oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Rep. Mike O'neal, R-Enid

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republican leaders say they are “pleased” with the GOP’s installation of a double standard in the House chamber at the Capitol. Provided by the Oklahoma Republican Party, the standard allows GOP lawmakers to hurl criticism upon their Democratic counterparts without making themselves open to similar attacks. 

  For example, the standard allows Republicans to bemoan the legal problems of Oklahoma insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher while at the same time ignoring charges of sexual battery pending against Rep. Mike O’Neal, R-Enid.

  Under the operation of the standard, Democrats who attempt to hide legislation under shell bills or floor substitutes are guilty of trying to deceive the people. Similar bait-and-switch tactics with Republicans, such as replacing a premarital testing bill with a gay marriage ban, are exempt from such accusations.

  The standard also comes equipped with a “good old boy” attack mechanism, which allows House Republicans to whine about how the Democrats are slaves to wealthy special interests without a hint of irony. The standard is based off a similar program in place at the federal level, which allows Republican congressmen to denounce huge government deficits unless they are produced by a GOP administration.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

“Holy cockboxing!” scream surprised lawmakers 

“Bow before your chicken overlords!” warns longtime gamefowl advocate

 By Robert Williams, Partisan Staff Writer 

  In a shocking twist on the Senate Floor, Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, tore off his mask to reveal he was really an Oklahoma gamecock in disguise. “And so the invasion begins!” shrieked Shurden. Shurden has been a vocal opponent of a recent state law banning cockfighting. Approved overwhelmingly in a statewide election, the vote pitted urban opponents of animal cruelty against rural economic development. Following the ban, Shurden lobbied in favor of lowering the penalties and reducing the crime to a misdemeanor. Following the failure of that legislation, he crusaded to legalize “cockboxing,” where the animals would fight using tiny boxing gloves. That legislation died in a Senate committee when members realized that chickens don’t have hands.

   Some have wondered why the senator would work so hard on behalf of the industry, but the pieces began to follow into place when it was discovered that “Sen. Frank Shurden” is actually an unemployed gamecock named Rooster McGee. The outing of Shurden/McGee disrupted normal Senate operations and pandering, and several entourages were left unescorted to the floor.

 Frank Shurden, D-Henrietta

“The gentleman from Henryetta is recognized to be a chicken,” 

said Senate Floor Leader Jay Paul Gumm.

 “I am the cockfight king!” 

screamed McGee. 

  Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, was briefly endangered when McGee lashed out with his feet, each talon equipped with razor-sharp knives. The fowl lawmaker was wrestled to the ground through the bipartisan cooperation of Sen. Johnnie Crutchfield, D-Ardmore, and Senate Republican Leader Glenn Coffee, R-Oklahoma City.

   In the days since the dramatic unveiling, Partisan researchers have begun to uncover the strange history of Francis Shurden Rooster McGee. McGee was born in 1971, the Sooner-born offspring of a South Carolina gamecock. A rising force in the local circuit, McGee’s star was just beginning to rise as the animal rights movement began to pick up speed. 

  Following a nearly fatal injury in the ring that ended a promising career, McGee retired and set his sights on the political stage. Teaching himself to speak English, he worked briefly as a lobbyist before deciding to take matters into his own wings. “Frank Shurden” was first elected to the state House in 1978, disguised as a human in order to run. (State campaign laws do not recognize poultry or third parties). 

  In a press conference following the session, McGee announced that the gamecock revolution was nigh, and soon hordes of angry chickens would surround the Capitol. State Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced he would sue McGee for illegal deposits of chicken litter, but the Oklahoma Farm Bureau is lobbying for him to dismiss the suit.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to a recent study, fully 87 percent of the Democrats’ 2004 legislation has been filed ‘for the children.” 

“Children are our most precious natural resource,” 

said Sen. Bill Mitchell, D-Lindsay. 

“I fully believe that children are our future and we must invest in them.” 

  Mitchell invoked the children to bolster support for HB 1201, which modified auditing requirements for the Department of Agriculture. Democrats also cited Oklahoma youth as the reason to deregulate SBC, modify the districts of the Oklahoma Peanut Commission and allow campaign fundraising in Oklahoma County.

   Republican leadership has been skeptical of the Democrats’ tactics, noting that the children probably didn’t give a damn about how much the Commissioner of Agriculture was paid. 

  “I mean, I guess if you’re boosting pre-school funding, I can understand,” said Sen. Fred Morgan, R-Oklahoma City. “But how is redrawing the districts of the Peanut Commission ‘an investment in Oklahoma’s young people?’”

 
   But Democratic lawmakers disagreed. “We must protect those who cannot protect themselves,” said Rep. Jari Askins, D-Duncan. Askins said a vote against HB 1805, regarding automated external defibrillators, would be “a vote against babies, puppy dogs, flowers and sunny days.”

  “We have a duty to protect Oklahoma’s youngest, and I take that obligation seriously,” said Sen. Barbara Staggs, D-Muskogee, in defense of a bill that would exempt cellular towers from the definition of “telecommunications services” for tax purposes. 

