PHOENIX, AZ—Local charismatic believer Bryan Potter declared Thursday on his Facebook page that he believes that all the gifts of the Holy Spirit have continued from New Testament times on into today, with the lone exception of the gift of discernment. While Potter believes every Christian can speak in tongues, interpret, heal, prophesy, and more, […]

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JACKSON, MS—Sources at Third Baptist Church claim the church’s team of ushers “severely roughed up” a first-time visitor who attempted to escape the service without filling out a connection card Sunday morning. The visitor enjoyed the service but didn’t feel like giving the church his contact information. But the ushers had other plans. “Where do […]

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MARTINSBURG, WV—According to sources close to local man Jason Fichtner, the gamer, husband, and father of three bid his family a fond farewell as a new Fallout game, Fallout 76, was announced by Bethesda Softworks today. Gathering his family in close, Fichtner whispered a tearful, heartfelt goodbye as he prepared to depart for the post-apocalyptic wastelands of America […]

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U.S—After Roseanne Barr’s recent rise to political stardom and subsequent implosion caused by a racist tweet, the nation’s conservatives almost immediately blamed prescription sedative Ambien for their poor decision-making in adopting her as a political icon for their movement. Conservatives claim to have been “Ambien-politicking” when they made the decision to hold Roseanne up as […]

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Former president Barack Obama called the White House today to personally thank Donald Trump for taking the blame for a recently circulated set of photos of immigrant children detained at the border that actually depicted troubling immigration policies in place during Obama’s tenure. Obama was concerned that people on Twitter, Facebook and other social […]

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BALTIMORE, MD—The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People announced Wednesday morning that the long-standing civil rights organization would be closing its doors after learning that Starbucks had successfully completed its mandatory, company-wide unconscious racial bias training. “There’s really not much left for us to do,” NAACP CEO Derrick Johnson said in a statement. “This […]

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DESTREHAN, LA—In a public appearance with the prosperity gospel televangelist Tuesday, Lucifer the Prince of Darkness committed to matching all donations dollar for dollar that disciples of Jesse Duplantis make for his new private luxury jet. “I hereby vow to double every dollar you give to help my friend Jesse get his new $54 million […]

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EL CAJON, CA—A spokesperson for the El Cajon Police Department confirmed Tuesday that several senior citizens were apprehended Sunday afternoon after partaking in a low-speed street race from Trinity Bible Fellowship to the Golden Corral buffet restaurant on Main Street. A bystander observed several Cadillacs, Buicks, and Oldsmobiles slowly turning out of the church parking […]

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U.S.—As high schools across the nation prepare to celebrate graduation, public schools are ratcheting up security measures to make sure vulnerable graduates are not attacked by a fellow student’s utterance of Jesus’s name during a valedictorian speech, sources confirm. “Our students must be protected,” said Vanessa Thompson, superintendent of West Prairie Community Schools in Illinois. […]

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DUBLIN, IRELAND—In a heartfelt announcement Tuesday, U2 frontman Bono confirmed he would resume pretending to be a Christian after the official U2 account voiced support for the recent repeal of the Eighth Amendment in Ireland, which had prevented women from having abortions in the country. The legendary musician had temporarily set aside his claimed Christianity […]

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