From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts
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| Tom Coburn and MacGyver saved the nation from a Social Security Nighmare. Afterwards, the studly duo vowed to take on North Korea. |
By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter
WASHINGTON (OP) – Our nation’s chief executive breathed a little easier last night, as Senator Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma, and MacGyver, Troubleshooter Extraordinaire, defused America’s ticking time bomb, the Social Security System. “Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to Coburn and MacGyver,” said President George W. Bush.
As the president, vice-president, and several agency officials have repeatedly told the American press, Social Security was in danger of exploding unless private accounts were immediately installed.
However, while the danger was as clear and present as weapons of mass destruction, there was Congressional resistance to drastically overhauling the federal program. Shrieking, weak-kneed liberals were convincing some of the more cowardly Republicans to do nothing, and allow the bomb to keep ticking.
Nonetheless, conservative crusader Coburn was committed to the destruction of the system, and he knew just the person to call.
Angus MacGyver is a free-lance adventurer for the Phoenix Foundation, most active in southern California during the 1985-92 television seasons. He had worked with Coburn for a time while fighting against Homicide International Trust.
At a press conference last week, Coburn and MacGyver detailed how they discovered the problem while adventuring together in the Arbuckle Mountains.
At the time, they had access to only a few common household objects: a paper clip, a rubber band and 24,601 ways to cut vital social services in order to fund private investment accounts.
On the scene, Coburn used his skills as a politician and physician to brew up a smokescreen using workers compensation reform and hefty imitations on malpractice lawsuits. This shielded the duo from public oversight, giving MacGyver time to yank out the Social Security safety net and replace it with privatized accounts created out of a rubber band and a fistful of Wal-Mart coupons.
On Monday, Coburn and MacGyver were presented with the Congressional Medal of Honor, but the maverick lawmaker declined the honor.
“Just doing my job,”
said Coburn, flashing the “thumbs up” sign.
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