The Partisan

Developing: Kris Steele Is Not An 'Adult Film' Actor

4/17/2022

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Rep. Kris Steele

We’re still working on these breaking headlines:

– Jay Parmley booted for endorsing actual Democrat to lead national party
– Despite awesome name, Kris Steele isn’t a porn star

We’re sorry for the delays, but good journalism requires a commitment to the facts.

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Partisan NetWatch: www.BubbaWorld.com

4/16/2022

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Partisan NetWatch: www.bubbaworld.com

Cruise on over to

“Oklahoma: The Way it Really Is.”

Read about our state’s struggles with

cockfighting,
meth,
divorce,
teen pregnancy,
gay marriage
and more.

Them, in 500 words or less, explain how all of these problems could be solved by reforming Oklahoma’s workers compensation system.

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Hiett Irritated That Governor Has Apparently Grown a Pair

4/15/2022

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OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to sources within the House of Representatives, House Speaker Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, is dismayed that Gov. Brad Henry has grown a pair of brass round ones.

“I’m not pleased with it,” said Hiett.

Upon the GOP takeover of the Oklahoma Legislature in the November elections, Republicans were expected to whip out their legislation in the face of astonished Democrats. At the time, Henry was expected to offer feeble counter proposals, including “EDGEpalooza 2005: Reaching for Excellence and Rubbing It all over our Bodies.”

However, the passage of lottery and cigarette tax measures has prompted a swelling in Henry’s package, and he has mobilized his mass of confidence to pre-empt Republican legislation. Last week, Henry was seen whipping out his massive prescription drug plan at a press conference.

“You think you can roll with the big boy? Bring it on!”

said Henry.

No sooner has Republicans debuted their tort reform plans then Henry slapped them upside the head with a “Tax Rebate, OCAST investment” package. School consolidation and workers comp reforms were blocked by a higher education bond issue and a sweet slice of worker’s safety measures.

Despite early opposition by Henry’s developing spine, Hiett says Republicans will chip away at the governor over the course of the session. “Clearly, the governor’s sizable package has presented an unexpected obstacle to our legislation” said Hiett. However, the Speaker said that he is no stranger to ball breaking. Hiett most recently broke the traditional Speaker’s Ball by banning alcohol from the event.

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Hiett Unveils Comprehensive Plan For Workers Comp Reform

4/14/2022

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In other news, we’re working on some leads in these 2 stories.

– House chief of staff fires 23 more people ‘for shits and giggles’

– SBC goons fixing to deregulate your face

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Industry Opposes 55-cent Increase On Meth Tax

4/13/2022

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OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A spokesman for Oklahoma’s methamphetamine industry says a proposed 55-cent would hurt the state’s already-struggling pharmaceutical manufacturing business. Gov. Brad Henry proposed the tax hike last month, saying the money would be used to provide Oklahoma teachers with cabana boys, liquor, and “all the coke they can snort.”

However, a Durant meth manufacturer says the tax will simply drive customers to cheaper sources of the drug

“Them there’s that wants it, they just gonna get it on the Internets on in Texas,”

said Lucas Boduke, a meth “chef” and part-time wife-beater. “Big government sumbitches always trying to take my sheeit,” said Boduke who, like many Oklahomans who complain about big government, derives most of his income from government subsidies and welfare payments.

An official from the Oklahoma Education Association defended the need for the money. “Those cabana boys and liquor are for the children,” said Daisy Perosco, executive director of the union’s Bitching-and-Moaning Division. “Why do you hate children, you bastards?”

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SESSION BEGINS: House Republicans Already Drunk With Power Bourbon

4/12/2022

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“As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise
to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.”
– Rep. Todd Hiett

By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter

The 50th session of the Oklahoma Legislature convenes today. Following a contentious 2004 election, state Republicans swept into power on the back of God, guns, gays and the fact that Brad Carson apparently had a homosexual relationship with John Kerry and Edward Kennedy simultaneously.

In the House, the GOP took the majority of seats for the first time in 80 years, a fact noted in damn near every press release issued by the Republican Party. Rep. Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, was installed as the Speaker of the House in January. In that position, he will lead a 77-seat majority (57 actual Republicans and 20 more who would be Republicans if they could go without the farm subsidies).

“Clearly, the people have spoken,” said Hiett.

“With this election, we can finally put the nightmarish social and civil rights advances of the 20th century behind us. As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.”

Republicans wasted no time in pressing their advantage, shifting passing new rules that would limit the ability to propose and debate amendments on the House floor, as well as procedural changes that would require members of the minority party to ask “Mother may I?” before every vote. In the Senate, Sen. Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, will continue to lead a emasculated Democratic majority, which plans to spend most of its time sobbing until it is put out to pasture in the 2006 election.

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Cargill Asks Gaylord Family To Consider Changing Name

4/11/2022

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OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – In a politely-worded letter to The Daily Oklahoman, the House Republican Leader has asked the relatives of publishing magnate E.K. Gaylord to consider changing the family name.

Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah, asked the family to consider a surname “more in line with traditional Oklahoma values.” “Let’s face it,” wrote Cargill,

“Oklahoma’s high standard of living and low rates of drug use, teenage pregnancy and incarceration are derived entirely from its strong opposition to homosexuality. It doesn’t look good when we’ve got the words ‘Gay Lord’ associated our largest newspaper.”

