The Partisan

Senate Health committee Certifies Beastie Boys Oklahomas Most Ill

10/21/2021

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – The Senate Health and Human Resources committee met last week to certify popular hip-hop group The Beastie Boys as Oklahoma’s “illest.” Michael Crutcher, head of the Oklahoma State Department of Health, asked for official recognition of the Boys’ illness.

“As we have known for some time, they got the ill communication,” said Crutcher,

“It is important to acknowledge that the group is, in fact, ‘licensed’ to ill.”

Committee Chair Bernest Cain, D-Oklahoma City, questioned Crutcher as to the qualifications of the Boyz from Brooklyn.

“While it is clear to me that the Beastie Boys rock the hizouse, would you also say that they got the skillz to pay the billz?”

Cain asked.

“Word up,” said Crutcher. The bill cleared the committee unanimously, following a brief pause to raise da roof.

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Coburn MacGyver Team Up To Defuse Social Security Time Bomb

10/20/2021

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Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts

Tom Coburn and MacGyver saved the
nation from a Social Security Nighmare.
Afterwards, the studly duo vowed to
take on North Korea.

By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter

WASHINGTON (OP) – Our nation’s chief executive breathed a little easier last night, as Senator Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma, and MacGyver, Troubleshooter Extraordinaire, defused America’s ticking time bomb, the Social Security System. “Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to Coburn and MacGyver,” said President George W. Bush.

As the president, vice-president, and several agency officials have repeatedly told the American press, Social Security was in danger of exploding unless private accounts were immediately installed.

However, while the danger was as clear and present as weapons of mass destruction, there was Congressional resistance to drastically overhauling the federal program. Shrieking, weak-kneed liberals were convincing some of the more cowardly Republicans to do nothing, and allow the bomb to keep ticking.

Nonetheless, conservative crusader Coburn was committed to the destruction of the system, and he knew just the person to call.

Angus MacGyver is a free-lance adventurer for the Phoenix Foundation, most active in southern California during the 1985-92 television seasons. He had worked with Coburn for a time while fighting against Homicide International Trust.

At a press conference last week, Coburn and MacGyver detailed how they discovered the problem while adventuring together in the Arbuckle Mountains.

At the time, they had access to only a few common household objects: a paper clip, a rubber band and 24,601 ways to cut vital social services in order to fund private investment accounts.

On the scene, Coburn used his skills as a politician and physician to brew up a smokescreen using workers compensation reform and hefty imitations on malpractice lawsuits. This shielded the duo from public oversight, giving MacGyver time to yank out the Social Security safety net and replace it with privatized accounts created out of a rubber band and a fistful of Wal-Mart coupons.

On Monday, Coburn and MacGyver were presented with the Congressional Medal of Honor, but the maverick lawmaker declined the honor.

“Just doing my job,”

said Coburn, flashing the “thumbs up” sign.

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Developing: Kris Steele Is Not An 'Adult Film' Actor

10/19/2021

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Rep. Kris Steele

We’re still working on these breaking headlines:

– Jay Parmley booted for endorsing actual Democrat to lead national party
– Despite awesome name, Kris Steele isn’t a porn star

We’re sorry for the delays, but good journalism requires a commitment to the facts.

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Partisan NetWatch: www.BubbaWorld.com

10/18/2021

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Partisan NetWatch: www.bubbaworld.com

Cruise on over to

“Oklahoma: The Way it Really Is.”

Read about our state’s struggles with

cockfighting,
meth,
divorce,
teen pregnancy,
gay marriage
and more.

Them, in 500 words or less, explain how all of these problems could be solved by reforming Oklahoma’s workers compensation system.

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Hiett Irritated That Governor Has Apparently Grown a Pair

10/17/2021

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OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to sources within the House of Representatives, House Speaker Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, is dismayed that Gov. Brad Henry has grown a pair of brass round ones.

“I’m not pleased with it,” said Hiett.

Upon the GOP takeover of the Oklahoma Legislature in the November elections, Republicans were expected to whip out their legislation in the face of astonished Democrats. At the time, Henry was expected to offer feeble counter proposals, including “EDGEpalooza 2005: Reaching for Excellence and Rubbing It all over our Bodies.”

However, the passage of lottery and cigarette tax measures has prompted a swelling in Henry’s package, and he has mobilized his mass of confidence to pre-empt Republican legislation. Last week, Henry was seen whipping out his massive prescription drug plan at a press conference.

“You think you can roll with the big boy? Bring it on!”

said Henry.

No sooner has Republicans debuted their tort reform plans then Henry slapped them upside the head with a “Tax Rebate, OCAST investment” package. School consolidation and workers comp reforms were blocked by a higher education bond issue and a sweet slice of worker’s safety measures.

Despite early opposition by Henry’s developing spine, Hiett says Republicans will chip away at the governor over the course of the session. “Clearly, the governor’s sizable package has presented an unexpected obstacle to our legislation” said Hiett. However, the Speaker said that he is no stranger to ball breaking. Hiett most recently broke the traditional Speaker’s Ball by banning alcohol from the event.

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Hiett Unveils Comprehensive Plan For Workers Comp Reform

10/16/2021

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In other news, we’re working on some leads in these 2 stories.

– House chief of staff fires 23 more people ‘for shits and giggles’

– SBC goons fixing to deregulate your face

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Industry Opposes 55-cent Increase On Meth Tax

10/15/2021

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OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A spokesman for Oklahoma’s methamphetamine industry says a proposed 55-cent would hurt the state’s already-struggling pharmaceutical manufacturing business. Gov. Brad Henry proposed the tax hike last month, saying the money would be used to provide Oklahoma teachers with cabana boys, liquor, and “all the coke they can snort.”

