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Female Lawmakers Back Mandatory Foreplay Proposal

5/19/2022

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From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

By Johnston Murray - Partisan Staff Reporter
 A bipartisan coalition of female lawmakers is backing a bill that would require men to engage in foreplay for at least 10 minutes prior to any act of sexual intercourse. Supporters say that HB 24601 would increase the state’s cuddling and snuggling index. Oklahoma currently ranks 47th in the nation for pre-coital interaction. 
  Rep. Sue Tibbs, R-Tulsa said; 

“We don’t think it’s unreasonable for Oklahoma’s men to invest some time in pillow talk, hugging and kissing,”  “Don’t get us wrong, we’re all about the freaky-deaky sex, we just think that guys should have to work for it.”

   “This bill would help lower Oklahoma’s teen pregnancy rate,” said Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City. “Most Oklahoma men want to spend about five minutes getting their groove on.“ Monson said that, if men were required to actually talk to their lovers, many would probably opt for Internet porn instead. Female backing for the bill was bipartisan, with Democrats saying that the bill would help the children and Republicans arguing that it would boost economic development. 

  Rep. Bill Graves, R-Oklahoma City, said he will vote against the bill, as he opposes any legislation that would benefit women. Furthermore, Graves said, the legislation presumes the existence of a female orgasm. According to Graves, the female orgasm is 

“a controversial theory which some scientists present as scientific explanation. No one has ever seen a female orgasm. Therefore, any statement about it’s existence should be considered as theory, not fact.” 

  There is some male backing for the legislation, described by A number of male legislators oppose the bill, saying that it would hurt their families by increasing the amount of time they had to spend with their mistresses. Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa, rejected suggestions that the bill would reaffirm “Oklahoma values.” Williamson has been the official arbiter of Oklahoma values since his election in 1996. 

“Oklahoma values are primarily centered around discriminating against homosexuals. We can’t be wasting time spewing a bunch of mushy crap when we just want to get our freak on,” 

Williamson said.
  Not all male legislators oppose the bill, although those that support it are considered to be a bunch of pussies. However, some real men have backed the proposal. Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, said he would consider voting for the legislation, providing nothing in the bill would require him to take his boots off. 
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Veteran Lawmakers Allege Political Sabotage

5/18/2022

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From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Sen. James Williamson
The House & Senate Sophomore classes are among the ‘persons of interest’ in  a complaint that dirty tricks are being played on veteran lawmakers.

We’re working on a few stories which aren’t ready yet. We’ll publish when we can.

– Aging, ugly lawmakers demand more soft light for official photos.
– Sen. James Williamson changes tune after ‘Queer Eye’ makeover 

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Panel Recommends Feeding Carroll Fisher To Shoeless Orphans

5/17/2022

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[…]

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Attorney General Says Anti Bullying Laws Cover 'Lampoon Journalism'

5/16/2022

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From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

If we’re not publishing next week, it’s probably because David Prater had us locked up in Sheriff Whetsel’s uber secret ‘Dungeon of Fantasy Sadistic Arts’.
Otherwise we’re working on..

– Senate Democrats straight-up pimp slap lieutenant governor


– Existentialists demand meaningless tort and workers comp reform 

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Sen. Riley Busted For Passing Notes During Session

5/15/2022

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From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Sen. Nancy Riley, R-Tulsa, was busted last week for passing notes to Sen. Kathleen Wilcoxson, R-Oklahoma City. 

  Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, observed Riley passing the note during debate for the governor’s cigarette tax proposal. Following acknowledgement of her action, Riley was asked to read the note before the entire Senate.

 “Oh my God,” read Riley’s note, “Jim (Reynolds, R-Oklahoma City), is so hot. I think I’m going to ask him to go to the pro-family rally this weekend, or maybe to the mall.”

  Following the praise of Reynolds, the note turned to inquiries about Wilcoxson’s weekend plans, specifically whether or not she was going to get her hair done. The message closed with a brief criticism of the dress worn by Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa. Riley said she was “totally embarrassed” by the public reading and vowed to criticize Hobson’s hair in future notes.
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Nearly 90% of Democrat genda for the children

5/14/2022

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From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to a recent study, fully 87 percent of the Democrats’ 2004 legislation has been filed ‘for the children.” 

