From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
By Henry Johnston, Partisan Staff Reporter
A Tulsa legislator burst into flames last week during debate on legislation that would nullify job protection for homosexuals. Roger Williams, a spokesman for the state fire marshal, said Rep. Daniel Sullivan, R-Tulsa, ignited following an accidental exposure to logic.
“It appears that Sullivan’s temperature rose rapidly during debate of HB 1756. We suspect that the heat may be have been released due to a sudden collapse in the integrity of the lawmaker’s reasoning,”
Williams said. At the time of the ignition, Williams had just explained that the bill “was not discrimination, from my point of view.” He said that the bill actually supported equal rights, by denying “special rights” for homosexuals.
At this point, authorities suspect the argument collapsed from within. The invocation of “special rights” jargon collided head-on with the numerous rights that are “special” to heterosexuals, most notably the right to marry in a civil ceremony.
“For the lawmaker to argue in favor of equality, he would have had to support gay marriage. Unfortunately, empirical evidence suggests that Sullivan does not support any recognition of homosexual unions, and therefore believes in ‘special rights’ for heterosexuals,” said Williams. “This damaged the credibility of the source, making it especially easy for logic to enter the argument.”
“For the lawmaker to argue in favor of equality, he would have had to support gay marriage. Unfortunately, empirical evidence suggests that Sullivan does not support any recognition of homosexual unions, and therefore believes in ‘special rights’ for heterosexuals,” said Williams. “This damaged the credibility of the source, making it especially easy for logic to enter the argument.”
Normally, Williams said, such bills are encased in a layer of homophobia, which protects them from exposure to common sense. Williams said that, in his haste to pander, Sullivan had forgotten to stress how homosexuals were the single greatest threat to Oklahomans’ way of life. “Had Sullivan couched his arguments in more hysterical, reactionary terms, it would have been impossible for logic to enter the room,” said Williams. “Unfortunately, outside observers were able to see that HB 1746 didn’t create any jobs, lower any taxes, or in any way raise anyone’s quality of life.”
In addition, Williams said Sullivan’s arguments were weakened by their inability to be reconciled with Republican political theory. This left his reasoning especially flammable.
“The Republican platform favors smaller centralized government and more local control. By denying county and municipal governments the ability to determine their own policies, (Sullivan) was in complete contradiction with the foundation of his party.”
Had the lawmaker put forth a position consistent with this platform, he might have been able to survive an analytical assault, Williams explained. Some have theorized that Sullivan’s reasoning was so self-contradictory that the inherent paradoxes actually ripped a hole in the fabric of space. “Traditionally, it was the Oklahoma Democrats that favored these types of policies,” said Jim Wiley, associate professor of history and quantum physics at the University of Oklahoma.
“Seeing an Oklahoma Republican propose the bill might have been more than the time-space continuum could bear.” In any case, authorities are urging caution as the bill advances to the Senate. Williams and Wiley both suggested that lawmakers place the bill aside until it can be supported with something more than paranoid ranting.
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