GALILEE — Local fishermen Peter and Andrew were deeply disappointed to discover today that Jesus was not, in fact, going to teach them to catch humans with giant novelty fish hooks.

HENDERSON, NV — Tough, independent woman Maggie Stallings once again told her husband today that he absolutely must leave the toilet seat down or she will actually fall into the commode.

HOUSTON, TX — Joel Osteen took the Apostle Paul to task on Sunday, calling out his awful habit of negative self-talk and overly mournful diatribes.

FRANCE — A spectacular crash at the Tour de France Femmes, the first-ever all-female Tour de France event following the main race, was reportedly caused by the woman in front stopping to ask for directions.

Just when you thought the woke monster couldn't add another victim, it took down one of its most surprising targets yet: the Grand Theft Auto franchise. How, exactly, does a game that already mines the depths of human depravity turn itself woke? Here are 11 woke changes coming with the release of Grand Theft Auto 6:

HUNTINGTON, NY — Local woman Christine Upton listened patiently this morning to a voicemail from her boomer father, who spent the first thirty seconds carefully listing information her phone had already provided.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a year of deliberation on how to address rapid inflation and a shrinking economy, Democrats have at last landed on the bold strategy of doing the same exact things that helped land us in this mess to begin with.

KNOXVILLE, TN — Local woman Carol Hughes is being blatantly persecuted for her faith while at work. After she placed a flowery, verse-a-day calendar on her office desk earlier today, not a single person has commented on it in any way, shape, or form.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing the candidate's qualifications at assuring everyone that everything is fine even when entire rooms are burning down around him, the White House has hired the This Is Fine Dog as its new press secretary.

ATLANTA, GA — The CDC has updated its list of essential and non-essential activities during a pandemic or outbreak, adding "gay orgies" to the "essential" category.