“Children are our most precious natural resource,” 

said Sen. Bill Mitchell, D-Lindsay. 

“I fully believe that children are our future and we must invest in them.” 

  Mitchell invoked the children to bolster support for HB 1201, which modified auditing requirements for the Department of Agriculture. Democrats also cited Oklahoma youth as the reason to deregulate SBC, modify the districts of the Oklahoma Peanut Commission and allow campaign fundraising in Oklahoma County.
   Republican leadership has been skeptical of the Democrats’ tactics, noting that the children probably didn’t give a damn about how much the Commissioner of Agriculture was paid. 
  “I mean, I guess if you’re boosting pre-school funding, I can understand,” said Sen. Fred Morgan, R-Oklahoma City. “But how is redrawing the districts of the Peanut Commission ‘an investment in Oklahoma’s young people?’”
 
   But Democratic lawmakers disagreed. “We must protect those who cannot protect themselves,” said Rep. Jari Askins, D-Duncan. Askins said a vote against HB 1805, regarding automated external defibrillators, would be “a vote against babies, puppy dogs, flowers and sunny days.”
  “We have a duty to protect Oklahoma’s youngest, and I take that obligation seriously,” said Sen. Barbara Staggs, D-Muskogee, in defense of a bill that would exempt cellular towers from the definition of “telecommunications services” for tax purposes. 

  “Before voting for this bill, I would ask you to please, please think of the children.” 

  As of press time, the children were unavailable for comment.
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Sen. Frank Shurden Revealed To Be Gamecock In Disguise!

5/13/2022

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From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

“Holy cockboxing!” scream surprised lawmakers 

“Bow before your chicken overlords!” warns longtime gamefowl advocate

 By Robert Williams, Partisan Staff Writer 
  In a shocking twist on the Senate Floor, Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, tore off his mask to reveal he was really an Oklahoma gamecock in disguise. “And so the invasion begins!” shrieked Shurden. Shurden has been a vocal opponent of a recent state law banning cockfighting. Approved overwhelmingly in a statewide election, the vote pitted urban opponents of animal cruelty against rural economic development. Following the ban, Shurden lobbied in favor of lowering the penalties and reducing the crime to a misdemeanor. Following the failure of that legislation, he crusaded to legalize “cockboxing,” where the animals would fight using tiny boxing gloves. That legislation died in a Senate committee when members realized that chickens don’t have hands.

   Some have wondered why the senator would work so hard on behalf of the industry, but the pieces began to follow into place when it was discovered that “Sen. Frank Shurden” is actually an unemployed gamecock named Rooster McGee. The outing of Shurden/McGee disrupted normal Senate operations and pandering, and several entourages were left unescorted to the floor.

 

Frank Shurden, D-Henrietta
“The gentleman from Henryetta is recognized to be a chicken,” 
said Senate Floor Leader Jay Paul Gumm.

 “I am the cockfight king!” 

screamed McGee. 
  Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, was briefly endangered when McGee lashed out with his feet, each talon equipped with razor-sharp knives. The fowl lawmaker was wrestled to the ground through the bipartisan cooperation of Sen. Johnnie Crutchfield, D-Ardmore, and Senate Republican Leader Glenn Coffee, R-Oklahoma City.
   In the days since the dramatic unveiling, Partisan researchers have begun to uncover the strange history of Francis Shurden Rooster McGee. McGee was born in 1971, the Sooner-born offspring of a South Carolina gamecock. A rising force in the local circuit, McGee’s star was just beginning to rise as the animal rights movement began to pick up speed. 
  Following a nearly fatal injury in the ring that ended a promising career, McGee retired and set his sights on the political stage. Teaching himself to speak English, he worked briefly as a lobbyist before deciding to take matters into his own wings. “Frank Shurden” was first elected to the state House in 1978, disguised as a human in order to run. (State campaign laws do not recognize poultry or third parties). 
  In a press conference following the session, McGee announced that the gamecock revolution was nigh, and soon hordes of angry chickens would surround the Capitol. State Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced he would sue McGee for illegal deposits of chicken litter, but the Oklahoma Farm Bureau is lobbying for him to dismiss the suit.
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Republicans applaud installation of double standard in House chamber

