OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, officials with the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation confirmed that Steve Largent, former football star, U.S. representative and gubernatorial candidate, was found living in the basement of the governor’s mansion. 

The discovery concludes a yearlong investigation into the fate of the popular, good-looking jock, who had not been heard from following his defeat by student-council dweeb Brad Henry in the 2002 election. Officials says Largent has been living in the mansion’s basement since the defeat, surviving off Sonic leftovers discarded by the Henry family. 

  Largent was largely incoherent, but appears to think he has been running Oklahoma government from his nest of filth. He seemed pleased to announce the successful passage of workers compensation and tort reform, before flinging feces at Animal Control officers. “Man, that’s pretty messed up,” said Henry.

Happy Spring and condolences for all the pathetic bills which didn’t get a committee vote. Better luck next year.

Here are some journalistic tips we should be investigating, but the people-watching in the rotunda is more fun.

• Henry says EDGE 2005 will feature 50 percent more smoke, mirrors
• Rural lawmakers planning aggressive effort to court black voter
• Lt. Governor calls for special commission to determine what the hell she’s supposed to do all day
• Ronnie Kaye now older than God

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – In a politely-worded letter to The Daily Oklahoman, the House Republican Leader has asked the relatives of publishing magnate E.K. Gaylord to consider changing the family name. 

  Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah, asked the family to consider a surname “more in line with traditional Oklahoma values.” “Let’s face it,” wrote Cargill, 

“Oklahoma’s high standard of living and low rates of drug use, teenage pregnancy and incarceration are derived entirely from its strong opposition to homosexuality. It doesn’t look good when we’ve got the words ‘Gay Lord’ associated our largest newspaper.” 

  Cargill also asked to change the name of Gaylord Family – Oklahoma Memorial Stadium, saying the moniker may have played a part in the cornholing the Sooners received in the 2005 National Championship. In his letter, Cargill provided a number of alternatives to the controversial name, including “Christian,” “Godlove” and “Tort Reformer.”

By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  The 50th session of the Oklahoma Legislature convenes today. Following a contentious 2004 election, state Republicans swept into power on the back of God, guns, gays and the fact that Brad Carson apparently had a homosexual relationship with John Kerry and Edward Kennedy simultaneously. 

  In the House, the GOP took the majority of seats for the first time in 80 years, a fact noted in damn near every press release issued by the Republican Party. Rep. Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, was installed as the Speaker of the House in January. In that position, he will lead a 77-seat majority (57 actual Republicans and 20 more who would be Republicans if they could go without the farm subsidies). 

  “Clearly, the people have spoken,” said Hiett. 

  “With this election, we can finally put the nightmarish social and civil rights advances of the 20th century behind us. As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.” 

  Republicans wasted no time in pressing their advantage, shifting passing new rules that would limit the ability to propose and debate amendments on the House floor, as well as procedural changes that would require members of the minority party to ask “Mother may I?” before every vote. In the Senate, Sen. Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, will continue to lead a emasculated Democratic majority, which plans to spend most of its time sobbing until it is put out to pasture in the 2006 election.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A spokesman for Oklahoma’s methamphetamine industry says a proposed 55-cent would hurt the state’s already-struggling pharmaceutical manufacturing business. Gov. Brad Henry proposed the tax hike last month, saying the money would be used to provide Oklahoma teachers with cabana boys, liquor, and “all the coke they can snort.”

  However, a Durant meth manufacturer says the tax will simply drive customers to cheaper sources of the drug 

said Lucas Boduke, a meth “chef” and part-time wife-beater. “Big government sumbitches always trying to take my sheeit,” said Boduke who, like many Oklahomans who complain about big government, derives most of his income from government subsidies and welfare payments.   An official from the Oklahoma Education Association defended the need for the money. “Those cabana boys and liquor are for the children,” said Daisy Perosco, executive director of the union’s Bitching-and-Moaning Division. “Why do you hate children, you bastards?”

‘Suck it up, you pansies’ says Speaker.

In other news, we’re working on some leads in these 2 stories.

• – House chief of staff fires 23 more people ‘for shits and giggles’ 
• –  SBC goons fixing to deregulate your face 

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced that he had filed a restraining order against the mustache of Rep. Larry Rice, D-Pryor. “Rice’s facial hair is out of control,” said Edmondson. “We feel that, if it is allowing to grow unchecked, it threatens to consume the House.” 

  Edmond said the action was necessary to protect Rep. Joe Eddins, D-Vinita, who sits next to Rice in the House and has been assaulted by the mustache on various occasions. “I’m not saying he has to shave it but something has to be done. I can’t see anything from my desk anymore, and it’s like voting in a straw hut.” Eddins said. 

  In a previous filing, the attorney general successfully restrained the mustache of Rep. Greg Piatt, D-Ardmore. He said he is considering taking action against the goatee of Sen. Charles Ford, R-Tulsa, as well as filing suit against the soupstrainer of destruction worn by Rep. Mike Mass, D-Hartshorne.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (FU) - Last week, House staffers admitted that they were disconcerted by Rep. Thad Balkman’s shrine to former president Ronald Reagan. 

  “It’s a little creepy,” conceded a committee staffer, speaking only on the condition of anonymity.

 "I mean, it takes up half of his office, and the incense gets a little strong sometimes.“

 Balkman has authored House Joint Resolution 1001, “recognizing and declaring Ronald Reagan Day… declaring an emergency.” The bill was a scaled-back version of his original bill, which would have made Reagan the official mascot of Oklahoma.

Rep. Thad Balkman

  The bill has some opposition in the Democratic-controlled Senate, but Republicans are planning on screaming “Hillary Clinton-lovers!” until dissent is squelched.

   Having fixed all of the state’s other socioeconomic problems, Balkman said it was crucial to recognize that Reagan was the only U.S. President who never made a mistake… ever. He also plans on authorizing companion legislation later this year, declaring former president Bill Clinton an enemy of the state.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

The Native American calumet adorns the state flag, a symbol of goodwill and peace.  A similar pipe designed for smoking marijuana. For generations, Oklahoma high- school students have snickered about the possible connection between “peace,” “goodwill” and being totally stoned, dude.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 

According to classmates, an Oklahoma City 9th-grader honestly believes he is the first person to notice that a state symbol could be connected with the use of recreational drugs.

   Witnesses say that Karl Andrews, 15, first made the observation during his Oklahoma history class. 

“Dude, I bet they totally smoked pot in that,”

 said Andrews. The peace pipe, or calumet, is a traditional Native American sign. Along with the olive branch, it is a key component of the state flag.

   For years, Oklahoma teenagers have made the connection between “peace” and the euphoria resulting from the use of marijuana. In every case, students believe they are the first person in the history of the state to notice this. However, local historians suspect that the connection has been made hundreds of times since statehood.

 “Okay yeah, I guess you could smoke pot out of it,”

 said frustrated high school history teacher Burke Warner. “We said the same thing when I was a kid, and it was funny for about ten minutes. Can we move on please?” Education officials estimate that 30 minutes of class time is lost per year due to students’ snickering over the possible connection between state history and marijuana.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Partisan NetWatch: www.bubbaworld.com 

Cruise on over to 

“Oklahoma: The Way it Really Is.” 

Read about our state’s struggles with 

1. cockfighting, 
2. meth, 
3. divorce, 
4. teen pregnancy, 
5. gay marriage 
6. and more.   

  Them, in 500 words or less, explain how all of these problems could be solved by reforming Oklahoma’s workers compensation system.