Cargill also asked to change the name of Gaylord Family – Oklahoma Memorial Stadium, saying the moniker may have played a part in the cornholing the Sooners received in the 2005 National Championship. In his letter, Cargill provided a number of alternatives to the controversial name, including “Christian,” “Godlove” and “Tort Reformer.”

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Lt. Governor Calls For Commission To Identify If the Office Has Any Real Duties

4/10/2022

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Happy Spring and condolences for all the pathetic bills which didn’t get a committee vote. Better luck next year. Here are some journalistic tips we should be investigating, but the people-watching in the rotunda is more fun.

– Henry says EDGE 2005 will feature 50 percent more smoke, mirrors
– Rural lawmakers planning aggressive effort to court black voter
– Lt. Governor calls for special commission to determine what the hell she’s supposed to do all day
– Ronnie Kaye now older than God

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Feral Steve Largent Found Living In Governors Basement

4/9/2022

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OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, officials with the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation confirmed that Steve Largent, former football star, U.S. representative and gubernatorial candidate, was found living in the basement of the governor’s mansion.

The discovery concludes a yearlong investigation into the fate of the popular, good-looking jock, who had not been heard from following his defeat by student-council dweeb Brad Henry in the 2002 election. Officials says Largent has been living in the mansion’s basement since the defeat, surviving off Sonic leftovers discarded by the Henry family.

Largent was largely incoherent, but appears to think he has been running Oklahoma government from his nest of filth. He seemed pleased to announce the successful passage of workers compensation and tort reform, before flinging feces at Animal Control officers. “Man, that’s pretty messed up,” said Henry.

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Meacham Attributes Legislative Success To Magic Purple Pimp Hat

4/8/2022

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Scott Meacham, director of the Office of
State Finance, says his magical pimp hat
keeps his bitches in line during the
lengthy process of negotiation.

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of State Finance, says his magical pimp hat keeps his bitches in line during the lengthy process of negotiation.

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Writer

From tobacco compacts to gambling and Medicaid expansion, state finance director Scott Meacham was one of the most effective forces in Oklahoma government. However, the Elk City banker is quick to give credit where credit is due, acknowledging the magical powers of his purple pimp hat.

“The hat keeps my (prostitutes) in line,” said Meacham.

“Tobacco retailers are all like, ‘We can’t compete with the tribes’ and I’m like, ‘Be cool bitches.’ You gotta respect the hat. Otherwise you get the slap.”

Meacham said his headgear’s purple velvet crown makes him seem more approachable, while the zebra-striped band subtle indicates that he ain’t f#@kin’ around. Legislators and other officials are generally supportive of Meacham’s hat, although they have a less-favorable opinion of his vicious backhand slaps.

“I was arguing gambling expansion about a month ago,” said Rep. Forrest Claunch, R-Midwest City,

“and the next thing I know, I’m getting slapped across the face while Scott screams ‘Who’s your daddy?’”

Meacham explained that, in the course of his work, it is often necessary to lay the smack down on punk bitches. “You got a problem, you can take it up with the hat,” he said. Punk-ass bitches have asked Gov. Brad Henry to restrain Meacham. However, following an assault by “the five fingers of progress,” Henry said he ain’t goin’ there again.

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The Oklahoma Partisan

In 2004 & 2005, an anonymous group of journalist/artists compiled a library of what then was contemporary humor surrounding Oklahoma state government. Sadly the venture only lasted a couple years. But the Oklahoma Partisan was a gem of political comedy.
Today most of these characters of focus are no longer in the public arena. But the levity provided at their expense served to help the closely divided legislature to laugh at their colleagues. The truly humble among them even laughed when the joke was on them.

Developing: Kris Steele Is Not An 'Adult Film' Actor

Partisan NetWatch: www.BubbaWorld.com

“Oklahoma: The Way it Really Is.”

Hiett Irritated That Governor Has Apparently Grown a Pair

“I’m not pleased with it,” said Hiett.

“You think you can roll with the big boy? Bring it on!”

Hiett Unveils Comprehensive Plan For Workers Comp Reform

– House chief of staff fires 23 more people ‘for shits and giggles’

– SBC goons fixing to deregulate your face

Industry Opposes 55-cent Increase On Meth Tax

“Them there’s that wants it, they just gonna get it on the Internets on in Texas,”

SESSION BEGINS: House Republicans Already Drunk With Power Bourbon

“With this election, we can finally put the nightmarish social and civil rights advances of the 20th century behind us. As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.”

Cargill Asks Gaylord Family To Consider Changing Name

“Oklahoma’s high standard of living and low rates of drug use, teenage pregnancy and incarceration are derived entirely from its strong opposition to homosexuality. It doesn’t look good when we’ve got the words ‘Gay Lord’ associated our largest newspaper.”

Lt. Governor Calls For Commission To Identify If the Office Has Any Real Duties

Feral Steve Largent Found Living In Governors Basement

Meacham Attributes Legislative Success To Magic Purple Pimp Hat

“Tobacco retailers are all like, ‘We can’t compete with the tribes’ and I’m like, ‘Be cool bitches.’ You gotta respect the hat. Otherwise you get the slap.”

“and the next thing I know, I’m getting slapped across the face while Scott screams ‘Who’s your daddy?’”

The Oklahoma Partisan

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