5/12/2022

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From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Rep. Mike O'neal, R-Enid
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republican leaders say they are “pleased” with the GOP’s installation of a double standard in the House chamber at the Capitol. Provided by the Oklahoma Republican Party, the standard allows GOP lawmakers to hurl criticism upon their Democratic counterparts without making themselves open to similar attacks. 
  For example, the standard allows Republicans to bemoan the legal problems of Oklahoma insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher while at the same time ignoring charges of sexual battery pending against Rep. Mike O’Neal, R-Enid.
  Under the operation of the standard, Democrats who attempt to hide legislation under shell bills or floor substitutes are guilty of trying to deceive the people. Similar bait-and-switch tactics with Republicans, such as replacing a premarital testing bill with a gay marriage ban, are exempt from such accusations.
  The standard also comes equipped with a “good old boy” attack mechanism, which allows House Republicans to whine about how the Democrats are slaves to wealthy special interests without a hint of irony. The standard is based off a similar program in place at the federal level, which allows Republican congressmen to denounce huge government deficits unless they are produced by a GOP administration.
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OKC Legislator's Alter Ego

5/11/2022

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From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

An office pool is being run in the Senate Lounge. Some say It’s actually former senator, Gene Stipe in the white furry get up. 
 Others say that David Walters or Steve Lewis was trying to get into the lobbying racket…

Other rumors we’re working on (sort of)..

– AARP backs legislation to get those damn kids off their lawn 

– Debate over competing appropriations bills intensifies: ‘Yo mama’s unconstitutional’ 

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Speaker Asks Darrell Gilbert To Take Off Starfleet Uniform

5/10/2022

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From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, says
he prefers the “Next-Generation”
-era uniform to its “Voyager” and
“Deep Space Nine” counterparts. 

By Charles Haskell, Partisan Staff Reporter 
  For the fifth time is as many days, Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, has been asked to refrain from wearing his Starfleet uniform while in session. House Speaker Larry Adair requested Gilbert take off the uniform, noting that it made the Tulsa representative “look like a dork.”
   Gilbert has defended his choice of clothing. “This uniform means something to me,” Gilbert said.

 “As the captain of the USS District 72, I feel it is my duty to fight for all of my Federation, whether they be human, Vulcan, Andorian or even Tellarite.”

 This session, Gilbert has authored legislation to commend Ambassador Sarek for his service to the Federation and to memorializing Paramount to bring back the original “Star Trek” series in prime time. The House faced a similar showdown in 2000 when several representatives refused to take off their Josh Heupel and Rocky Calmus jerseys.
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    The Oklahoma Partisan

    In 2004 & 2005, an anonymous group of journalist/artists compiled a library of what then was contemporary humor surrounding Oklahoma state government. Sadly the venture only lasted a couple years. But the Oklahoma Partisan was a gem of political comedy.
    Today most of these characters of focus are no longer in the public arena. But the levity provided at their expense served to help the closely divided legislature to laugh at their colleagues. The truly humble among them even laughed when the joke was on them.

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 SoonerPolitics.org is committed to informing & mobilizing conservative Oklahomans for civic reform & restored liberty. We seeks to utilize the efforts of all cooperative facets of the Conservative movement... Content of the diverse columns are solely at the discretion of the dozens of websites who create the content.   David Van Risseghem  is the founder of this platform.
 Sooner Politics News is a platform, not a media site. All our bloggers get their feeds promoted regardless of content. As soon as We suppress or delete even one posting, we become an endorser of whatever We didn't censor..The publisher doesn't (and could not) logically agree with all the content, so we would not expect any rational reader to agree, either. What we do hope, is that readers will think for themselves, and at least be better informed of the issues, events, and values that our citizen journalists work hard to provide for free.. We automate much of the tasks so that our sources' content gets as much exposure as possible. We encourage constructive discussion & debate. The solution is more free speech, not less.​

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