U.S.—Democrats around the nation are growing increasingly worried that their candidate for President, Joe Biden, will live through election day, November 3rd, 2020. Biden had surprised Democrats around the nation when he spoke for an extended period of time off a teleprompter at the Democratic National Convention, causing a bit of a panic among Democratic Party operatives and voters. 

The post Democrats Growing Increasingly Worried Biden Will Live Through Election Day appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

PORTLAND, OR—In an effort to prevent the reelection of sitting President Donald Trump, Mayor Ted Wheeler is encouraging citizens to raze their city to the ground. They hope that by desolating the entire city and reducing it to nothing more than smoking heaps of ash, that Trump won’t stand a chance in 2020. 

The post Proud Mayor Lets His Entire City Burn To The Ground Just To Make Trump Look Bad appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

BEIJING—China announced today that Uighurs being held at their labor camps will be allowed to display one of several select political message on their prison camp uniforms.

The post China Allows Uighurs To Display Select Political Messages On Prison Camp Uniforms appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

LOS ANGELES, CA—A huge crowd turned out Sunday for the Hans Gruber memorial service. Gruber was the victim of police violence, having been thrown from Nakatomi Plaza by police officer John McClane, which many consider one of the most excessive uses of force ever witnessed. After the incident, there were protests all week, and now thousands from all over the country came to pay respects to Gruber, widely described as an “intelligent and witty soul.”

The post Large Turnout At Memorial For Hans Gruber Who Was Thrown From A Building By A Police Officer appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Michelle Obama, a black woman over whom the media fawned for 8 years and beyond, said on her extremely popular podcast last week that black women are ignored and might as well not even exist in Trump's America.

The post 'We Black Women Are Ignored,' Says Multimillionaire Black Woman To Millions Of Adoring Fans appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

TORONTO—With fans across the country mourning the loss of their baseball, basketball, and football games, Jordan Peterson has stepped up to feed our sports cravings with the world's first televised lobster fights. 

The post With Professional Sports Canceled, Jordan Peterson To Host First Televised Lobster Fights appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats, outraged by the beauty and poise of Melania Trump, are demanding an immediate travel ban to prevent further supermodel First Ladies from entering the country in the future. The recommended travel ban would include Melania Trump's home country of Slovenia, as well as several other Eastern European countries known for beautiful women interested in migrating to America.

The post Democrats Demand Travel Ban On Slovenia To Prevent More Supermodel First Ladies From Invading America appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

WILMINGTON, DE—Joe Biden conceded today that the Republican Convention was "alright," "pretty inspiring, to be honest," and "a real gas." 

The post Biden: 'If You Thought The Republican Convention Was Good, Just Wait 'Til We Have Our Convention!' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

KENOSHA, WI—Journalists across the country rushed to cover a hot, breaking story this week before the facts could come to light and possibly ruin the entire thing.

The post Journalists Rush To Get Story Out Before It Can Be Ruined By The Facts appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

BEIJING—President Xi Jinping caught wind of protests going on in the NBA, and he reportedly thought his goose was cooked. Thinking the NBA was finally going to turn on him and expose his country's oppression of Christians, Muslims, Uighurs, and basically all of their citizens except the elite members of the Communist Party, Jinping started to freak out.

The post President Xi Relieved To Find Out NBA Players Just Protesting Injustices In America appeared first on The Babylon Bee.