However, a Durant meth manufacturer says the tax will simply drive customers to cheaper sources of the drug

“Them there’s that wants it, they just gonna get it on the Internets on in Texas,”

said Lucas Boduke, a meth “chef” and part-time wife-beater. “Big government sumbitches always trying to take my sheeit,” said Boduke who, like many Oklahomans who complain about big government, derives most of his income from government subsidies and welfare payments.

An official from the Oklahoma Education Association defended the need for the money. “Those cabana boys and liquor are for the children,” said Daisy Perosco, executive director of the union’s Bitching-and-Moaning Division. “Why do you hate children, you bastards?”

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SESSION BEGINS: House Republicans Already Drunk With Power Bourbon

10/14/2021

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“As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise
to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.”
– Rep. Todd Hiett

By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter

The 50th session of the Oklahoma Legislature convenes today. Following a contentious 2004 election, state Republicans swept into power on the back of God, guns, gays and the fact that Brad Carson apparently had a homosexual relationship with John Kerry and Edward Kennedy simultaneously.

In the House, the GOP took the majority of seats for the first time in 80 years, a fact noted in damn near every press release issued by the Republican Party. Rep. Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, was installed as the Speaker of the House in January. In that position, he will lead a 77-seat majority (57 actual Republicans and 20 more who would be Republicans if they could go without the farm subsidies).

“Clearly, the people have spoken,” said Hiett.

“With this election, we can finally put the nightmarish social and civil rights advances of the 20th century behind us. As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.”

Republicans wasted no time in pressing their advantage, shifting passing new rules that would limit the ability to propose and debate amendments on the House floor, as well as procedural changes that would require members of the minority party to ask “Mother may I?” before every vote. In the Senate, Sen. Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, will continue to lead a emasculated Democratic majority, which plans to spend most of its time sobbing until it is put out to pasture in the 2006 election.

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Cargill Asks Gaylord Family To Consider Changing Name

10/13/2021

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OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – In a politely-worded letter to The Daily Oklahoman, the House Republican Leader has asked the relatives of publishing magnate E.K. Gaylord to consider changing the family name.

Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah, asked the family to consider a surname “more in line with traditional Oklahoma values.” “Let’s face it,” wrote Cargill,

“Oklahoma’s high standard of living and low rates of drug use, teenage pregnancy and incarceration are derived entirely from its strong opposition to homosexuality. It doesn’t look good when we’ve got the words ‘Gay Lord’ associated our largest newspaper.”

Cargill also asked to change the name of Gaylord Family – Oklahoma Memorial Stadium, saying the moniker may have played a part in the cornholing the Sooners received in the 2005 National Championship. In his letter, Cargill provided a number of alternatives to the controversial name, including “Christian,” “Godlove” and “Tort Reformer.”

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Lt. Governor Calls For Commission To Identify If the Office Has Any Real Duties

10/12/2021

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Happy Spring and condolences for all the pathetic bills which didn’t get a committee vote. Better luck next year. Here are some journalistic tips we should be investigating, but the people-watching in the rotunda is more fun.

– Henry says EDGE 2005 will feature 50 percent more smoke, mirrors
– Rural lawmakers planning aggressive effort to court black voter
– Lt. Governor calls for special commission to determine what the hell she’s supposed to do all day
– Ronnie Kaye now older than God

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The Oklahoma Partisan

In 2004 & 2005, an anonymous group of journalist/artists compiled a library of what then was contemporary humor surrounding Oklahoma state government. Sadly the venture only lasted a couple years. But the Oklahoma Partisan was a gem of political comedy.
Today most of these characters of focus are no longer in the public arena. But the levity provided at their expense served to help the closely divided legislature to laugh at their colleagues. The truly humble among them even laughed when the joke was on them.

Senate Health committee Certifies Beastie Boys Oklahomas Most Ill

“It is important to acknowledge that the group is, in fact, ‘licensed’ to ill.”

“While it is clear to me that the Beastie Boys rock the hizouse, would you also say that they got the skillz to pay the billz?”

Coburn MacGyver Team Up To Defuse Social Security Time Bomb

Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts

Developing: Kris Steele Is Not An 'Adult Film' Actor

Partisan NetWatch: www.BubbaWorld.com

“Oklahoma: The Way it Really Is.”

Hiett Irritated That Governor Has Apparently Grown a Pair

“I’m not pleased with it,” said Hiett.

“You think you can roll with the big boy? Bring it on!”

Hiett Unveils Comprehensive Plan For Workers Comp Reform

– House chief of staff fires 23 more people ‘for shits and giggles’

– SBC goons fixing to deregulate your face

Industry Opposes 55-cent Increase On Meth Tax

“Them there’s that wants it, they just gonna get it on the Internets on in Texas,”

SESSION BEGINS: House Republicans Already Drunk With Power Bourbon

“With this election, we can finally put the nightmarish social and civil rights advances of the 20th century behind us. As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.”

Cargill Asks Gaylord Family To Consider Changing Name

“Oklahoma’s high standard of living and low rates of drug use, teenage pregnancy and incarceration are derived entirely from its strong opposition to homosexuality. It doesn’t look good when we’ve got the words ‘Gay Lord’ associated our largest newspaper.”

Lt. Governor Calls For Commission To Identify If the Office Has Any Real Duties

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