  “Before voting for this bill, I would ask you to please, please think of the children.” 

  As of press time, the children were unavailable for comment.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Sen. Nancy Riley, R-Tulsa, was busted last week for passing notes to Sen. Kathleen Wilcoxson, R-Oklahoma City. 

  Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, observed Riley passing the note during debate for the governor’s cigarette tax proposal. Following acknowledgement of her action, Riley was asked to read the note before the entire Senate.

 “Oh my God,” read Riley’s note, “Jim (Reynolds, R-Oklahoma City), is so hot. I think I’m going to ask him to go to the pro-family rally this weekend, or maybe to the mall.”

  Following the praise of Reynolds, the note turned to inquiries about Wilcoxson’s weekend plans, specifically whether or not she was going to get her hair done. The message closed with a brief criticism of the dress worn by Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa. Riley said she was “totally embarrassed” by the public reading and vowed to criticize Hobson’s hair in future notes.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

If we’re not publishing next week, it’s probably because David Prater had us locked up in Sheriff Whetsel’s uber secret ‘Dungeon of Fantasy Sadistic Arts’.
Otherwise we’re working on..

– Senate Democrats straight-up pimp slap lieutenant governor

– Existentialists demand meaningless tort and workers comp reform 

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

  The committee investigating embattled insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher has wrapped up their investigation. 

  Rep. Opio Toure, D-Oklahoma City chaired the commission, and said that, rather than calling for Fisher’s impeachment, they will simply feed him to a collection of shoeless orphans.

   Fisher is facing accusations that he stole money from a charity he operated. The charity was supposed to provide shoes to poor kids.

   Republicans say Fisher collected money, but spent it on booze and hookers. Democrats merely assume he spent it on booze and hookers. 

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Sen. James Williamson

The House & Senate Sophomore classes are among the ‘persons of interest’ in  a complaint that dirty tricks are being played on veteran lawmakers.

We’re working on a few stories which aren’t ready yet. We’ll publish when we can.

– Aging, ugly lawmakers demand more soft light for official photos.
– Sen. James Williamson changes tune after ‘Queer Eye’ makeover 

oklahomapartisan:

Freaky-ass Buffalo Statues Best Viewed on Ecstasy

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

Above: One of Oklahoma’s City’s new
“Spirit of the Buffalo” statues that is freaking awesome
when you’re totally out of your skull, man. 

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to a new study by the Oklahoma City Chamber of Commerce, the city’s freaky psychedelic fiberglass buffalo statues are most enjoyable when residents are tripping balls. 

  The “Spirit of the Buffalo” project is designed to increase awareness of nature conservation. Already, the exhibition has drawn rave reviews from residents whether they be stoned, f*cked up, trippin’ or hammered. “Dude, I am blitzed out of my fuckin’ mind here,” said Shane Boyd, Dairy Queen cashier and part-time skateboarder. 

“Is that buffalo supposed to be wearing a tie?” 

he asked, vaguing gesturing toward a buffalo statue that was, in fact, supposed to be wearing a tie. Sponsored by local corporations and decorated by a variety of artists, the downtown statues have been alternately described as freaky and trippy.

   A Chamber of Commerce survey reported that the most common response was “Whoa” followed closely by “that is not even right, man.” Spectators said the statues were most enjoyable when viewed on Ecstasy, followed by acid, shrooms, pot and pseudoephedrine. In any case, the fiberglass statues now outnumber Oklahoma’s real buffalo population by a 3:1 margin.

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A spokesman for Oklahoma’s methamphetamine industry says a proposed 55-cent would hurt the state’s already-struggling pharmaceutical manufacturing business. Gov. Brad Henry proposed the tax hike last month, saying the money would be used to provide Oklahoma teachers with cabana boys, liquor, and “all the coke they can snort.”

  However, a Durant meth manufacturer says the tax will simply drive customers to cheaper sources of the drug 

“Them there’s that wants it, they just gonna get it on the Internets on in Texas,” 

said Lucas Boduke, a meth “chef” and part-time wife-beater. “Big government sumbitches always trying to take my sheeit,” said Boduke who, like many Oklahomans who complain about big government, derives most of his income from government subsidies and welfare payments.

   An official from the Oklahoma Education Association defended the need for the money. “Those cabana boys and liquor are for the children,” said Daisy Perosco, executive director of the union’s Bitching-and-Moaning Division. “Why do you hate children, you bastards?”

oklahomapartisan:

From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – 

  Country music superstar Toby Keith is asking lawmakers to deregulate the state’s drinkin’ and fightin’ industries. The 43-year-old Oklahoma native says government oversight has stunted the field. 

“Some times you just gotta get drunk and put a boot up someone’s ass,”

 said Keith.

   Currently, state laws regulate the time, place and manner in which an individual may consume alcohol. Keith says such laws prevent many from entering the profession on a full time basis. 

  Furthermore, said Keith, current anti-fighting laws discourage the use of pool cues and broken beer bottles. 

  Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Hanna, will carry a similar bill in the Senate, along with an amendment that will legalize kicking city boys’ scrawny asses.