U.S.—In a candid new interview, former President Bill Clinton commented Friday on the recent revelation that Vice President Mike Pence refuses to dine alone with women who are not his wife, saying the strict guidelines are “ridiculous” and “excessive.” “The only woman he’ll spend time alone with is his wife? Come on, that’s way over the top,” […]

. . . finish reading Bill Clinton Calls Mike Pence’s Strict Marital Practices ‘Excessive’.

COLUMBUS, GA—Local woman Georgine Sanders revealed Friday she had discovered a loophole that allowed her to pass on juicy morsels of gossip and simultaneously appear extra-spiritual to other church members. Dubbed the “Prayer Request–Gossip Loophole,” the exploit requires that one simply join the church’s prayer team, and then pass on every scandalous rumor or harmful […]

. . . finish reading Local Woman Discovers Prayer Request–Gossip Loophole.

U.S.—A massive, angry-looking cloud shaped like Baptist preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon suddenly appeared over the nation overnight, sources at the National Weather Service and citizens on the ground across America confirmed Friday. The large, menacing supercell seemed to feature Spurgeon’s face glaring menacingly in a look of disapproval, as thunder clapped from the heavens and […]

. . . finish reading Large, Glowering Charles Spurgeon Cloud Hovers Menacingly Over Nation.

JERUSALEM—Archaeologists on a dig near modern-day Jerusalem just uncovered a stunning find: a perfectly preserved Italian suit that Jesus of Nazareth wore while preaching his famous sermons and parables throughout ancient Israel. The suit was found complete with a Noah’s Ark-themed tie and pair of black dress shoes, still perfectly shined. “This confirms what we […]

. . . finish reading Archaeologists Unearth Suit Jesus Wore While Preaching.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In a surprising late announcement, The Gospel Coalition has changed the name of its annual TGC National Conference to “Calvi-Con,” founder Tim Keller announced in a video on the ministry’s website Thursday. Attendees are encouraged to cosplay as their favorite dead Reformer or Calvinistic figure at the annual conference. Halloween and costume shops nationwide […]

. . . finish reading TGC National Conference Rebrands As ‘Calvi-Con’.

ALPINE, CA—This Mormon missionary thought he was bringing the restored gospel of Jesus Christ to the neighborhood the Latter-Day Saint church had assigned him to. But, oh boy! He couldn’t be more wrong—he’s been riding a stationary bike this whole time! The 18-year-old Elder Kamdyn Smith hopped on his bike to begin hitting his assigned […]

. . . finish reading Sad: This Mormon Missionary Just Realized He’s Been Riding A Stationary Bike For Two Years.

LOS ANGELES, CA—In the wake of his announcement that he would be charging the creators of the undercover videos that exposed Planned Parenthood’s practice of selling fetal tissue with 15 felonies, California Attorney General Xavier Becerra clarified Wednesday that secretly filming people for the purpose of exposing animal cruelty is “still totally fine.” “I just want […]

. . . finish reading Undercover Videos Exposing Animal Cruelty Still OK, California AG Clarifies.

MINOT, ND—According to sources from within his home, local teen Timothy Landon carefully applied an entire case’s worth of Axe body spray to his person before heading out to his church’s regular Wednesday evening youth group meeting. “You can’t put on too much of this stuff,” Landon said. “It’s pretty powerful though, so I’ll limit it […]

. . . finish reading Teen Applies Entire Case Of Axe Body Spray Before Heading To Youth Group.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Stating the new edition of the Scriptures would allow Christians to remove doctrines, verses, and entire books of the Bible they find unpopular or inconvenient, Zondervan Publishing announced Wednesday a new Bible with micro-perforated, completely removable pages. “Don’t like some of the heavy-handed calls to repentance, whether in the New Testament or Old? […]

. . . finish reading New Bible With Perforated Pages Announced.

U.S.—According to stunning reports, two strangers with opposing views on a significant social issue were able to civilly debate the finer points of the matter in a Facebook comments section Wednesday morning before politely bidding one another “good day” and moving on to their real lives. The two internet users from different political and social […]

. . . finish reading Breaking: Two Facebook Commenters Debate Civilly, Politely.