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Local Charismatic Declares The Gift Of Discernment Has Ceased

5/31/2018

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May 31, 2018 at 07:45AM from The Babylon Bee
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PHOENIX, AZ—Local charismatic believer Bryan Potter declared Thursday on his Facebook page that he believes that all the gifts of the Holy Spirit have continued from New Testament times on into today, with the lone exception of the gift of discernment. While Potter believes every Christian can speak in tongues, interpret, heal, prophesy, and more, […]

The post Local Charismatic Declares The Gift Of Discernment Has Ceased appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Church Ushers Rough Up First-Time Visitor Trying To Escape Without Filling Out Connection Card

5/31/2018

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May 31, 2018 at 07:21AM from The Babylon Bee
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JACKSON, MS—Sources at Third Baptist Church claim the church’s team of ushers “severely roughed up” a first-time visitor who attempted to escape the service without filling out a connection card Sunday morning. The visitor enjoyed the service but didn’t feel like giving the church his contact information. But the ushers had other plans. “Where do […]

The post Church Ushers Rough Up First-Time Visitor Trying To Escape Without Filling Out Connection Card appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Local Man Bids Fond Farewell To His Wife Kids As New Fallout Game Announced

5/30/2018

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May 30, 2018 at 02:46PM from The Babylon Bee
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MARTINSBURG, WV—According to sources close to local man Jason Fichtner, the gamer, husband, and father of three bid his family a fond farewell as a new Fallout game, Fallout 76, was announced by Bethesda Softworks today. Gathering his family in close, Fichtner whispered a tearful, heartfelt goodbye as he prepared to depart for the post-apocalyptic wastelands of America […]

The post Local Man Bids Fond Farewell To His Wife, Kids As New ‘Fallout’ Game Announced appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Nations Conservatives Blame Ambien For Decision To Adopt Roseanne As Political Spokesperson

5/30/2018

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May 30, 2018 at 12:31PM from The Babylon Bee
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U.S—After Roseanne Barr’s recent rise to political stardom and subsequent implosion caused by a racist tweet, the nation’s conservatives almost immediately blamed prescription sedative Ambien for their poor decision-making in adopting her as a political icon for their movement. Conservatives claim to have been “Ambien-politicking” when they made the decision to hold Roseanne up as […]

The post Nation’s Conservatives Blame Ambien For Decision To Adopt Roseanne As Political Spokesperson appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Obama Calls Trump To Personally Thank Him For Taking Blame For Photos Of Immigrant Children

5/30/2018

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May 30, 2018 at 10:52AM from The Babylon Bee
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Former president Barack Obama called the White House today to personally thank Donald Trump for taking the blame for a recently circulated set of photos of immigrant children detained at the border that actually depicted troubling immigration policies in place during Obama’s tenure. Obama was concerned that people on Twitter, Facebook and other social […]

The post Obama Calls Trump To Personally Thank Him For Taking Blame For Photos Of Immigrant Children appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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NAACP To Close Its Doors After Starbucks Ends All Racism Forever

5/30/2018

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May 30, 2018 at 08:41AM from The Babylon Bee
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BALTIMORE, MD—The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People announced Wednesday morning that the long-standing civil rights organization would be closing its doors after learning that Starbucks had successfully completed its mandatory, company-wide unconscious racial bias training. “There’s really not much left for us to do,” NAACP CEO Derrick Johnson said in a statement. “This […]

The post NAACP To Close Its Doors After Starbucks Ends All Racism Forever appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Satan Promises To Match All Donations For Jesse Duplantiss New Private Jet

5/29/2018

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May 29, 2018 at 12:56PM from The Babylon Bee
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DESTREHAN, LA—In a public appearance with the prosperity gospel televangelist Tuesday, Lucifer the Prince of Darkness committed to matching all donations dollar for dollar that disciples of Jesse Duplantis make for his new private luxury jet. “I hereby vow to double every dollar you give to help my friend Jesse get his new $54 million […]

The post Satan Promises To Match All Donations For Jesse Duplantis’s New Private Jet appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Church Seniors Involved In Low-Speed Street Race To Golden Corral

5/29/2018

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May 29, 2018 at 10:45AM from The Babylon Bee
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EL CAJON, CA—A spokesperson for the El Cajon Police Department confirmed Tuesday that several senior citizens were apprehended Sunday afternoon after partaking in a low-speed street race from Trinity Bible Fellowship to the Golden Corral buffet restaurant on Main Street. A bystander observed several Cadillacs, Buicks, and Oldsmobiles slowly turning out of the church parking […]

The post Church Seniors Involved In Low-Speed Street Race To Golden Corral appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Schools Increase Security Measures To Protect Students From Hearing Jesuss Name At Graduation

5/29/2018

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May 29, 2018 at 09:27AM from The Babylon Bee
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U.S.—As high schools across the nation prepare to celebrate graduation, public schools are ratcheting up security measures to make sure vulnerable graduates are not attacked by a fellow student’s utterance of Jesus’s name during a valedictorian speech, sources confirm. “Our students must be protected,” said Vanessa Thompson, superintendent of West Prairie Community Schools in Illinois. […]

The post Schools Increase Security Measures To Protect Students From Hearing Jesus’s Name At Graduation appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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Bono Announces He Will Resume Pretending To Be A Christian After Helping Overturn Abortion Ban

5/29/2018

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May 29, 2018 at 08:40AM from The Babylon Bee
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DUBLIN, IRELAND—In a heartfelt announcement Tuesday, U2 frontman Bono confirmed he would resume pretending to be a Christian after the official U2 account voiced support for the recent repeal of the Eighth Amendment in Ireland, which had prevented women from having abortions in the country. The legendary musician had temporarily set aside his claimed Christianity […]

The post Bono Announces He Will Resume Pretending To Be A Christian After Helping Overturn Abortion Ban appeared first on The Babylon Bee.


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