Going to church for the first time can be intimidating. It's like meeting a bunch of weirdos who have their own secret code. Well, it's not like that. It's exactly that. Luckily, your friends at The Babylon Bee sent missionaries to local churches to investigate a bunch of their slang words and phrases so we could connect with Christians and learn their ways and customs. We really just want to do life together with them and love on them. Oh no! They're rubbing off on us! Anyway, here's what we've learned so far: 

The post The Babylon Bee Guide To Christian Slang appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

MEMPHIS, TN—According to sources, local dad Michael Stoutt is training up his son in the way he should go and teaching him how to be a man. Just as his father before him taught him the ways of chair-stacking at church, Michael is teaching his son Marcus now. 

The post Proud Father Teaches Son How To Stack Chairs In Front Of Youth Group Girls appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Local wife Abby Dorning arrived home from a Saturday morning trip to Hobby Lobby and was met with several unwelcome questions as she dragged her haul into the house.

The post Wife Promises To 'Circle Back' To Question About How Much She Spent At Hobby Lobby appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Maisy Jones, an eleven-year-old girl from Annapolis, is generating intense interest from a group of researchers at the Linguistic Society of America (LSA). According to their findings, the child has the remarkable ability to turn the word “mom,” commonly pronounced with one syllable, into a word with four syllables. It appears, however, that this multi-syllabic pronunciation only occurs when the girl is whining about something.

The post Language Experts Marvel At Whiny Child’s Ability To Turn ‘Mom’ Into Four-Syllable Word appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

HUNTSVILLE, AL—After the Pentagon announced this week they will now consider climate change a serious national security threat, all branches of the military are mobilizing to protect America from an enemy that is threatening the beachfront properties of millionaires around the world.

The post After Pentagon Declares Climate Change A National Security Threat, Space Force Announces Preemptive Attack On The Sun appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, DC—In a development no one saw coming, Dr. Anthony Fauci has again changed his recommendation about what to do with masks by consulting his tested and proven "Wheel of SCIENCE."

The post Fauci Spins His Handy 'Wheel Of Science' To See What He Should Recommend Today appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

President Biden is doing a great job getting rid of evil sources of energy like coal and gas, and replacing them with good energy-- like wind, solar, and baby unicorn whispers. Unfortunately, it seems that some of you may have lost your jobs as a result. Never fear! Biden has promised to replace your jobs with much better jobs that don't make Mother Gaia cry. 

The post 9 Great New Jobs For Laid-Off Oil And Gas Workers appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Local Biden-supporting Christian couple Matt and Shasta Chambers are finally breathing a sigh of relief after a long year of campaigning for Biden and finally bringing America back to an era of godly leadership. 

The post Never-Trump Christians Proud To Have Helped America Return To An Era Of Godly Leadership appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The border fencing around the Capitol is becoming permanent, and former president Trump has taken advantage of the opportunity by taking a photo op of himself crying at the border wall.

The post Trump Takes Photo Crying At Congressional Border Wall appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

STOCKHOLM—The Nobel Committee has announced they have nominated Black Lives Matter for the brand new Nobel "Mostly Peaceful" Prize for its hard work bringing attention to racism by burning down cities around the world.

The post BLM Nominated For New Nobel 'Mostly Peaceful' Prize appeared first on The Babylon Bee.