘Be cool bitches.’ You gotta respect the hat. Otherwise you get the slap.”
Meacham said his headgear’s purple velvet crown makes him seem more approachable, while the zebra-striped band subtle indicates that he ain’t f#@kin’ around. Legislators and other officials are generally supportive of Meacham’s hat, although they have a less-favorable opinion of his vicious backhand slaps.
“I was arguing gambling expansion about a month ago,” said Rep. Forrest Claunch, R-Midwest City,
“and the next thing I know, I’m getting slapped across the face while Scott screams ‘Who’s your daddy?’”
Meacham explained that, in the course of his work, it is often necessary to lay the smack down on punk bitches. “You got a problem, you can take it up with the hat,” he said. Punk-ass bitches have asked Gov. Brad Henry to restrain Meacham. However, following an assault by “the five fingers of progress,” Henry said he ain’t goin’ there again.