From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts
Tom Coburn and MacGyver saved the
nation from a Social Security Nighmare.
Afterwards, the studly duo vowed to
take on North Korea.By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff ReporterWASHINGTON (OP) – Our nation’s chief executive breathed a little easier last night, as Senator Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma, and MacGyver, Troubleshooter Extraordinaire, defused America’s ticking time bomb, the Social Security System. “Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to Coburn and MacGyver,” said President George W. Bush.As the president, vice-president, and several agency officials have repeatedly told the American press, Social Security was in danger of exploding unless private accounts were immediately installed.However, while the danger was as clear and present as weapons of mass destruction, there was Congressional resistance to drastically overhauling the federal program. Shrieking, weak-kneed liberals were convincing some of the more cowardly Republicans to do nothing, and allow the bomb to keep ticking.Nonetheless, conservative crusader Coburn was committed to the destruction of the system, and he knew just the person to call.
Angus MacGyver is a free-lance adventurer for the Phoenix Foundation, most active in southern California during the 1985-92 television seasons. He had worked with Coburn for a time while fighting against Homicide International Trust.At a press conference last week, Coburn and MacGyver detailed how they discovered the problem while adventuring together in the Arbuckle Mountains.At the time, they had access to only a few common household objects: a paper clip, a rubber band and 24,601 ways to cut vital social services in order to fund private investment accounts.On the scene, Coburn used his skills as a politician and physician to brew up a smokescreen using workers compensation reform and hefty imitations on malpractice lawsuits. This shielded the duo from public oversight, giving MacGyver time to yank out the Social Security safety net and replace it with privatized accounts created out of a rubber band and a fistful of Wal-Mart coupons.On Monday, Coburn and MacGyver were presented with the Congressional Medal of Honor, but the maverick lawmaker declined the honor.“Just doing my job,”said Coburn, flashing the “thumbs up” sign.
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Golden Rule, Beatitudes among sections deemed incompatible with GOP agenda
By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter
One week into the 50th Legislative Session, House Republicans have forced through a bill that would amend the New Testament of the Holy Bible. Rep. John Trebilcock, R-Broken Arrow, said the changes were necessary to remove certain contradictions with orthodox GOP ideology.
Among the passages to be edited is Matthew 7:1, commonly referred to as “The Golden Rule.” Traditionally, this verse admonishes readers to treat others as they would like to be treated. However, under the Republican package, the line would be modified to specifically exclude homosexuals.
Williamson says another troublesome section is Matthew 5:1-12, also known as “The Beatitudes.” In these brief sayings, Jesus comforts people who would be omitted from Republican proposals, such as the poor, the sick and the meek.
Under the republican amendments, “Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill” has been changed to, “Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice, up until $300,000, for thine Legislative Leaders have not agreed to any ‘moratorium’ on tort reform, and plan to make the issue a major component of our platform in the upcoming session.“
Trebilcock said that, in future legislation, Republicans would move to Old Testament revision, seeking to expand the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah to cover liberal voters
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The Oklahoma PartisanIn 2004 & 2005, an anonymous group of journalist/artists compiled a library of what then was contemporary humor surrounding Oklahoma state government. Sadly the venture only lasted a couple years. But the Oklahoma Partisan was a gem of political comedy. Archives
August 2023
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