JEDI TEMPLE, CORUSCANT — Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker has turned away from his path to the Dark Side after stumbling across Jordan Peterson videos on Youtube and picking up a 12 Rules For Life hologram.

It seems like no matter where you look these days, there's some godless communist trying to groom your kids! Don't let it happen!

OAKS, PHILADELPHIA — The Kennel Club‘s annual dog show competition was taken by storm this year by first-ever trans furry competitor Blake Ruff. The decision was made unanimously by judges to award Mr. Ruff with the event‘s most coveted title of ‘Best In Show'. According to sources, Blake Ruff had never won a single competition of any sort in his life until realized that he's not a mediocre adult male — he's actually a Blue Alaskan Malamute.

QATAR – Former president Barack Obama was among the millions of Americans who enjoyed watching the United States' thrilling 1-0 victory over Iran in the World Cup. However, after the game he had questions about the Americans' strategy.

HURRICANE, UT — In a stunning announcement, Disney has revealed "The Chosen" will be incorporated into the Marvel Multiverse following a cameo appearance by Deadpool in the show's upcoming third season.

BURBANK, CA — As part of a new pledge to "quiet down" the company's aggressive push for progressive themes in its content, returning Disney CEO Bob Iger has revealed the entertainment giant will cut back to including only seven LGTB characters in each children's movie.

NORRISTOWN, PA — Chad Pullman, 39, slipped into a deep depression Monday after finishing off the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers. Doctors say he has been unable to leave his bedroom for two days.

BOCA RATON, FL — Over the past few weeks, Ben Shapiro has created video responses to Kanye "Ye" West's anti-semitic statements, causing West to direct tweets at the conservative commentator. Shapiro further escalated the situation this week by releasing an epic diss track that industry analysts say spells the end of "Ye's" career.

Social media gets a bad rap these days, but did you know there are tremendous health benefits to scrolling endlessly on social media and interacting with hostile strangers for hours on end?

NORTH POLE – A spokesman for Santa's Workshop today announced the organization's latest advance in their ongoing efforts to determine who's naughty and who's nice: an Elf on the Shelf with the ability to hack into and review social media accounts for examples of misgendering and other hate speech.