A few days ago, President Joe Biden moseyed away from his podium while speaking to a group of FEMA workers. As he did so, worried aides and officials stifled their panic enough to keep their voices steady, trying to beckon him back where he was still needed. At that moment, we saw what we have so often seen from our President: independence of thought and courage in an atmosphere of quiet, dignified leadership.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Aides are scrambling to keep the President on track without wandering off stage and getting lost again on national television. To combat this, Biden's handlers have resorted to laying down a trail of women's hair on the ground for Biden to sniff and follow.

KYIV — As Ukrainian officials prepared to submit their request to join NATO, President Volodymyr Zelensky planned to use one of the most powerful secret weapons at his disposal — his Hollywood connections — and ask Ben Stiller if he could put the actor down as a reference on the application.

CULVER CITY, CA – After filming only 8 episodes of The Rings of Power, Amazon has exhausted the entire $1 billion budget allotted for the production of the show. Initial reports indicate that most of the money was spent on special effects to make it look like a woman can hold a sword.

SACRAMENTO, CA – In a nationwide campaign to promote abortion tourism in California, Gavin Newsom has purchased ads in red states encouraging women to travel to California to kill their babies. As part of the campaign, he has also taken to transforming into a giant green snake that whispers temptations into the ears of scared pregnant women.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In preparation for Halloween, White House staffers have spent days adorning the premises with frightening decorations. One prop stands out above the rest: a spooky, lifelike old zombie that wanders the halls, drooling and moaning.

U.S. — A fascinating new study has revealed that the vast majority of people, when presented with a blind taste test, can't tell the difference between candy corn and a dusty, old orange crayon we found in a junk drawer.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Army's first transgender officer Major Anna Gabrielian has been charged with conspiring to give secret information to Russia to aid them in their attack on Ukraine. As a result, Biden awarded Gabrielian with the Presidential Medal of Freedom for being the first-ever transgender traitor to America.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the nick of time, Congress has passed a bipartisan $12 billion funding bill, narrowly avoiding a Ukrainian government shutdown.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the midterm elections approach, cynical Republicans are pouncing on Biden being one of the worst presidents ever. According to sources in Washington, Republicans plan to cruelly take advantage of Biden's handling of Afghanistan, inflation, the economy, spending, jobs, the border crisis, and his own dementia, to convince the American people to elect Republicans.